First a quick update:

****  What Americans can learn from Aussies – Read the article I wrote that Foxnews.com published on Australia Day identifying 10 lessons Americans can learn from Aussies such as no. 4: “…not as many women compete directly with men – although they are still highly successful and educated…the man is allowed to be a man – to protect and provide and yes, be rough around the edges. He is not told that he is supposed to be feminine or PC and a woman doesn’t feel stupid, inferior or threatened if she decides to ask a man for help.” http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/01/26/what-americans-can-learn-from-aussies-on-australia-day/

Now, let’s talk about a true story that reveals that when you believe it, you will see it.

Have you heard or said the phrase, “I’ll believe it when I see it”?

What if the opposite is actually the truth; “I’ll see it when I believe it”?

It was 1983 and it was the first ever race to be staged between Australia’s largest shopping centres in Sydney and Melbourne. The total distance was 875 kilometres – 544 miles. It was an Ultra Marathon. Now the experienced runners knew (believed actually) that the optimal performance in a race of this magnitude – approximately 7 days of expected running – would require 18 hours of running and 6 hours of sleep.

An old man approached the registration desk. He was 61. He had no coaches and no sponsors. In fact, he didn’t even have the proper racing attire; he was dressed in overalls and gumboots. Was it possible that this old man even believed for a moment that he could complete such a distance; a distance that is a grueling challenge for trained athletes more than half his age?

Reporters and the press began to question this man:

“Who are you and what are you doing?”

“I’m Cliff Young. I’m from a large ranch where we run sheep outside of Melbourne.”

“You’re really going to run in this race?”

“Yeah.”

“Got any backers?”

“No.”

The press now viewed and treated Cliff Young as a side show:

“Then you can’t run…you’re crazy…there is no way you can ever finish this race”

“Yeah I can.” Cliff said. “See, I grew up on a farm where we couldn’t afford horses or four wheel drives, and the whole time I was growing up– until about four years ago when we finally made some money and got a four wheeler– whenever the storms would roll in, I’d have to go out and round up the sheep. We had 2,000 head, and we have 2,000 acres. Sometimes I would have to run those sheep for two or three days. It took a long time, but I’d catch them. I believe I can run this race; it’s only two more days. Five days. I’ve run sheep for three.”

Albert Ernest Clifford Young began the race and just like Aesop’s fable, “The Tortoise and The Hare”, Cliff was left in the dust as the finest distance runners took off. And just like the Tortoise, Cliff ran with his own style – a shuffle. It would go on to be recognized as an energy-saving running technique labeled the “Young Shuffle.”

But a shuffle alone wasn’t going to win a marathon.

The gap between Cliff Young and the runners who were in the lead grew wider and wider.

After 18 hours of running, the athletes rested for 6 hours of sleep.

But Cliff Young kept running.

He didn’t sleep. He ran overnight. He ran in the dark.

In fact, he ran day and night; he didn’t sleep until he won the race.

Cliff ran on day and night while imagining he was on his farm back home chasing sheep.

Cliff Young completed the ultra marathon in five days, 15 hours and four minutes; he had cut almost two days off the record for any previous run between Sydney and Melbourne. A 61 year-old man who had trained in gumboots among cow paddocks had won a 544 mile race without wearing professional running gear and without sleeping for almost 6 days.

If it were a Hollywood film, few would believe it to be true. But truth is stranger than fiction and it actually happened and now ABC Television Australia has commissioned Clock End Films to produce, “Cliffy” – a movie for Television immortalizing Australia’s most unlikely sporting hero and legend.

“Here is a man, who at the very mention of his name makes people smile. Everyone relates to Cliffy because secretly we all feel we have the ability to do amazing things if only we were given the chance and we love an underdog” – Nigel Odell, Producer & Owner Clock End Films.

There are numerous lessons from Cliff Young’s extraordinary story and achievements:

* He refused to accept “no”

*  He refused to adopt other people’s limitations and beliefs

*  He refused to be swayed or stopped by other people’s mockery

*  He refused to give in or give up – he pushed on right to the finish line. “I like to finish what I start doing. I like to see it through to the end, to the best of my ability” said Cliff Young in 1977 interview.

But possibly the greatest lesson from Cliff Young and the other athletes is the power of belief. When the marathon runners began the race, they believed they would need to run for 18 hours and sleep 6 (but they were wrong); they believed that the past equals the future and based on past experience, they believed that the race would take about 7 days – but again they were wrong.

On the other hand, Cliff Young believed he could do it. He believed he could keep running day and night; he believed he didn’t need the finest, high-tech running shoes to complete the course or win the race; he believed that age didn’t matter to winning and achievement; he believed in giving it all – giving all of yourself.

Simply put, Cliff Young believed anything was possible; all he needed was to be given the opportunity.

What do you believe?

What do you believe about yourself and life?

Do you know that you will find what you are looking for?

If you believe that life has to be tough, that is what you will find and experience.

If you believe what other people say about you, then you will become that.

If you believe you are a loser, then you will live up to that.

If you believe it can’t be done, then it won’t.

If you believe there is hope and that you will find a way, then you will find the way.

If you believe that you can do it, that you can be, do and have what you want, then you will be, do and have what you want!

Remember, your inner world creates your outer world; your thoughts, feelings, attitudes and beliefs create your reality. Start from the inside out; change your beliefs to match what you want to create!

You can comment on this newsletter directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

“But there is much more than just kangaroos and koalas when it comes to the Aussie way of life, something that is enjoyed by 22 million people spread across 3 million square miles.

Read the full article by Patrick Wanis PhD on FOXNEWS.com:

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/01/26/what-americans-can-learn-from-aussies-on-australia-day/

First a quick update:

**** Twitter updates – Follow me on Twitter – follow me and have access to regular insights and revelations and the link to my weekly newsletter as soon as it is published – Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

**** Self-help scams and greed: The self-help movement is no longer about liberating people but rather having consumers and followers surrender themselves and their money to the leaders of a movement who are now more interested in helping themselves to money and power than they are in helping individuals to actually liberate and empower themselves. Listen to the interview I gave to Laurel Morales of National Public Radio: http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#selfhelpscams

Now, let’s talk about the critical lesson from Joe Paterno – one of the greatest football coaches in the US whose legacy has been marred by his admission of insufficient efforts to prevent alleged child abuse.

For people outside the US, Joe Paterno is a legendary Penn State University ex-football coach who died this past Sunday of lung cancer at 85 years of age. Paterno had a profound impact on thousands of lives: he had 409 career victories (a Football Bowl Subdivision record) and he coached the Penn State Nittany Lions for 46 years. But Paterno was also recognized as a great and honorable man – a father figure to many of his players.

But Paterno’s image was tarnished by a sex abuse scandal linked to Penn State.

In 2011, Penn State’s former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky was charged 52 criminal counts for sexually molesting young boys over a 15-year period. (1994 – 2009) and school administrators were criticized for knowing about the allegations but doing nothing. Sandusky has pleaded not guilty and Penn State legendary football coach Joe Paterno was fired for failing to take more action; Jerry Sandusky was Joe Paterno’s most trusted assistant for the majority of three decades.

Paterno went on to admit that he felt guilty that he had not done more to prevent the alleged abuse.

In my article “Penn State – false gods, anger and morality” I reveal three key lessons for all of us including 1. We need to use courage and anger to protect victims 2. There is a difference between “Legal obligation versus moral obligation: Do what is right.” When we see a wrong, we need to do something about it.
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/penn-state-false-gods-anger-morality/

And this leads to the greatest lesson for all of us from Joe Paterno’s experiences and life.

Yes, Joe Paterno was the winningest coach in Division I college football – FBS. Yes, he was recognized as a great father and husband.

And yes, we expected more from him.

But what did we expect?

The same thing we expect from all people that we place on pedestals – perfection.

But perfection is also often the very same thing we expect from everyone around us.

“Joe Paterno was a man so rich in virtue and good intentions, and was virtually flawless by every standard but one. The truth is, he could have, and should have done more to put an end to Sandusky’s horrendous crimes. So, for me at least, he will never be in the conversation of absolute saints. People can slip up and have faults, but unfortunately, the severity of Paterno’s mistake is too heavy to overlook.” – Sam Hofberg, sports columnist.
http://www.sportsrageous.com/what-to-make-of-joe-paternos-death-01-25-2012

Every client I have ever worked with has struggled with forgiveness, imperfection and accepting that we are all human beings. In other words, we are all imperfect and we will all make mistakes. Yes, there are consequences for our actions and for our mistakes and wrongdoing. But one of the greatest challenges we all face in life is accepting that we are flawed; we and everyone else around us.

Accepting imperfection does not mean condoning, ignoring or promoting wrongdoing but, it does mean learning to forgive and accept ourselves and our flaws.

When we cannot accept that people are imperfect (our parents, siblings, wife, husband, boss and friends), we not only destroy our relationships, we destroy the love and we suffer as a host of negative emotions begin to overpower us. Again, let me clearly state that there are boundaries and you must decide what you will and won’t accept in a romantic, social or business relationship.

We often cry out, pray, dream about or seek out unconditional love. We often demand it from our partner: ‘love me no matter what…accept me as I am…give to me without measure or condition.’ But how often do we do the same to the other person?

It’s not easy to love unconditionally, is it?

Philosophers, teacher and spiritual leaders will tell you that our natural state, our pure state is love – unconditional love. But what everyone often omits to remind us is that we are all imperfect. And the reason we struggle so desperately with expressing unconditional love is that we are humans, we make mistakes and we are imperfect and flawed and therefore we often love conditionally not unconditionally.

The paradox is that it is our flaws – our human state of imperfection that is the barrier to our ability to express unconditional love, which is our ideal version of love, our vision of perfect love.

To experience more love in our life, to get closer to experiencing unconditional love, we must begin with ourselves: loving and treating ourselves the way we want to be treated; accepting and forgiving ourselves for the wrong and stupid things we do, have done and will do.

The great teaching is “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” To love someone else, we must love ourselves; to be kind, forgiving, patient and gentle with someone else, we must kind, forgiving, patient and gentle with ourselves, for the way we treat others is the way we treat ourselves and vice versa.

Become aware of the way you judge others, for it is simply a reflection of the way you judge yourself. Begin now to love and accept yourself and you will see it mirrored in the way you treat others.

For forgiveness of self, consider using these products:

Getting over it:

http://patrickwanis.com/getoverit_package.asp

Feel good about yourself and be more confident (includes visualizations for forgiveness):

http://patrickwanis.com/FeelGood.asp

You can comment on this newsletter directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

**** “America’s decline – morality & celebrities” – “This country is in a mess…it is going down the tubes. People are lost…People are giving up” says media personality, journalist and show host, May Lee. She says Americans could learn a lot from the Asian work ethic and morality. Listen to the interview I gave to May Lee about the breakdown in morality and the rewarding of bad celebrity behavior: New York Governor Elliot Spitzer was exposed in a prostitution scandal and he later went on to host a show on CNN; Ashley Alexandra Dupré – prostitute to Spitzer was rewarded with a column in the New York Post and Lindsay Lohan continues to be celebrated despite being sentenced to jail five times in four years. http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#americasdecline

****  New Year Resolutions that work: Read my tips and quotes in the MSN article by Brienne Walsh: http://glo.msn.com/relationships/new-years-resolutions-you-can-actually-keep-7690.gallery

Now, let’s talk about the controversial topic of what women look for in a man, particularly now that women are becoming more successful and independent.

OWN is Oprah’s new cable TV outlet. In a recent discussion of programming needs, OWN executives stated that they were looking for “FEMALE driven stories where women are taking on what are received as men’s roles/worlds.” And that is exactly what is happening today as more and more women are becoming empowered and successful – they are taking on traditionally male roles.

In 2005, CBS news interviewed me to discuss the new woman, “The Millennium Woman” and her impact on men. A study of 1,000 women across the US, revealed that there are two key types of women: the Nouveau woman -the “Sex and the City” type, who creates equal partnerships with men and demands “me” time and the Neotraditionalist that prefers traditional gender roles, motherhood and “we” time. The Neotraditionalist is primarily about family and friends.

Based on the findings of the study, the new woman is confident, self-indulgent, highly concerned about her health and beauty and would be happy to be on her own without a life partner. (Read more in my article “When she just doesn’t get it”

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/when-she-doesnt-get-it/

And watch the TV interview I gave to CBS news here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4QYWTHoxXI )

However, women have become even more powerful in the seven years since that study. In my article “Women are taking over” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/women-are-taking-over/, I reveal that

• There are more women in the US workforce than men
• More women are attending and graduating college than men (in the US, UK and Australia)
• Churches are opening up to allow women to lead, preach and teach as ministers, pastors and reverends
• Women are becoming a greater force in politics
• Men are progressively being viewed as unnecessary as more women opt to raise children without a father
• Men are being portrayed in television shows and sitcoms as buffoons, simpletons and weak, helpless idiots who cannot survive without the wife who is smarter, more grounded and the boss. (Read my article “How stupid are men” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/how-stupid-are-men/
• The modern woman is being idealized as the independent, free, successful, sexually open woman who seeks a purpose greater than serving a man and;
• Women account for 85% of all consumer purchases

So where does that leave men? If women are becoming so powerful and independent, what do women look for in a man today?

Recently, a new client came to me complaining that her relationship broke up because her boyfriend couldn’t handle the fact that she is much more successful than he is. In her late thirties, she has three homes and a thriving business. She hadn’t realized that men are threatened and often feel emasculated by a woman that is more powerful financially.

In an interview I gave to HerCampus.com – a site for college women – many female readers were angered by the fact that I stated that men are intimidated by successful women; I encouraged successful women to still be feminine, to understand that men need to feel needed, and to allow them to lead occasionally. Read the article, my quotes and my response to readers here: http://www.hercampus.com/love/are-guys-intimidated-success-why-girl-who-has-everything-doesnt-have-boyfriend

Accordingly, if women are successful with a strong career and financially independent, what does a man have to offer a woman? What can he give her that she doesn’t have?

There are still women who seek the traditional male – the provider; there are still women who look for a man to take care of them financially, to offer security, but, as women get older, and after failed relationships and marriages where the man did provide financially but lacked in other areas, women’s priorities change and they seek to ensure that their emotional needs are also met.

My book, “What a woman wants” focuses on making over men to become more appealing and attractive to women; it is ultimately a phenomenal dating book with extraordinary advice but, it also contains some real wisdom for relationships, and answers the question “what can a man give a woman who already has financial security?”:

“Ultimately, a woman wants her man to make her feel special. She wants to experience love and ecstasy with him. She wants him to listen, pay attention to her, and be with her. She wants him to be understanding and empathetic of her feelings. When she makes a mistake or faces challenges, she wants understanding from her man, not loads of advice. She wants him to hold and cherish her and tell and show her that she is the one. Finally, she wants her man to respect her body and not just touch her sexually whenever he feels like it.”

P. 24 http://patrickwanis.com/WhatAWomanWantsBook.asp

Women still want a man that is intelligent, strong, bold, confident, calm, self-assured and masculine:

Possesses qualities such as assertiveness, confidence, energy, incisiveness, determination, strength of mind and body, stamina, nobility, self sacrifice and leadership. We can add to that devotion to family, caring, acceptance, commitment, honesty, reliability, respect and love for women, children & all living things, responsibility, and the ability to admit that he’s not perfect, and thus always remaining willing to work at being a better person.

From my article “When men refuse to be a real man”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/when-men-refuse-to-be-a-real-man/

In the TV interview I gave to CBS News, I point out that it is critical for men and women to list their values and priorities; women also make the mistake of thinking that they can have it all – full time career, husband, children and ‘me time.’ And unfortunately, women are shocked when they awaken to find out that one or more of those relationships is crumbling because there isn’t enough time and energy to give to everyone and everything. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4QYWTHoxXI

For men, here are some additional resources:

“Why women cheat”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/why-women-cheat-2/

“The biggest mistake men make”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/the-biggest-mistake-men-make/

For women, read my article: “You can’t have it all” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/you-cant-have-it-all/

You can comment on this newsletter  directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

**** Resolve to please yourself:  Studies indicate more than 80 percent of Americans don’t keep New Year’s resolutions. So why do we bother? Read my quotes and insights in the Tampa Bay News about “the one resolution people should set, and it will make all other goals possible.” http://www.tampabay.com/news/humaninterest/resolve-to-please-yourself/1207976

****  New Year aids – Read these various articles for help and insights into creating the New Year that you want.

• 7 steps to Breaking bad habits – http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/breaking-bad-habits/
• Insights into New Year’s resolutions – http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/be-a-warrior-forget-new-years-resolutions-2/
• Finding balance -: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/the-most-powerful-resolution-for-2009/
• Letting go of the past and transforming the New Year - http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/letting-go-of-this-past-year-and-transforming-the-new-year/

Now, let’s talk about the new study that reveals how cumulative adversity and stress actually shrink the brain and can lead to addiction, depression, loss of impulse control and diabetes.

It is accurate to say that almost every one of us is faced with tremendous stress and stressors on a daily basis. And some of those stressors such as death, disease, illness, accidents and job loss are unavoidable. But the real danger occurs when we have high stress on a daily basis – chronic stress – and then we are hit with adversity such as death, illness, divorce or a job loss. The chronic stress has already made us vulnerable to the major life events as we are not able to handle them and a part of brain loses volume – yes, shrinks. And, in turn, that part of the brain which is no longer functioning properly can cause depression, a loss of self-control (inability to control our impulses), addiction, anxiety and diabetes. And the more stress that faces you, both chronic and major, the worse the effect is.

The above is the finding of a study led by Dr. Rajita Sinha, a professor of psychiatry and neurobiology at Yale University School of Medicine and director of the Yale Stress Center.

Dr. Sinja conducted a brain imaging study of more than 100 healthy subjects and found that stressful life events, (divorce, job loss, death of a loved one, loss of a home from natural disaster, etc) can reduce gray matter (nerve cells and dendrites) in the prefrontal cortex region which is critical for regulation of emotions, desires & impulses, and physiology.  Dr. Sinja says “The prefrontal cortex is important for metabolic homeostasis and for our survival and adaptation to life’s challenges.”

The study also revealed that the reduction in brain size is apparent soon after stressful events occur and may serve as warning signals of future psychiatric disorders and chronic diseases, such as hypertension and diabetes.

Emily Ansell, assistant professor of psychiatry at Yale University and lead author of the study says “The accumulation of stressful life events may make it more challenging for these individuals to deal with future stress, particularly if the next demanding event requires effortful control, emotion regulation, or integrated social processing to overcome it.”

A couple of other key findings from the study include:

• Chronic stress can erode parts of the brain gradually

• Recent life stressors such as a traumatic accident, job loss or medical diagnosis affect our emotional awareness, the brain shrinks and we lose touch with our emotions – acting inappropriately or with a lack of compassion. This is one way that stress leads to violent or seemingly inexplicably, highly emotional behavior by someone that was previously perceived as ‘a normal quiet, peaceful person.’

• Life trauma stressors, such as living with a major illness, cancer or death of a loved one, affect mood centers, distorting our ability to regulate pleasure and reward, and resulting in depression, anxiety or addiction.

The solution

Dr. Sinja says that “The brain is plastic, and there are ways to bring back and perhaps reverse some of the effects of stress and rescue the brain somewhat.” http://www.biologicalpsychiatryjournal.com/article/S0006-3223%2811%2901193-0/abstract

How?

Here are a few tips along with links to articles further below.

Exercise

Although, it is not a cure, exercise relieves stress and creates natural highs. Aerobic exercises and deep breathing while walking are most beneficial

Meditation & Yoga

Meditating 10-20 minutes a day along with relaxed slower breathing patterns also stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming the stress response, resulting in restorative physiological processes and extraordinary benefits to the brain:

1. Strengthening and rejuvenating the brain: The cells of the brain and their dendrites (the extensions that grow out from the brain cells) deteriorate with age. But scientific studies confirm that meditation results in the growth of new dendrites in the brain.
2. Preserving memory and cognitive functions: There are about 10,000 dendrites per brain cell. Thus the growth of new dendrites and healthy cells preserves and maintains overall functioning of the brain.
3. Stimulates the limbic system (the brain’s emotional command center controlling the endocrine and autonomic nervous system) with focus on empathy, compassion and happiness; changes the way the brain operates outside of meditation – with ramped-up activation of the left-sided anterior region of the brain responsible for generating positive emotions.
4. Improves function in the prefrontal cortex responsible for focus, thoughts and action – problem solving, emotion, complex thought including perception, attention, cognition, processing of sensory information and visual perception.

Emotional support

Who is in your life and in what ways do they influence you? Who are your support groups? Ask for help; allow yourself to be vulnerable and receive support during difficult times. A person who hides in a fortress or castle does so out of fear, but a strong person, stands out front and allows him/herself to be honest, vulnerable and to receive help.

Leisure time & guilt

Create time to enjoy life – not purely as a response or reward for hard work but rather as an enjoyment of the beautiful things in life (i.e. without feeling guilty.) If you deprive yourself of time to relax, play and have fun, you will create further stress and you will rebel by eventually engaging in self-destructive activities as a way to compensate for the lack of joy in your life.

Two powerful tips to reduce stress now 

Read my article: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/two-powerful-tips-to-reduce-stress-now/

Top tips for tough times 

Read my article: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/top-tips-for-tough-times/

How to remove stress from your life

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/how-to-remove-stress-from-your-life/

Sleep Deeply

Use this audio program to sleep deeply: http://patrickwanis.com/SleepDeeply.asp

Feel good about yourself

Use this audio program to relax, raise your self-esteem and let go of the past:

http://patrickwanis.com/FeelGood.asp

For more help and support on stress you can refer to this list of articles on stress: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/list-of-articles-on-overcoming-stress/

You can comment on this newsletter directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

****  From addiction to sober fun – Watch the interviews at Milestones Ranch Malibu Treatment Center where I explore the meaning and definition of Sober Fun http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXPa30fcsDY

****  FOX News Channel – watch my the interview I gave to FOX News channel – The Top 5 Celebrity Meltdowns of 2011:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB0pG5Jg68o

Now, let’s talk about the New Year, finding your voice, speaking up and establishing conditions and ultimatums before a business, personal or romantic relationship begins.

At the beginning of every New Year, it is almost customary to seek out new beginnings and to seek out change. Accordingly, the New Year can be an opportune time to review old habits which don’t work and begin new strategies.

Also read my article “Breaking bad habits” – http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/breaking-bad-habits/

One challenge that most people have is harnessing the ability, power and confidence to speak up and state their needs. As discussed in my article “Ultimatums and reverse ultimatums”, an ultimatum (a threat to take specific action or face the consequences) is usually given during a relationship as a last resort by one of the partners (“Marry me or else I will…)  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/ultimatums-reverse-ultimatums-in-relationships/

While ultimatums are necessary when a person’s life or health is in danger, in most cases, ultimatums fail and the person issued with the ultimatum continues on in his/her comfort zone and with his/her habits or the relationship simply ends. Either way, the relationship has not improved, not evolved and not moved forward or to the next level.

The key to finding your voice, speaking up and getting what you need is to do so at the beginning of the relationship, and in some cases, before it even begins. This principle applies to all forms of relationships – personal, social, business and romantic.

Recently, a friend of mine was sharing with me her experience over the years with roommates when she was looking to rent out a room. She found that most people would respond to her ad and tell her what she wanted to hear and then, once they were in the apartment, they would try to change the terms in an unspoken manner – via their behavior. This can be referred to as the Unspoken Ultimatum – the new roommate by his/her behavior says ‘this is what I am going to do and you must accept it or else you don’t get pain and yo must throw me out.’ Of course, the existing roommate can also do the same thing – engaging in an Unspoken Ultimatum.

This principle of trying to change the terms of a relationship also occurs in romantic and even business relationships – the strategy of “just get in and then change the terms and take what you want.” This is also known in the business world as “baiting and switching” – when the seller offers one thing but delivers something different.

Another example of the ‘Unspoken Ultimatum’ is cheating – an affair in a relationship. This is the ultimate ultimatum – when a man cheats on his wife; the act of cheating says “I’m going to do what I want and you have to accept it.” Of course, one might argue that the woman does not have to accept it, but she is ultimately forced to make a decision – accept the cheating or divorce. Many women accept the cheating because they believe or fear that the divorce would lead to greater suffering, pain and loss (financial, mental and emotional.) This is particularly common with politician’s wives or the wives of elite or powerful men whereby the wife accepts the cheating so she can appear as the faithful wife or so that she does not lose the social standing or experience shame or humiliation by making it public. Thus, in such cases, the ultimatum issued by the man via his behavior succeeds – at least for a while.

Many people fear issuing the deal breaker from the outset because they are desperate and fear being alone, missing out on security, love and romance; not having a relationship or not getting a need met.

Here are three keys to avoiding pain or at least lowering the chances of pain and failure in a relationship:

1. Become clear: What is your deal breaker? What will you and won’t you accept? Apply this principle to all of your relationships – business, romantic and personal. Ultimatums issued at the beginning of a relationship create boundaries of what a person will or won’t accept. For example “If you cheat on me I’ll leave you.” or “I don’t date smokers, etc.” Of course, an ultimatum issued at the outset won’t change a person but it lets them know clearly what your expectations and conditions are. Also read my article “What’s your red flag?” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/whats-your-red-flag/

2. Establish your values and priorities. This is a critical exercise because when you are clear about your values (principals and things that are important to you) you can easily ask yourself each time when faced with a challenge, turning point, behavior, relationship or other decision “Does this fit with my values? Is it aligned with my purpose?”

3. Ask for what you want. And from the outset. Even if you are not religious, this Biblical quote is a powerful philosophy and practical strategy: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” This suggestion is an encouragement to speak up, state what you want and what you need and to focus continually only on what you want. We often hold back from asking for what we want because we fear conflict, confrontation or rejection. And yet, by doing so, we simply delay the inevitable and create more pain and disappointment as we suffer in resentment and bitterness, and erode our self-confidence and self-esteem because we refuse to make our needs, feelings and desires a priority. Read my article “The fear to speak up”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/the-fear-to-speak-up/

Fear is a major threat to your happiness and it paralyzes you from asking for what you want; begin the New Year by focusing on conquering fear by taking small steps that will make a huge difference: Be willing to state your needs, feelings and conditions, and, choose to surround yourself with people who are in alignment with your needs and your values. Be willing to say “No” to what you don’t want – and do it right from the beginning! (Read my article “The power of ‘No’” – http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/the-power-of-no/ )

You can comment on this newsletter directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

****  Letting go of this past year and transforming the New Year: At the end of the year, it is natural to feel overwhelmed by a vast array of emotions. Read my article and learn the 7 steps to transforming the New Year: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/letting-go-of-this-past-year-and-transforming-the-new-year/

****  Deaths and lack of self-help industry regulations: Listen to the radio interview I gave to NPR where I talk about Sweat lodge deaths, gurus and lack of self-help industry regulations – http://kjzz.org/content/1112/sweat-lodge-tragedy-highlights-lack-self-help-industry-regulations

****  FOX News Channel – watch my Top 5 Celebrity Meltdowns of 2011 this Saturday December 31^st live at 7:40 AM EST on FOX News channel

Now, let’s talk about ultimatums and reverse ultimatums in relationships.

Around the Holiday Season, some women expect, hope and pray for a marriage proposal or serious commitment from their boyfriend.

Debbie wrote last Christmas:

“I have been with my boyfriend for four years now and we’re living together for two of those years. We had talked about marriage about 2 years ago and I was waiting for him to propose to me this Christmas. I am so devastated that he didn’t and I don’t know what to do…What about if I issue him an ultimatum – marry me or it’s over? Do you think that will work?”

An ultimatum is a proposition that comes with terms and conditions – it involves a threat: ‘meet my demands or else I will do such and such.’

A reverse ultimatum involves a counter proposition, which I will explain shortly.

Various reporters have often asked me for my expert opinion about whether or not a woman should ever issue an ultimatum to a man. The answer is generally “No. And there is a more effective approach.” And I will reveal the “more effective approach” in a moment.

First, it is critical to understand the way men think. In my article “Why don’t you change?” I reveal that men do not like to change.  http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/why-dont-you-change/

“Sadly, men generally don’t have any interest in changing until they truly need to change – when the pain becomes so strong that they realize they must change i.e. when the wife threatens to divorce her husband unless he attends counseling or changes a specific habit. And even then, the man will only change when and if he is willing and ready. And ladies, please understand that it takes men years to change, mature and evolve.

“Men resist change because they also often feel that it threatens their individuality and freedom. I am not saying men are right but I am saying that women would be better off by: 1. Choosing a man who matches their values 2. Loving the man for who he is rather than trying to mold him into what they want him to be.

In a case where a person’s health, wellbeing or life is in jeopardy, an ultimatum might be the last resort. An ultimatum is generally the final demand in a series of requests. For example, one woman had to issue an ultimatum to her husband to “get a vasectomy or no more sex” because she fell pregnant a third time and her life was now in danger and she was bedridden for many months; the contraception didn’t work and he had refused her prior requests for a vasectomy – unfortunately he had never put her health and safety first. But the point is that since men resist change and generally rebel at being told what to do or told that they must do something, an ultimatum often fails. Also, if a person gives in against his will, then the seeds of resentment and bitterness will most likely begin to take root and grow. Accordingly, forcing a man to marry you won’t necessarily equal happiness – possibly yours in the short term but not his in the long term.

In a moment, I will reveal the more effective approach to this challenge, but first, a word about “reverse ultimatums.”

Debbie went on to issue an ultimatum to her boyfriend and his response was close to being passive-aggressive. In other words, he simply ignored her requests and went on his merry way as if nothing had changed. He avoided the topic and by being passive in his response he was issuing a ‘reverse ultimatum.’

Debbie tried playing a game and she became shut-down, emotionally and intimately unavailable and thus the game of ultimatums continued until they both broke up and did so with bitterness, anger and contempt for each other.

Games and manipulative behavior, as well as threats or forced demands, do not succeed and only act as a wedge in the relationship – destroying trust and love.

Here is the more effective approach than issuing ultimatums -

5 lessons from Debbie’s experience:

1. Issue the ultimatums at the beginning of the relationship

This is another way of stating that both partners agree to a pledge to each other, and they clearly spell out “the deal breaker.” For example, determine now if you both want children and be wary of tricking him into having them one day or thinking that you can change your man. Read my article again: “Why don’t you change?” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/why-dont-you-change/

2. Effective communication

Rather than issuing ultimatums, ask for what you need. Ask him about his desires, goals and vision but also tell him what you feel, what you need and what is important to you. Be assertive when asking for what you need and clarify the consequences of actions or lack of action which can change the focus of a relationship and move it to the next level or end it. Either way, don’t wait for bitterness and resentment to infect the relationship and create more problems.

3. Shared values

This relates to lesson 1. Be clear right now about what your values and priorities in life are, and, find someone who shares those same values.

4. Actions speak louder than words

if you are asking him “Where do you see our relationship going?” and he responds with silence or he has not proposed, be willing to accept that he does not want the same thing as you – does not want to get married – even if he is too afraid to say it your face, his actions have given you your answer.

5. Acceptance

It is possible that you and he have either evolved or grown in different directions, your values have changed (or were never the same) or he doesn’t care or isn’t in love with you anymore. If you have told him what you feel and need and what is significant to you and he refuses to respond, and he does nothing, then you have to act accordingly and follow-through. Accept that you both possibly have different needs and do not get involved in things that don’t fit the way you want to live.

You can comment on this newsletter directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

PATRICK WANIS: I’ve been called guru and stuff. And I say I’m not a guru. Please don’t place me on a pedestal. Just listen to my message follow your instinct if there’s something valuable here, use it.

LAUREL MORALES: Wanis says gurus manipulate and claim to know what’s best for you. They create a relationship where your unquestioned obedience is demanded.

PATRICK WANIS: Anytime we experience a major crisis, we are susceptible to seeking out spiritual healers, gurus and other people who claim they have the answer that will satisfy our sense of wanting to find an explanation for chronic suffering and mortality.

Listen to the NPR radio interview where Wanis talks about “Sweat lodge tragedy highlights lack of self-help industry regulations”:
http://kjzz.org/content/1112/sweat-lodge-tragedy-highlights-lack-self-help-industry-regulations

First a quick update:

****  “Always Feeling Like You Need A Guy: What’s With This?” – Read my quotes as well as my controversial response to the comments in the article for HerCampus.com:

http://www.hercampus.com/love/always-feeling-you-need-guy-whats

****  “It’s not easy feeling green (with envy)” – Read the USA Today article which features some of my quick tips on ways to deal with contextual jealousy: http://yourlife.usatoday.com/sex-relationships/story/2011-12-14/Its-not-easy-feeling-green-with-envy/51896888/1

Now, let’s talk about how to control and release anger.

In my article, “The roots of anger” (http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/the-roots-of-anger/), I reveal that:

“The dictionary defines anger as an emotion – a feeling of strong displeasure and belligerence. But anger is much more than that. Anger is the almost immediate response to being hurt, injured or wronged; the hurt or injury can be a physical, emotional or psychological pain. Beneath that anger is a deeper pain. In other words, while the unsafe expression of anger can cause problems, anger in itself is not the problem, but rather, it is the symptom of another problem, emotion or belief.”

In other words, there often is another emotion beneath the anger (betrayal, rejection, fear, insecurity, worthlessness, feelings of injustice, violation and so forth.) But I also mentioned above that anger can be the symptom of another belief i.e. there is a reason that we hold onto that anger; oftentimes there is a powerful benefit to holding onto that anger and sometimes it is driven by resentment and self-pity.

Denny Seiwell has been a professional drummer playing since he was a teenager and has worked with some of the biggest names in the music industry – Paul McCartney, Joe Cocker, James Brown, The Who Astrud Gilberto, Deniece Williams, Art Garfunkel, Billy Joel and many more. Danny was one of the original members of Paul McCartney’s band “Wings.”

Danny was introduced to alcohol at age 13 and it became a way to deal with his problems, even though it almost destroyed his life as he tried to avoid facing his real pain and feelings.

“I had one big problem in life, and I had no way of dealing with that problem other than pouring alcohol on it. The more alcohol I poured on it, the more the problem grew, and then I had more problems. Pretty soon it just fed into every area of my life. A typical day: I’d roll a joint in the morning, get high, get a burrito from Poquito Mas, have some beers in the morning, and at noon, I’d start drinking Stolis. I just didn’t want to feel what I was feeling. What I was feeling was resentment, because there was this big piece of work that I did years ago that I didn’t get paid for, and I couldn’t live with that. It should have taken care of my wife and me financially for the rest of our lives, and it just didn’t happen that way. The only way I knew how to deal with that was to slam booze. Those days were just really horrible.”

(From the book “Moments of Clarity” by Christopher Kennedy Lawford)

Danny was stuck in anger, resentment and self-pity; the anger was driven by the resentment and self-pity. Beneath that anger was the choice to try and avoid facing the responsibility of dealing with the bad business deal; Danny was avoiding seeking amends, avoiding accepting what might have been beyond his control, and avoiding having to face the reality of taking charge of his life by seeking new business deals. In other words, there will be times in our life when things go wrong, we might even be ripped off, betrayed or robbed of an opportunity, and we can stay stuck in self-pity or decide to seek out and create other opportunities. The balance here is identifying what we can and cannot control. and only responding accordingly to what we can control.

Sometimes, though, anger can be driven by the need for self-protection, revenge, or familiarity.

Debbie is a divorced woman who struggles in relationships because her anger and outbursts creates rifts, pushes people away and destroys the love. Debbie is angry over the abuse she suffered as child by her mother.

We identified that Debbie was choosing to stay angry because she believed that if she were to let go of the anger, and possibly forgive her mother, then Debbie would believe that she was condoning what her mother did. I explained to Debbie that it is critical to understand that yes, you can forgive the person without condoning the action; the action and abuse are still wrong. Debbie also believed that by remaining angry she could feel powerful by placing a wall around her so that no one could get close and no one could hurt her. But she didn’t really feel powerful, since she felt powerless to the anger that was controlling her and since she was really coming from a place of fear – afraid that someone might hurt her again; she was assuming that everyone around her was the same as her mother or would treat her the same way as her mother did. Debbie also didn’t trust herself because she was afraid that if she were to let go of the wall of anger, she might not know how to stand up to her mother, how to protect herself.

For Debbie, forgiving her mother was only part of the solution; Debbie also had to learn ways to respond to her mother who was still behaving like an emotional vampire. (Read my article: “Dealing with emotional vampires”: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/dealing-with-emotional-vampires/ ) And Debbie had to create a new identity since she had become so familiar with responding with anger that she believed it was part of whom and what she is – her identity.

Frank is a highly successful father of two children. When he came to me, he was still angry at his father for never approving him, never validating or praising his work, success or achievements. In fact, Frank always felt that he and his father were in competition. Frank’s anger was driven by the desire for revenge – sometimes he would even hurt himself as a way of subconsciously saying “I’ll show you; F… you; You can’t control me.”

The process to go beyond controlling anger – to being set free from anger is:

1. Identify the person to whom your anger is directed (the Instigator)
2. Identify the emotions beneath the anger (the emotions that the anger masks – as explained above – resentment, self-pity, revenge, self-protection, fear, insecurity, shame, worthlessness, etc)
3. Identify all of the emotional or psychological benefits of your anger (as illustrated above – vindication, self-protection, justice, payback, safety and security, etc.)
4. List what would happen if you were to release the anger (i.e. all of the positive and negative consequences)
5. Work towards forgiveness of the Instigator (and yourself where necessary and appropriate – e.g. children who were often abused subconsciously feel responsible, guilty or ashamed)
6. Release the anger and underlying subconscious emotions (this can be done many ways such as SRTT, guided visualization and so forth but it must be accompanied by forgiveness and compassion. (For individuals, see Phone Consultations http://patrickwanis.com/PhoneConsultations.asp; for therapists and coaches, learn about a unique and effective therapeutic technique SRTT: http://patrickwanis.com/srtt/srtt-st.asp
7. Create a new identity and new habits

If you are in place of anger in your life, then it might be challenging to hear and fully understand this but until you can incorporate forgiveness and compassion, you will never be set free from the anger. Ask yourself “Why am I afraid to forgive?” Read my article “The fear to forgive” http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/the-fear-to-forgive/ or use my audio program “Getting over it” which also includes an audio file on forgiveness: http://patrickwanis.com/getoverit_package.asp

You can comment on this newsletter directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

First a quick update:

****  Special – Half -off everything: Starting today and running till midnight Saturday, I am offering you fifty-percent off all of my products. That’s right half-off everything. Note: you will get the discount at the shopping cart. www.patrickwanis.com

****  “Are Guys Intimidated by Success? Why the Girl Who Has Everything Doesn’t Have a Boyfriend” – Read my quotes as well as my  controversial response to the comments in the article for HerCampus.com: http://www.hercampus.com/love/are-guys-intimidated-success-why-girl-who-has-everything-doesnt-have-boyfriend

****  Alec Baldwin and inflated sense of self – Read my revised list of the Top Ten Celebrity Meltdowns of 2011 which now includes Alec Baldwin who 5 years ago called his 11-year-old daughter, “A thoughtless little pig”, now threw a tantrum on a plane, locked himself in the bathroom after violating FAA regulations and then ridiculed the airline and crew with an SNL spoof where he referred to himself as “An American hero.”
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/the-top-ten-celebrity-meltdowns-of-2011/

Now, let’s talk about Christmas, Christmas history, the controversy and whether or not there is a possibility to find a balance and peace between religious people and atheists.

For decades, it has been heralded as “the most wonderful time of the year”:

With the kids jingle belling

And everyone telling you “Be of good cheer”

So says the popular Christmas song by Andy Williams that dates back to 1963. But the brouhaha about Christmas continues to get louder and louder, with very little cheer.

One example is the famous Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica, California where for 60 years Christians had displayed Nativity scenes for a whole city block. But this year, 18 of the 21 displays in the park are by atheists. In fact, churches were granted two of the 21 display sites, and one went to Isaac Levitansky of Chabad Channukah Menorah.

American Athiests Inc. claims they have 37 million members, and ironically, since 1963, the year of the famous song “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

One of their banners on display quotes Thomas Jefferson:

“Religions are all alike – founded upon fables and mythologies.”

Christmas is the celebration of Jesus’ birth but not even the churches can agree on the date or year.

The Catholic Church’s official commentary on the New Testament states that “Though the year of Jesus birth is not reckoned with certainty, the birth did not occur in AD 1.” Other religious documents place Jesus’ birthday as March 21st, May 20^th, November 18th and September 11^th. The modern Armenian Apostolic church continues to celebrate Christmas on January 6^th.

So how did Christmas come to be celebrated on December 25^th, the day of the Roman feast of the birth of Mithra, the Indo-Iranian Sun God – Sol Invictus (the Invincible Sun)?

Roman pagans celebrated the holiday of Saturnalia, the Winter Solstice. Saturnus, the god of seed and sowing, was honored with this festival from December the 17th to 23rd. The celebrations and festivities included visiting friends, gift-giving, and “Drinking, noise and games and dice, appointing of kings and feasting of slaves, singing naked, clapping of frenzied hands, an occasional ducking of corked faces in icy water—such are the functions over which I preside” wrote Lucian in Saturnalia.

In the 3^rd century, the Roman Emperor Aurelian blended Saturnalia with a number of birth celebrations of savior Gods from other religions, into a single holy day, December 25^th.

In the 4th century CE, Christianity imported the Saturnalia festival hoping to convert mass numbers of pagans by promising them that they could continue to celebrate the Saturnalia as Christians; eventually in 386 CE, Christian leaders named December 25th, to be Jesus’ birthday and many of the customs of Saturnalia continued on during the celebration of Jesus’ birthday. Accordingly, Christmas and its celebrations were banned by the Puritans and it was deemed illegal in Massachusetts, USA between 1659 and 1681.

Meanwhile, the Jews believe much of anti-Semitism traces back to Saturnalia as the Christian church continued many of its the customs, with claims  that “in 1466, Pope Paul II, for the amusement of his Roman citizens, forced Jews to race naked through the streets of the city.” And in 1836, “the Jewish community of Rome sent a petition in 1836 to Pope Gregory XVI begging him to stop the annual Saturnalia abuse of the Jewish community, he responded, ‘It is not opportune to make any innovation.’” (Judaism online: http://www.simpletoremember.com/vitals/Christmas_TheRealStory.htm#_ftn7 )

A careful study reveals that many of the Christmas customs (the stocking, Santa Claus, his flying reindeers, caroling, and so forth) are of pagan origin but the negative result of the heated arguments for and against Christmas might best be summed up by Richard who writes:

“Christians/Atheists- listen up. You both start this garbage every year like clockwork. Well, guess what? You’re both fringe groups cut from opposite ends of the same narcissistic cloth, and neither of you have any right to ruin this time of year for the rest of us who just want to spend time with family and friends and enjoy the holiday season. Both of you are free to believe, or disbelieve anything you wish. But you don’t have the right to foist your hatred of each other on the rest of us, so grow up, and shut up. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.”

While so many of us have strong beliefs and are often chained by them, maybe our energy would be better spent on reaping the joyous rewards of the intended spirit of Christmas rather than trying to force our beliefs for or against the tradition. In other words, celebrate the spirit of love, joy, friendship and good cheer.

We have commercialized almost every Holiday to the extent that the original intention and meaning behind all of them has gone. Stores now open at midnight on Thanksgiving Day and people line-up and camp out hours before with the hope of snagging some bargains; the opportunity to spend time with family and give thanks is replaced with the desire to get a good deal.

And so it goes for Christmastime; as Richard states, the focus should be to “spend time with family and friends and enjoy the holiday season.” The magic of this time of the year is the opportunity to stop the constant rush and stress of everyday life, to get together with the people that you love, to express appreciation for them, and to give thanks for everything that you have.

From a psychological and behavioral perspective, Christmas Day can be a soothing time because it creates a feeling of community and connection: when time appears to stand still, shops are closed, there is nowhere to rush, we are not thinking or worrying about tomorrow, we all stop on one single day; we get together with loved ones and family, knowing that everyone else across the country is doing the same thing and that the mood, intention and focus is on friendship, love, gratitude, warmth, affection and acceptance. And in that moment, we suddenly notice the small things that really mean a lot.

In every moment, we have a choice and can make true the words sung by Andy Williams:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

With the kids jingle belling

And everyone telling you “Be of good cheer”

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

It’s the hap-happiest season of all

With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings

When friends come to call

It’s the hap- happiest season of all

No matter what your religious beliefs are or are not, I send you love and blessings and wish you and your loved ones only the best, with the hope that it will be the hap-happiest season of all.

And if you are feeling lonely, read my article and suggestions about “Overcoming Loneliness”:
http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/overcoming-loneliness/

You can comment on this newsletter  directly below.

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com