In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the power to break bad habits, transform your beliefs and change your life – simply by doing the opposite.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  Relationships – Beware of emotional vampires – Chances are you know someone who sucks the life right out of you. What can you do about these emotional vampires? Read my insights and quotes on MSN/Glo.com: http://glo.msn.com/relationships/beware-of-emotional-vampires-7530.gallery You can also read my detailed article with additional strategies about how to deal with emotional vampires: http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/dealing-with-emotional-vampires/

 

 

Now, let’s talk about doing the opposite and how that can change your life.

 

In a famous episode of the NBC sitcom, Seinfeld, George (Jason Alexander) has just returned from the beach and enters Monks Café to share with Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) his epiphany.

 

George: It’s not working, Jerry. It’s just not working.

Jerry: What is it that isn’t working?

George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but … I was perceptive. I always know when someone’s uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I’ve ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat … It’s all been wrong.

(A waitress comes up to George)

Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

George: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing’s ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted. with a side of potato salad, and a cup of tea.

Elaine: Well, there’s no telling what can happen from this.

Jerry: You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, ‘cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

George: Good for the tuna.

(A blonde woman looks at George)

Elaine: Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

George: So what? What am I supposed to do?

Elaine: Go talk to her.

George: Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don’t approach strange women.

Jerry: Well here’s your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

George: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George: Yes. I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

Continue reading “Do the opposite” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about ‘how special are you?’ and the difference between plastic self-esteem and authentic self-esteem.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  Hollywood continues to portray women as sexual objects – “The new female comedian has to be the sexual aggressor, sexually provocative, dominant & successful.” Read my insights on FoxNews.com: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/10/12/new-crop-comediennes-combine-funny-bones-with-banging-bodies/

 

 

 

Now, let’s talk about “How special are you?”

 

“On a reality TV show, a girl planning her Sweet Sixteen wants a major road blocked off so a marching band can precede her grand entrance on a red carpet. Five times as many Americans undergo plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures as ten years ago, and ordinary people hire fake paparazzi to follow them around to make them look famous. High school students physically attack classmates and post YouTube videos of the beatings to get attention. And for the past several years, Americans have been buying McMansions and expensive cars on credit they can’t afford.” – The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement – by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell. 2009

 

Jean Twenge is a Professor of Psychology at San Diego State University. She quotes me in her book above speaking about celebrity narcissism, Paris Hilton and others.

 

In an hour-long recorded conversation, Professor Twenge and I debated various points about narcissism and its causes. Professor Twenge believes that narcissism became widespread from the 1980s onwards largely due to parenting, the media and the self-esteem movement. (You can listen to our recorded interview and conversation here: http://patrickwanis.com/selflove/Packages.asp

 

“We live in a time when high self-esteem is encouraged from childhood, when young people have more freedom and independence than ever, but also far more depression, anxiety, cynicism, and loneliness… More than any other generation in history, the children of Baby Boomers are disappointed by what they find when they arrive at adulthood.” – Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled — and More Miserable Than Ever Before – by Jean M. Twenge. 2006

 

Professor Twenge and I have differing opinions about self-esteem as the cause of narcissism. Professor Twenge argues that parents continually tell their children how special they are and therefore the children grow up feeling entitled and turn into narcissists.  However, I refer to narcissism as fake or plastic self-esteem and argue therefore that authentic self-esteem is not the cause of narcissism.

 

A narcissistic person is self-promoting, self-indulgent, selfish, self-serving, promiscuous, highly competitive, unable to form meaningful relationships, displays strong and aggressive reactions to criticism or rejection, suffers from deep insecurities and is motivated by instant gratification.

 

But I do agree with Professor Twenge that parents are a primary cause of narcissism: not when tell their children they are special but when they tell them that they are special for no reason. And here is where the argument begins, not with the academic psychologists and researchers but rather with the New Age teachers who believe that we are all naturally special and wonderful because we are children of God or some similar argument i.e. we are all wonderful for just being here.

 

While that principle sounds poetically and philosophically inspiring and warming to the heart, it doesn’t translate with the psychological and behavioral development of a child. Here we are presented with two extremes – 1. The parents who destroy a child’s self-esteem by continually judging, condemning and criticizing the child and; 2. The parents who create narcissists by continually telling their children they are special and winners even when they do nothing at all (thus instilling fake self-esteem, entitlement and greed.)

Continue reading “How special are you?” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the meaning and significance of four words that inspired a man who would become a visionary, pioneer and creative genius: “Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.”

 

 

First a quick update:

 

****  Cheaters, Deconstructed – An Expert Divulges Why Men Stray – Why do men cheat? Is there simply one answer or many? Are there common threads in a man’s biology and psychology that can be used to understand his betrayal? Read the insights and quotes I gave to MSN and Glo.com about the various factors and motivations of the cheating man http://glo.msn.com/relationships/cheaters-deconstructed-1534418.story

 

Now, let’s talk about the lesson to “Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.”

 

Steve Jobs was a controversial man – an American inventor and entrepreneur, a technology industry icon who co-founded Apple Inc. and whose company is responsible for the Macintosh computer, the iPhone, iPod and iPad. Apple’s technologies and Steve Jobs’ contributions have resulted in a heightened ability to share ideas, music, art and creativity.

 

Steve Jobs was also controversial because Apple was criticized for using cheap Chinese labor over American labor and for aggressively attempting to patent simple things that probably shouldn’t and which would potentially negatively impact creativity and innovation by the same company that defended creativity and innovation. For example, Apple filed a motion to stop Samsung from selling its Galaxy Tablet and some smartphones based on patents that the iPad-maker holds. Samsung responded by claiming that Apple got the idea and design for a tablet computer (the iPad) from the 1968 Stanley Kubrick film (and Arthur C. Clarke’s book) 2001: A Space Odyssey in which the astronauts eat while watching a TV show on flat, personal computers. “…he would plug in his foolscap-size newspad into the ship’s information circuit and scan the latest reports from Earth. One by one he would conjure up the world’s major electronic papers… Switching to the display unit’s short-term memory, he would hold the front page while he quickly searched the headlines and noted the items that interested him.” – Arthur C. Clarke – “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

 

Controversies aside, Steve Jobs was a successful businessman, visionary and entrepreneur. Jobs and Steve Wozniak started Apple at age 20 and within 10 years, Apple had grown from two people in a garage into a two billion dollar company with over 4,000 employees.

 

But Steve Jobs’ story is much more inspiring than simply his financial success. And there are some key lessons from his life.

 

Jobs was born to a young unwed graduate student who decided to give him away for adoption with the proviso that the adopting parents would ensure he would go to college when he grows up.

 

Despite his biological mother’s initial protests, Steve Jobs was given away to a working class couple (the mother had never graduated from college and the father had never graduated from high school.) But Steve Jobs went to college and within the first six months, Jobs awoke to realize that he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life or how college would help. He also felt guilty that his parents’ hard-earned money was being wasted.

 

Jobs decided to follow his “curiosity and intuition”: he dropped out, but he dropped in on a few classes that struck his interest. One of those classes was calligraphy and Jobs knew there was no practical application at the time but ten years later when he designed the first Macintosh computer, Jobs recalled those classes and saw the connection as he added beautiful typography and multiple typefaces to the Mac computer.

 

“Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

 

Steve Jobs had to say no to what he didn’t want so that he could say yes to what he did want. Jobs had found what he loved at a very young age.

 

But at age 30, due to clashing visions, Steve Jobs was fired from his own company, Apple, by the Board of Directors. At first, Jobs felt like a failure but then had his second awakening: although he had been rejected, Jobs was still in love with what he did.

 

“The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.”

 

Jobs formed a company named NeXT and then started Pixar, now the most successful animation studio in the world. Apple eventually bought NeXT and Jobs was back with Apple.

 

“Sometimes life’s going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love.”

 

But finding what you love is only one part of the formula because it is easy to lose your way, lose heart or allow fear to take over.

 

“…for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something…Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

 

But there was one other mantra to which Steve Jobs adhered; four simple words that he would see on the back of “The Whole Earth Catalog” when he was just nineteen:

 

“Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.”

 

But what do those words truly mean?

 

Hunger is what drives a man to hunt.

Hunger is a motivator; it makes us ravenous.

Hunger is the passion that drives us to chase what we desire.

 

When we think of someone that is fully fed, we think of someone sitting back, content, relaxed, laid back and ready to sleep. But a hungry man has drive and desperation for food. What is your food? For what are you hungry? What is that drives and pushes and motivates you?

 

Doing what you love!

 

Foolishness is something we often attribute to youth. “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child” (Proverbs 22:15.)

 

The dictionary defines foolish as:

 

1.         Unwise; silly

2.         Resulting from folly or stupidity

3.         Ridiculous or absurd; not worthy of consideration

4.         Weak-minded; simple

 

So what benefit can there be by staying foolish?

 

Foolishness can also be subjective, a victim of the fear of the majority.

 

When Steve Jobs told his parents he was dropping out of college, like most parents, they would have considered it an act of folly, truly unwise. When he and Steve Wozniak decided to start a computer company in a garage, many people would have considered it foolish, ridiculous or absurd, particularly in 1975 when college and 9-5 jobs were the norm. And in 1986, when he decided to invest ten million dollars to start Pixar animation, many must have thought Jobs weak-minded – the company almost went bust in 1990, and the hit feature “Toy Story” wouldn’t come out for another 5 years!

 

Staying foolish implies taking risks, ignoring the good opinion of other people and sticking to your vision in spite of the criticism or mockery.

 

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

 

Stay hungry! Stay foolish!

 

(The quotes above by Steve Jobs are taken from the 114th Commencement Address to graduating students of Stanford University on June 12, 2005. http://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/stay-hungry-stay-foolish-steve-jobs-stanford-speech-transcript/ )

 

You can comment on this newsletter directly below.

 

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

 

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

 

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

 

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the fear to speak up and reveal what drives it and how to overcome it.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  Protecting your children from you! – Parents often warn their children to be wary of the danger of strangers and yet the majority of emotional and psychological harm done to children is caused by the parents. Watch this interview where I reveal the three things that parents do that truly harm their children emotionally and psychologically. Click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwTrk6LpqK4

 

 

Now, let’s talk about the fear to speak up – what drives it and how to overcome it.

 

Recently, protests have been staged in a number of US cities against Wall St and major corporations as people are beginning to stand up to corporations accusing them of a lack of responsibility and accountability. Interestingly, though, studies reveal that fear is a common element in modern working life; people are afraid to speak up in their job, particularly in large corporations.

 

In 2006, Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson and assistant professor at Smeal College of Business at Penn State University James Detert researched the reasons that employees are afraid to speak up. (“Everyday failures in organizational learning: Explaining the high threshold for speaking up at work.”)

 

Professor Edmondson said that an organization approached them “to better understand why some employees would speak up and others would instead withhold potentially valuable information.”

 

After extensive research, Professors Edmondson and Detert came to conclusions that are easily extracted from everyday relationships:

 

1. Personality – people are afraid to speak up because of personality and individual traits
2. Context – the fear is also driven or worsened by the job setting and the boss’ behavior

 

 

“…employees aren’t failing to provide ideas or input because they’ve “checked out” and just don’t care, but because of fear” says Professor Edmondson.

 

The term “speak up” implies that in our perception, we are speaking to someone higher than us, to a superior or to someone who wields some type of power over us.

 

Noel is married with two young children and is successful in his business but he complained to me of a sense of disillusionment, apathy and depression. When asking him what he truly wants, Noel said that amongst other things, he longs to move out of New York City and live in a quiet rural or less populated area. But he hasn’t spoken with his wife. Why?

Continue reading “The fear to speak up” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the impact a father has on his children and reveal that boys become more masculine when their father hugs them.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  Is he really into you? Is your relationship going to last? – A picture is worth a thousand words. Do you want to know what your boyfriend’s body language says about your relationship? Here’s your chance to get the truth. For a limited time, get the star-studded treatment and the truth about what your and your partner’s body language reveals. Click here: http://patrickwanis.com/body-language-analysis-from-video-photo.asp

 

 

Now, let’s talk about how dads can boost their children’s self-esteem and why it is so critical for a father to hug his son and express affection.

 

“Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later . . . that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could . . . adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life.” – Tom Wolfe, “Bonfire of the vanities.”

 

Tom Wolfe got it right; dads have a huge impact on their children. A loving father who remains actively involved has a positive effect on his child’s social, cognitive and intellectual development and self-esteem.

 

In fact, studies reveal that fathers play a major role in whether or not their children choose to abuse alcohol and drugs. In May 2000, the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA) surveyed 2,000 teens and 1,000 parents and found that teens in two-parent families who have fair to poor relationships with their fathers are 68 percent more likely to smoke, drink and use drugs.

 

In another study, Effects of Family Structure on the Adolescent Separation-Individualism Process, by Susan J. McCurdy, Avraham Scherman 1996, it was revealed that adolescents ages 14 to 19 have higher self-esteem and less depression when they have greater intimacy with their fathers.

Continue reading “Dads, hug your sons” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal a few shocking examples of when medicine and psychology got it really wrong, and the lessons to be learned.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

**** Male fear of commitment – I teach that there are three primary causes of male fear of commitment – fear of loss of identity & individuality, fear of rejection and fear of responsibility. But some men who have been burned tell a different tale:

 

 

 

Now, let’s talk about when medicine and psychology got it really wrong.

 

“Is sex addiction real and why is not recognized as an official mental disorder in the DSM?” a producer asked me as part of a television special – A & E’s Biography Channel “Why Powerful Men Cheat.”

 

The DSM – Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – is published by the American Psychiatric Association; it is the bible of mental disorders and has been revised five times since 1952. The DSM identifies the signs and symptoms of mental disorders but not the underlying causes, and it offers no real solutions or definitions of mental health.

 

Critics, such as psychiatrist Niall McLaren, argue that the DSM lacks validity (it has no relation to an agreed scientific model of mental disorder – for example there is no diagnostic test for schizophrenia) and it lacks reliability (different diagnoses share many criteria, and what appear to be different criteria are simply rewordings of the same idea.)

 

In 1952, the original DSM listed homosexuality as a sociopathic personality disorder. In 1968, DSM II removed homosexuality from the sociopathic list, categorizing it with other sexual deviations. In 1973, the DSM III categorized homosexuality (thoughts, feelings and behaviors) as a problem only when it was dissatisfying to the individual patient.

 

Accordingly, I responded to the TV producers about sex addiction and behaviors by referencing a medical diagnosis that is now being turned into a romantic comedy movie starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Hugh Dancy and Rupert Everett: Female Hysteria.

 

Female Hysteria was a common medical diagnosis widely discussed in the medical literature of the 19th century: a catchall diagnosis for women who were suffering from faintness, nervousness, insomnia, bloating, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and “a tendency to cause trouble.” In 1859, one doctor cataloged 75 pages of possible symptoms of female hysteria.

 

The word hysteria has its origins in “Hustera”, the Greek word for the uterus, and “ia”, a medical suffix for a diseased condition. Simply put, doctors and psychologists believed that women were victims of these physical, mental and emotional symptoms & disorders because there was something wrong with their uterus and organs.

 

How did doctors treat women suffering from Hysteria?

Continue reading “When medicine and psychology got it really wrong” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explain and reveal the ways that ego is not a dirty word.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  Another guru scam artist? – Mahendra Trivedi claims to have the ability to change cancerous cells, stating that he has had “success with advanced cancer” and his marketing materials compare him to Einstein and Jesus Christ. Now people close to Trivedi claim he is a scam artist, a cult leader and a fraud. Penn State University, the only US institution to research Trivedi’s alleged gift and ability found no substance to his claims. “Mahendra Trivedi was tested extensively at the Penn State University’s Materials Research Laboratory on several occasions from June – September 2009, and we did not observe any changes in materials or their properties as a result of his ‘blessings’” wrote Dr. Tania Slawecki. Learn more – including why women form the majority of victims of gurus – by listening to the controversial interview I give to Michele Morrisette from PurQi.com about Trivedi and other gurus:
http://patrickwanis.com/RadioInterviews.asp#guruscultbrainwashing

 

 

 

Now, let’s talk about ego and whether or not it is evil.

 

Recently, I gave an interview to a television special for A & E’s Biography Channel “Why Powerful Men Cheat.” One of the questions posed to me relates to ego and whether or not ego, and specifically overinflated ego, is a primary motivation for cheating.

 

Ego comes from the Latin word for “I” and thus refers to the sum total of everything that you are that separates and distinguishes you from everyone else. We also think of ego as conceit, arrogance and pride.

 

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis believed that the psyche is made up of three constructs:

 

1. Id is our selfish urges: emotional and primitive urges, instant gratification. The Id looks outward, ignores consequences and just wants to feel good.
2. Ego is the ideal: an individual’s view of the kind of person one should strive to become; the conscious mind; the Ego experiences the outside world and reacts to it.
3. Superego is our conscience: our sense of right and wrong; responding to the demands of the social environment, Superego looks inwards.

 

 

The New Age movement believes that ego is the primary cause of our unhappiness because it drives us to be different, to separate ourselves from everyone else and thus leads to isolation, feelings of being disconnected,  separate and alone in the world.

 

But is that true? Is ego such an evil thing? Is it wrong to be different and have your own identity?

 

In the 1970s, Australian band, Skyhooks, had a hit with a song “Ego Is A Not A Dirty Word”

 

If I did not have an ego I would not be here tonight

If I did not have an ego I might not think that I was right

If you did not have an ego you might not care the way you dressed

If you did not have an ego you’d just be like the rest

Continue reading “That evil ego” »

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the way that the fear of making mistakes paralyzes and causes anxiety, depression and the feeling of failure.

 

 

First a quick update:

 

 

****  Kerri–Anne Kennerley TV show Australia – I will be live on Kerri-Anne’s Morning Show Monday September 12, sharing insights about relationships between mothers and daughters, and the impact that dads have on daughters

 

****  MSN.com/Glo.com – look online this week for my responses and revelations about the reasons some men lie, cheat and won’t commit

 

 

Now, let’s talk about not making any mistakes.

 

While visiting Australia I was invited to teach and give a talk to grade 5 and 6 children at Clyde Primary school. The teachers choose the topic “Confidence and Resilience.”

 

Having taught in other schools, it’s quite typical that at the beginning of my talk, the most confident, extroverted and outspoken children will be the first ones to raise their hands to answer a question or give their opinion. But with the desire to get everyone involved, I will, and do put children on the spot; pointing to a child who hasn’t yet raised his or her hand, I ask him or her to standup, tell me his or her name and then answer the question.

 

As you can imagine, some children shudder at this, particularly when facing the fear of the way that their peers might judge or ridicule them. However, by the end of my talk, I ensure that every single child has stood up and answered a question. One teacher expressed her surprise to me that every child had participated – even the ones that don’t usually talk.

 

What is it, though, that is required to give children the confidence to raise their hand or even speak when they are unsure if they have the correct answer?

 

Create the safe place where they feel they can freely speak, express themselves and make a mistake without being mocked, criticized or ridiculed.

 

One child, stood up, paused, fumbled over a few words and then said to me “I don’t know.”

 

‘You do know. You just haven’t thought about it yet.’ I said.

 

He sat down with a slightly perplexed look on his face.

Continue reading “Stop making mistakes” »