Of course, apology accepted!

Anytime something happens that pushes my buttons (i.e. I have an emotional response), I always ask myself “what is it about this that is making me respond this way; what is it about me?” And often I find that the reason I am getting angry (or some other emotion) has nothing to do with the other person, but rather something in me that hasn’t yet been healed – a past painful event, a memory, a belief or some other disappointment.

And let me say this Cher, even “the expert” has to keep working towards self-healing, forgiveness and compassion.So, yes, I focus on being a teacher and a student!

All the best,

Patrick

Thank you for your open and detailed response.

Now let me address your points.

First, I am not writing about nor creating stereotypes. I am writing to people who chose to commit to a relationship and/or commit to a marriage and would like to avoid an affair and betrayal. I don’t see how that is a stereotype. I also mentioned to consider if you want to get married or not; again referring to how people can be different and make their own choices.

You wrote:
“You mentioned that men need to figure out where they are going so a woman will follow. What if the woman doesn’t want to follow or she isn’t a follower? What if where she is going is better than where he wants to go and he would rather follow her?”

I said that a man needs to be clear about the direction of his life before he marries or commits to a relationship. I never said the woman must follow him. Imagine marrying a man who has no idea where he is going in life or what he wants from it; that is a recipe for a disastrous relationship. And then he won’t even be sure about whether or not he has chosen the right partner!

You wrote:
“You also mentioned that men want their woman to look good so keep up your appearance. God, how shallow. No matter how rich a person is and how much money they can spend on skin care and plastic surgery, they are going to age and so will the men. It is not a womans job to spend their life, time and energy on looking good for their man.”

I never mentioned plastic surgery, Botox or any other artificial means to look good? Does your definition of “looking good” imply the woman must stop the process of aging and have lots of plastic surgery? Looking good simply means respecting her body and appearance. I also said “you don’t need to have a perfect body.” Everyone should take care of their body, health and appearance – I never mentioned nor implied to do it to an extreme. Nor did I say that the woman must devote her life, time and energy looking good for the man. Of course, there is much more to a woman than that. You created the stereotype of the woman that looks good must therefore have a perfect body and have plastic surgery. Also, when a woman doesn’t respect her body, eats junk food, never exercises, then that is a reflection that she doesn’t respect her body and she sends the same signal to her children. Why would a woman not want to look after herself? Is that a positive message for her children? Do you dress up when you go on a date? Why? Why do you want to look good ever? Or do you deliberately choose to look bad to test the love of your man? Do you want your partner to look good or look bad – not taking care of his body and health and dressing poorly?

You wrote:
“We have a purpose in life all our own and it has nothing to do with men. We are more than just sexual vessels.”

I never said that a woman’s purpose in life is to live for men. Nor did I say that women are sexual vessels. If you have read my other newsletters, then you will know that I teach to contribute, give back and make a difference – and that applies to men and women. Have you read my success newsletter: “Getting your six needs” https://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/06/30/getting-your-six-needs/

You wrote:

“If men need it so badly, go to a sex shop.”

Are you encouraging men to cheat or use prostitutes? I am trying to encourage men and women to turn to their partner for sexual intimacy and pleasure. You are implying that women don’t want or need sex. That is a stereotype.

You wrote:

“It may not be your fault to bring this to the attention of the public but it is very hurtful to women for any man to perpatuate the need for men to put another knotch on the bed post and expect us to accept it. Gross! Grow up! If your whole life revolves around chasing skirts then that doesn’t say much about you.”

The entire gist of my newsletter is to remain faithful and loyal to your wife (or for women – your husband); I never mentioned sexual conquests and did not mention anywhere conquests – notches on the bed post or chasing skirts. And if you read the beginning of my newsletter, I also mentioned that based on statistics, today, women cheat almost as much as men; so does that mean now that women are also trying to score notches and that they are chasing “pants”?

You also wrote that you do not believe that marriages and relationships are work and you said that “Friendships and love are a natural part of life.” Yes, they are but that doesn’t mean they are easy to maintain. Second, marriage and a relationship involve so much more than “friendship and love” – there is companionship, sex, intimacy, growth, parenting, money and financial responsibilities, etc. I have never heard one person or client ever say to me that their marriage requires no work. Also, friendship and love are not the same as a relationship or marriage; a man’s wife gives birth twice and both times she is in deep post natal depression and cannot look after the kids for two years. Is that easy? A man loses his job and feels down and there are bills to pay and the wife must work extra hours. Is that easy? What about ill health, emotional downs and other life challenges? Ask anyone that has been happily married for many years and they will tell you that yes, they had to both work hard at their marriage.

And if you believe that marriage and relationships are easy, then do you walk away when the relationship becomes hard? That is the mentality of too many people who apply that to every area of their life and then wonder why so little is succeeding in their life.

You also inferred that I said that men should work and women stay at home: I never said nor implied such a thing. I simply said that they should put each other first and men should beware of being lost in their career and women should beware of being lost in their children. And if you think the latter is a sterotype, you are wrong – it is closer to the truth. I know succesful career women who still put their children first.

You wrote:

“We all know what works to keep a relationship healthy and if we don’t, then figure it out before you get into one.”

Who is “we”? Do you truly believe that everyone knows what is required to keep a relationship healthy? If so, then why do so many people divorce? Why are so many people unhappy or complaining about their relationships? Maybe, they feel that it should not be hard work!

You wrote:
“Patrick, if you keep addressing stereotypes, then people will never know that they can be more than what they are cos the thought hasn’t been implanted.”

I told everyone reading this newsletter that they can be more, they can be loving, loyal and fulfilled in a relationship/marriage and; I told them how. That is the thought I “implanted.”

Now, I am curious about why you missed all the other points in my newsletter: choosing the right partner, matching your values with your partners, personalities and temperaments, communication, emotional connection, loyalty, dissolving resentments, avoiding selfishness and entitlement, doing things together, being intimate & open & honest with your partner, giving & receiving, giving your partner what he or she needs, giving praise, support, encouragement, etc. When I write these points, do you thinkg am I writing to stereotypes or even writing bout stereotypes? Not at all.

Now, you were quite open and forthcoming with me, so I would like to be the same with you.

Ask yourself why you are angry with men? Ask yourself why you feel you cannot be you even if that is completely different to everyone else in society?

Who has hurt you, betrayed you or let you down? Who has left you feeling disillusioned about men, relationships and marriage? Who has treated you like “a sexual vessel”? Who or what event has left you feeling cynical about men and love? Who has not given to you?

Look in your heart and see if the real reason I have stirred such emotions in you is because of pain you have experienced in the past.

As I always suggest, forgive; forgive everyone so that you can allow yourself to be loved.

Wishing you only the best – love, joy, success and happiness!

Patrick