Very disturbing as I know that the solution does not magically appear with dissolution of the relationship.

The answer is within. I would love to listen to your CD “getting over it”. How can I acquire that?

Truly,

J.Marie

Dear Carley,
I am sorry that you suffered and were abused.
You are right, knowing why you feel the way you do, does not stop you from feeling it.
However, the knowledge and awareness is step one to healing.
The next step is also to get help to uncover what it is in your subconscious beliefs that you led you to allow this person to treat you this way for such a long time. Why did you allow it to happen to you – for him to treat you this way for so long? What do you subconsciously believe you deserve and deserve to be treated?
There is probably a good chance that you experienced abuse as a child and therefore you have a definition of love that I call “twisted love” – and you probably subconsciously believe you deserve that treatment. With professional help, you can release the emotions and change your belief and thus, be attracted to someone who will love you the way you consciously desire.

it sounds like you have been facing many challenges and if I may humbly add that I feel you are doing the right thing to think first about the safety and welfare of your child. While it is true that a child needs both parents, you also need to ensure that your child is not exposed in any way to drugs (even by just being around a user is dangerous.)

Also, if you being around the father puts you in danger of falling back into drugs, then you must stay away because your child needs a healthy mother.

Bella, please listen to me when I suggest that you also make some time for yourself, to heal and love yourself. It is imperative that you find the source of your pain that led you to drugs, to someone that shared drugs with you. In my experience, I have found that what leads most people to drugs is a route to escape pain (the pain of facing oneself and past hurts) and/or to feel something. Sometimes because we have experienced so much pain in our lives (abuse, betrayal, rejection, abandonment) that we numb ourselves to avoid feeling that pain. And then we get to the place where we are totally numb and we cannot even feel good feelings anymore. For some, wthen they arrive at that place, the only way they know how to feel anything good again (the natural highs) is to use artificial stimulants – artificial highs.

I wish you the best and remain open to help in anyway I can.
Patrick

I am 2 years out of a 3 year relationship with an abuser.

We were doing drugs & alcohol as a way of living and trough that we had a child. I had to runaway to have my child clean (only 2 weeks clean since he was premature). I was at my mom and the father came for the birth but threw a fit in my hospital room the next day my son was born. I was delaying the time I had to go back home as when I wan’t with him, I didn’t even think of doing drugs. When my son was 5 weeks i came back to our home but I was very afraid of what was going to happened. I manage not to use for 9 weeks but then relapse because it was the only way to get intimate with my son’s dad. My chid was taken away 3 weeks later by Children Aid Society.

We tried to stop using and it lasted only 10 days before before we started using regurlarly again. My only choice was to leave. My son was 5 1/2 months when I left. I went to rehab and did whatever Children’s Aid asked in order to get my son back. I had 1 year to do what I did or he was going in adoption. I couldn’t bare the idea of not raising my son.

I got my son back 2 days before is 1st b-day and just won sole custody of my son who by the way is healthy, happy and curious.

I want to do the right thing for my son so despite of the conditions his dad had to fulfill in order to see his son (doing drug screen test every week) I let him see his son this last week-end because I feel guilty that my son is not seeing his dad.
It went pretty well but he goes back in the past and accuses me of old stuff which I asked him to stay in the present, he is nice to our son but still puts me down like before (it use to be his favorite sport), so I asked him not to treat me this way.

The thing is that I’m afraid to fall back under the control of what you were talking “the Stockholm Syndrome” and even though he says he’s not using and his working I dont want go back where I’m coming from.

I’m now 2 years clean and still working on “unrooting” some of his critics towards me and my family.

I want to stand for myself because my son will get influence by this type of behaviour and I dont want him to become like this.

If he keeps going back in the past I might just go back to my hometown where I had decide to go back in the next year but he threathens to make a big case and go to court and even though I’m being a great mom I still get afraid he could take away my son.

Thank You and everybody that writes about there story

Bella

thank you for opening up and sharing such a painful story. In amongst your experiences you have made some insights. And I wish to point out that there are numerous layers to the challenges and questions you raised. With regards to “how can people become so awful?” I would like to invite you to listen to a lengthy and detailed interview and discussion with friend and colleague Professor Emeritus of Psychology at Stanford University Philip Zimbardo who led the landmark 1971 Stanford Prison experiment which foretold and paralleled most of the torture that was to occur at Abu Ghraib Prison in Iraq. You can listen to it at https://patrickwanis.com/blog/RadioInterviews.asp#TheEvil

I think you understand quite clearly that you choose to be a workaholic as a way to avoid and escape facing your own pain and sense of helplessness and hopelessness. I teach and promote that it is important that we focus on contributing to others but there must be a balance. I always promote balance. You are doing so much for others but what are you doing for you? You are giving so much to others but what are you giving to you? Do you subconsciously feel and believe that you deserve better, that you deserve love, respect and kindess?

There can be things that happened as a child that you have repressed or suppressed. There can be beliefs that you took on at a subconscious level as a child that led you to these circumstances. That does not mean that you are too blame. No. Rather, it means that yes, you can be set free from those old beliefs so that you can receive all the wonderful things that life has to offer and the things that your heart (not your head) desires.

You said, “I have also taken various courses and became a certified hypnotherapist, certified Reiki master, certified acupuncturist, etc. but all of it barely helps me overcome the repeated pains form various men.” And thus you now know the truth, the certification in any discipline or healing or therapy will never heal you. The healing comes not from the study but from the experience. I say this with humility for I can attest to the fact that my certification and studies and research in Hypnotherapy did not heal me. The healing comes from an exploration and journey into you and your deeper beliefs and consciousness. This is often best done with the right guide such as a therapist.

You also wrote: “Can one really be able to bypass such past negative experiences when they have been so awful??? How could I ever open my heart??? and trust???”

Marie, the answer is yes. Yes, you can be set free from the pain. Yes, you can be set free from the negative beliefs. yes, you can be set free to open your heart again and trust again. I have done this with many of my clients. They can attest to how their lives and world have changed.

May I humbly invite you to listen to some of my interviews about the Law of Deservedness at https://patrickwanis.com/blog/RadioInterviews.asp#Law

Also, please understand that very few people particularly Hypnotherapists understand the real process of healing. I say this because it was not my years of official and formal studies that taught me what I now know or the process that I have created that works so well with my clients. It was years of working with clients and working on myself that also helped me to awaken to the need of including a key aspect of healing which involves acknowledging, accepting and then releasing the deeper subconscious feelings and pain. It is amazing to hear from so many of my clients who say to me “I have been in therapy for years but never got this help…I attended intensive seminars and never realized that I hadn’t cleared this issue till now…I thought I had done the inner child work…I thought I had forgiven that person and didn’t realize till now how much hatred I stil had for him/her…etc.”

Marie, I say the above in the sincere desire to give you hope and reassure you that yes, you can be set free – but with only one pre-condition; are you willing and ready?

All the best,
Patrick

Your message was right on target yet, I do not believe that all people suffer of a bad background. I also believe that some people come from naive environment and would not even phantom the type of challenges that I was put through.

Overcoming numerous repeated past abusive relationships has been hard and is still not done for me. So, yes, like the previous message, I am still a boat that can’t anchor although in amazing shape and being in a very desirable position financially, professionally, physically, etc.

Attempting to overcome incidents (like being a tied-up and heavily injurred witness to the killings of gorgeous innocent children) with prayers and visualization has not yet allowed me to open my heart and evade away from my workachoolic tendencies.

Even after driving me to the ER post one of my beatings, a priest opted on the side of the abuser in Court as he was family-related to the abuser and they are all still supporting the mafia. So, not only did I loose my boyfriend at the time, I also lost my home, religion, job (as he finally injurred a peace officer that worked with me and the environment), professional, name and country. Remaining in my country with my friends became too dangerous as even under parole, my boyfriend tried to kill my parents in public in front of me. I barely was able to save their lives and decided to start over a new life so, their lives would never, ever be threatened again. I love my parents very much but, I made a mistake in believing previously in prince charming and have seen many pay heavily upon the years I wasted with him.

I am now able to help kids, families, governments and communities and have raised to be within a small percentile of individuals worldwide. Yet, it is extremely hard for me to believe and even want to take a chance in opening my heart as I would never want people around me to experience the same level of injuries and painful deaths than they did before.

Many may wonder if I have received assistance so, yes, I have seeked professionnals but, the pain is really hard to overcome. I have also taken various courses and became a certified hypnotherapist, certified Reiki master, certified acupuncturist, etc. but all of it barely helps me overcome the repeated pains form various men.

I believe that my volunteer work is my way to prevent against such repeated experiences so, I spend lots of time, resources and money supporting over 37 charities yearly. Can one really be able to bypass such past negative experiences when they have been so awful??? How could I ever open my heart??? and trust???

Fortunately, i am fairly successful as I typically work around the clock – to the exception of the time I spend traveling for work and volunteering. I would like to understand how can people become so awful?
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All the best,
Patrick