In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the six human needs and how they affect us, our experiences and our enjoyment of life.

First a quick update:

****  Spotting the emotional vampire: Watch the TV interview I gave to Dave and Kristin of The Morning Show about emotional vampires. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo3zKlx89FE&feature=youtube_gdata and then read my newsletter and my answers to reader’s questions about Dealing with emotional vampires archived in my blog – June 10, 2009  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/10/dealing-with-emotional-vampires/

Now, let’s talk about the six human needs we all share.

I would like to begin by distinguishing needs from desires. A desire is a want, a wish, a longing, a yearning or a craving. A desire is not as critical as a need. I define need as necessity; a requirement or an urgent want or requisite.

We all share the most basic needs for survival; the physical needs of food, water and shelter. It can also be argued that love is a need for physical survival as I reveal in my book, “Soul Mates”: http://patrickwanis.com/FindSoulMateLoveBook.asp

 “In his book The Science of Love, Anthony Walsh defines love as “that which satisfies our need to receive and bestow affection and nurturing; to give and be given assurances of value, respect, acceptance and appreciation; and to feel secure in our unity with, and belonging to, a particular, family.”

He identifies three types of love – parental, social and romantic – and says that maternal love (or similar) is a prerequisite for survival.

Anthony cites studies involving children who suffered love deprivation and lack of physical contact. The results indicate that they were vulnerable to a host of diseases, that their intelligence was lower and that their rates of criminal behavior and mental illness were higher.

  Continue reading “Getting your six needs” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to share the secrets to overcoming and letting go of resentment.

First a quick update:

****  Special promotion: Check your email inbox tomorrow (Thursday) as I will be releasing a special offer on all of my products

Now, let’s talk about how to overcome resentment.

The dictionary defines resentment as “Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance.” In other words, resentment is that bad, hostile or evil feeling towards someone whom you believe wronged you.

Later in this Success Newsletter, you can complete the simple questionnaire to help you determine the symptoms of resentment.

Resentment can result from various events, situations or experiences; and these are just a few examples:

* A colleague at work gets the promotion you wanted

* Someone fails to keep their promise

* Someone speaks in a negative and condescending manner to you and you say nothing

* Feeling used, unappreciated or taken for granted

* A friend, lover or parent fails to live up to your expectation

* A loss occurs, someone close dies and you resent their death or the suffering and consequences of their death (being left with various responsibilities – physical, financial or emotional such as taking care of a child or family on your own)

* Someone publicly humiliates you. (I recall a friend who felt so deeply humiliated and publicly shamed because she was taking a bus from Baltimore to New York and when she tried to re-board after a scheduled stop, the ticket inspector accused her of having a forged ticket. The inspector shouted at her in front of the other guests, accusing her of lying and cheating, and he threatened to call the police. The problem was caused by the fax printer which made it hard to distinguish the number on the ticket but it wasn’t discovered until many hours later.)

It is common also that we easily feel resentment towards our business partner, romantic partner or parents for something they did or didn’t do. One client told me that she resented her husband because she believed that he always put his job first ahead of her, and it left her feeling insignificant, invisible and unloved. We discovered that this was something she also felt growing up with two busy parents – one of whom was often traveling and thus rarely around.

Resentment is like a weed that chokes the life out of you. For one client, Anna, the resentment grew and grew until there was a chasm between her and her husband and now she couldn’t view or think of her husband in any other way except negatively; while for Miriam, the resentment left her looking for ways to avoid even sharing the bed with her husband.

Resentment, though, can also lead to obsession, insomnia, stress, depression and spitefulness.

Miranda was a successful woman, vibrant, confident, vivacious and full of life when she met and later married Alex, a charismatic, confident and handsome man. But within just a couple of years, via his actions and behavior, Alex revealed himself to be a sociopath. He cheated on Miranda and she found out that he had children in other countries; he abused her physically, mentally and emotionally; he stole Miranda’s passport, birth certificate, the deed to her house, fraudulently signed her name on checks, and eventually fled the country leaving her in a crisis. Miranda had to foreclose her home and four years later she was still paying for his actions.

When Miranda came to me, she told me “This man has put out my fire, he’s killed my vivacious spirit…and my personality…I’ve lost my pride and dignity. My self-worth and self-esteem need to be swept from the floor.” 

Based on Alex’s actions, is it surprising that Miranda was full of resentment? How would someone in Miranda’s situation be able to release the resentment? Before I relate how she released it, and how you too can overcome and let go of resentment, let me add that as a result of Miranda’s resentment, she became depressed, obsessed and highly stressed. She felt worthless and unlovable. She would stay up all night Googling Alex to find out what country he was living in and would contact foreign reporters to alert and warn them about him and his actions. Meanwhile, Miranda’s body was out of control – she was fatigued, bloated, and she had become quite heavy and nothing was helping her to regain her body, confidence or the ability to love and trust again.

Now before I complete Miranda’s story, and tell you how you can release resentment, here is a questionnaire I have created to indentify if resentment has become a part of you:

* Do you harbor animosity against someone that you feel has wronged you?

* Do you feel angry, uneasy or tense when someone’s name is mentioned or when you are around that person, and; you hide those feelings from that person?

* Do you feel that the world has been unfair to you?

* Do you feel you could never forgive, forget or let go of a particular person or event?

* Do you still feel victimized about something that has happened, and, there was never any closure, reparation or resolution?

* Do you hold a grudge against a person, group or organization?

* Do you lose sleep over a certain relationship and want to pay back that person?

* Do you wake up in the middle of the night with distressing, angry or frustrating thoughts about someone you believe has wronged you?

* Do you wake up in the middle of the night obsessing over something that someone did?

* Do you still feel suspicious about someone that has wronged you in the past?

* Do you become easily angered or short-tempered around your partner even if you are not consciously aware of the reason?

* Do you easily explode for no apparent reason?

* Do you often feel suspicious and critical of others?

* Do you find it hard to trust?

* Do you dread going into work or the office and having to deal with people?

* Do you fake a smile, enthusiasm or excitement when you are around a particular person?

* Do you feel that you were entitled to something that never came your way?

* Do you feel that the world owes you something or that it wronged you?

* Is your mind often filled with negative thoughts about someone specific or a past event?

* Do you find yourself often engaging in harsh conversations about a particular person, condemning and criticizing that person?

* Have you experienced a loss and you feel that you cannot accept it; are you angry at God, the world or even the person that has died?

So here is the answer about how to get over resentment.

As I worked with Miranda, I was able to uncover her core issue and belief. Miranda told me she could not forgive Alex or let go of the resentment: “If I do then I am telling him what he did is okay.”

Yes, what Alex did was obviously wrong and there was no reason to justify it but the real problem was Miranda’s desire to punish Alex, teach him a lesson and above all ensure that she doesn’t condone or okay his behavior.

Step one:

Identify the resentment and its effect on you. Is this present resentment a repeat of an older, deeper pain and event? What is the benefit of holding onto the resentment? Why are you holding onto it? How does that resentment hurt you?

Step two

Release the pain and emotion associated with the resentment: anger, rejection, shame, humiliation, worthlessness, desire for revenge, etc. (I do this with a specific visualization exercise that engages the subconscious mind, leading to ‘self permission’ to let go of the pain that is being held.)

Step three

Seek understanding of why this person acted this way; why are they this way? What happened that made them who and what they are today? Accept that this person is a victim of their own beliefs, their own childhood experiences. Awaken to realize that it wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve this behavior. Become honest and enlightened about what you were trying to do to them or achieve with them by holding onto the resentment. Become aware of their pain and limitations. (This does not condone nor justify what they did.)

Step four

Based on the work of step three, now forgive and express compassion toward this person.

For Miranda, the startling revelation and awakening occurred when she was willing to see that she was trying to change Alex and teach him a lesson, and; that she and Alex had shared the same childhood pain which made them both seek to be valued and to gain attention and approval at any cost. Alex had been badly abused as a child and Miranda had also been raised by an abusive father. The difference now was Miranda was able to choose emotional freedom and to be released from the pain and consequences of the resentment as well as the constant need for approval and attention at any price!

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to www.patrickwanis.com/blog   if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the tremendous and dangerous power of beliefs: “Are your beliefs killing you?”

First a quick update:

****  Secrets to your success: Watch the second video interview in my series – http://patrickwanis.com/lod2/ And if you missed out on the first video, click here: http://patrickwanis.com/lod1/

****  Passionate Life Secrets: I have been telling you about Janet and Chris Attwood’s powerful program designed to help you find your destiny and purpose and now it includes a 2-Day LIVE “Discover Your Destiny” event!  Click here:
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Now, let’s talk about your beliefs; are they killing you?

Some years ago, I was teaching Sunday school in Houston, Texas. The kids were ages ten to fourteen. This is the age that children begin to question most of what they are taught and thus they also enjoy debating. Accordingly I would challenge them to help them become clearer about what they believe by asking them to define and explain their beliefs about various topics such as love or God. Of course, their answers were always widely varying. “God is love. God is strong. God is energy. Love is the most powerful force in the Universe. Love is trust, etc.”

I would then ask the children to explain how they had come to believe what they believe. My only intention was to help them see and understand that most of their beliefs in every area are often the result of something that someone has told them. Interestingly, current research reveals that children’s beliefs and understanding of God develop as a result of the types of parents they have i.e. if their parents are forgiving, then children think of God as forgiving, if parents are strict, then they think God as angry or strict and; if they have a strained relationship with their parents, then the children think of God as a surrogate parent – the ultimate Father Figure.

Most if us take it for granted that our beliefs are greatly determined by where we are born and where we grow up – by our culture. For example, I lived in The Gambia, West Africa for a couple of years. The country was made up of about thirteen major tribes, and a mixture of Christianity, Islam and Juju. In fact, the one thing that seemed common to both Christians and Moslems of the Gambia was their belief in Juju; they happily mixed their religion and the superstitions.

However, one of the most outstanding examples of unique cultural beliefs was their definition surrounding beauty.

Generally speaking, the average man and woman had a tall lean body; they were all quite trim, slender and almost skinny except for the married women. Once a woman was married, it was customary that she become full – big. Why?

Continue reading “Are your beliefs killing you?” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explain why the message “Don’t burn your bridges” is wrong and reveal the reasons why you actually need to burn your bridges and boats.

First a quick update:

****   “The Passion Test” – Listen to or read my interview and conversation with Janet and Chris Attwood – authors of “The Passion Test: The Effortless Path to Discovering Your Destiny.” Click here:
 http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/06/08/the-passion-test/

****  Free Passion test profile and videos – Click here for the free passion test analysis and for free access to the videos by Janet and Chris Attwood:
http://www.thepassiontest.com/offer/ptprofile?af=60482

Now, let’s talk about dangers of heeding the common phrase and advice “Don’t burn your bridges.”

The expression “Don’t burn your bridges” is a warning against doing anything that might permanently damage a relationship and which leaves you no alternative or possibility for retreat or fall back. This advice is often given in business i.e. be nice to your boss when you leave or resign so that if you ever need to, you can come back.

This phrase of burning the bridges comes from an old military strategy that is also connected to the “burning of the boats.” In 1519, Captain Hernando Cortes conquered the Mexico and the Aztec Empire, a nation of 5 million people with less than 1000 soldiers. Although there is controversy around the details, it is known that Cortes was so committed to winning, that he convinced his soldiers to destroy their own ships so that they could not retreat, fall back or escape. It was a case of succeed or die. This strategy created total commitment and real motivation for his soldiers; and it worked.

It is also believed that this was the strategy of the ancient Greek warriors who had a reputation for unsurpassed bravery and unbending commitment to victory. And it is possible that this is the strategy to which Napoleon Hill refers in a story he relates in his classic book “Think and grow rich”:

“A long while ago, a great warrior faced a situation which made it necessary for him to make a decision which insured his success on the battlefield. He was about to send his armies against a powerful foe, whose men outnumbered his own. He loaded his soldiers into boats, sailed to the enemy’s country, unloaded soldiers and equipment, then gave the order to burn the ships that had carried them. Addressing his men before the first battle, he said, “You see the boats going up in smoke. That means we cannot leave these shores alive unless we win! We now have no choice – we win – or we perish!” 

  Continue reading “Burn your bridges” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to ask the question “Are you living for you?” and explain the significance and implications of putting yourself first and the dangers when you don’t do so. If the thought of putting yourself first, makes you immediately uncomfortable, then please read on.

First a quick update:

**** “Finding your destiny” – Has this ever happened to you? You wake up in the middle of the night lost or some days you feel numb or vaguely upset – and you can’t figure out why. If so… Why? The answer might surprise you and it’s here where you will also have access to a no cost profile analysis that will provide massive insight into your current situation as well as advice for getting to wherever it is you’re heading. http://www.thepassiontest.com/offer/ptprofile?af=60482

**** “SATC – how it changed men and women” – I believe in empowering women- and while Sex and the City has helped shape the bold, independent 21^st century woman, the latest movie does a disservice to women as it promotes and feeds into the belief by men that women don’t know what they want and are never really happy. Read my controversial press release and the interview I gave to Siobhan McFadyen, News Correspondent for Grazia Magazine. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/06/01/satc2-how-it-emasculated-men/

Now, let’s talk about the significance of putting yourself first and the dangers of not putting yourself first.

Recently, Larry King Live on CNN featured a special with the winners and runners-up of the NBC TV show, “The Biggest Loser.” Each of the contestants that Larry King interviewed said something that Larry King along with almost everyone else missed but which is, in fact, the secret to mental, physical and emotional health.

For many years, and as a result of my work in hypnosis, I have revealed that negative emotions and stress are the major contributors and causes of our pain – physical, mental and emotional pain – as well as illness and weight problems.

Michael Ventrella, winner of Season 9 of The Biggest Loser, lost a whopping 526 pounds. He described himself as an emotional eater:

“So if I had a bad day at work or stressed out about family problems or, you know, bills and debt..I would blank out and then I’d be driving and realize there’s a whole pizza on my passenger seat and I just — I’d polish it off…I look back and I was like, I was killing myself. Killing myself.”

But that wasn’t the secret or revelation. No, in fact, for many people who have suffered with this condition of ‘eating your problems’, Michael’s words are not new at all. But then, Michael Ventrella said something about the turning point in his life; the revelation for all of us:

  Continue reading “Are you living for you?” »