Don’t Destroy Your Past When Breaking Up

In this week’s Success Newsletter,

The way we destroy our past good experiences when we break up a relationship.

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalize advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report. 

14 Ways To Escape From A Narcissist or Toxic Relationship

Criticism, contempt, condemnation, stonewalling, silent treatment, defensiveness, manipulation, control and/or any form of abuse – mental, emotional or physical form a toxic relationship. Watch the video 

Now, let’s talk about the way we destroy our past good experiences when we break up a relationship.

It is true for some people breaking up is a tough choice. However, what really makes breaking up hard is the way we respond, feel and are affected by the breakup.

In this article, I’m just going to refer to one aspect of a breakup – how the break-up affects and changes your memories and perceptions of past great experiences.

Take for example the case of Joann. She’s been married for 15 years and is now divorcing because her husband cheated on her. Suddenly, all the great memories that she has have all been instantly transformed into tainted memories, self-doubt, and even a denial that those memories were really good experiences.

Now let’s use the example of Paul. He has just broken up his friendship with Tatiana because her values have changed and he disagrees with the life she’s leading. Again the same thing has happened to him as did with Joann: his good memories have been corrupted and now he can’t imagine those positive past experiences as being real or enjoyable. In fact, in both cases, Paul and Joann become angry or sad when they think about those real memories because they don’t believe them to be real now.

In one sense they are experiencing cognitive dissonance – two conflicting thoughts trying to exist in their mind at the same time.

One thought is that this was a great memory and I had a great time, and the second thought is that this memory can’t be real because this person has now hurt me.

The way that we try to rewrite our history when we break up a relationship is what causes us a lot of pain.

You see, the truth is that the good times are still there. The past hasn’t actually changed. It can’t change. The only thing about the past that can change is your perception of it. And you have two simple choices: 1. to completely destroy all the past good memories that you hold with this person or 2. to recognize that perhaps this person has changed or done something and therefore you can choose to no longer have a relationship with him, but the good memories are still good memories. Fun, love, joy and ecstasy were experienced and that doesn’t change.

Often what occurs in our mind is that we either feel guilty experiencing those good memories, we experience sadness believing we lost those memories, we become angry because we believe we can no longer enjoy those memories, we believe  we don’t deserve to enjoy those memories, we choose to be ‘right’ by refusing to enjoy those memories, or we choose to punish the other person by refusing to enjoy anything associated with him/her.

I concede that it is challenging to let go of a relationship and still hold on to the good times that had been experienced. And yet the truth is the only way that you can experience inner piece is to be willing to hold onto those good memories, and release the other person.

Most of our pain and joy come from the way we interpret the past: do you choose to let go of painful past experiences, and do you choose to hold onto pleasurable past experiences?

If you are going to change and adjust the way you now perceive the past, then it is better to bring wisdom and understanding to past painful events to release the pain and judgments rather than bringing pain and judgment to past pleasurable experiences.

Life consists of moment to moment choices; no one can ever take away your great memories and experiences – except you!

If you need personal help to overcome the past or break free from an unhealthy relationship

– book a one-on-one session with me.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com