Comments on: How Special Are You?

By: Patrick Wanis

Patrick Wanis — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 16:43:41 +0000

Dear Margaret,

you truly have lived a full life so far – from the farm to raising children.

Yes, moderation and balance are key components of happiness and peace of mind.
You asked: “why do the likes of us get a kick in the teeth for being so capable and good and patient, and wind up having to myself file for a divorce–the last word I ever wanted to hear–I loved deeply and waited forever!”

The answer is in the words of your priest and bosses – you were so hard on yourself. When you are so hard, critical and judgmental of yourself, then you wil create a subconscious belief that you are not good enough and never good enough and then you will allow others to treat you poorly because you don’t yet realize that you deserve to be loved and treated well.

If I may share this with you: treat yourself the way you want others to treat you! (Reverse of treat others the way you want to be treated.)
Also, given that you are religious, then please consider the words and teaching (command actually) of Christ: “Love thy neighbor as thy self.”
Do you understand that command Margaret?

Jesus is saying love your neighbor the way you love yourself – be kind to your neighbor the way you are kind to yourself, be patient with your neighbor the way you are patient with yourself. In other words, you must love yourself so you can love others.

Begin with yourself; love yourself!

All the best,
Patrick

By: Margaret Hynes

Margaret Hynes — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 15:49:36 +0000

Patrick, I find your newsletters or whatever you call them very inspiring; I am responding to this one because, my problem has always been that I didn’t have enough self-esteem. Of course, being born on a big farm in Ireland Christmas 1939 (WWII) still on–we had to “toe the line,” work like slaves, got very little reward, certainly lacked enormously the very prevalent nowadays of making ourselves beautiful or enhanced in any way. I had a lazy eye, which, gratefully, my mother sent me to The Eye & Ear Hospital in Dublin to have rectified, it improved my appearance somewhat I suppose, but we barely had a 6-penny shampoo for our hairs if we were going to a dance and that wasn’t allowed too often, and not until we were 18 years old. My priest told me that I was “puritannical” in Confession once, and all my bosses said they’d never be as hard on me as I was on myself. Yet, I had a very bad marriage (abused physically, psychologically and financially, and did my damndest to make it work for 25 years, had 4 children inside of 6 years, and worked constantly and long hours, worked at home, knitted and made things out of very little, loved music but couldn’t afford to learn the piano until I was 21 and still yearn to learn it better. I could write a book indeed, but I was too tolerant, and my boss also said I was “too devoted,” but why do the likes of us get a kick in the teeth for being so capable and good and patient, and wind up having to myself file for a divorce–the last word I ever wanted to hear–I loved deeply and waited forever! Yes, there are extremes in everything and moderation is the best bet I imagine–I know–in everything!

By: Patrick Wanis

Patrick Wanis — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 05:38:20 +0000

In reply to Sagaren Pillay.

Dear Sagaren,
thanks for your open comments.
You and I are saying some of the same things – as I said in my article/newsletter – narcissism includes deep insecurities and I said that children’s esteem is impacted by both extremes – criticism (lack of love) and artificial love, artificial praise and entitlement.

Why would you praise someone that has “not done anything to deserve it”? What lesson are you teaching that person? What does the word praise mean? Why do you praise or even thank someone that has done something positive in your life? Even when you are praising someone’s qualities, you are praising something tangible -a quality that has been expressed or demonstrated.

Yes, we are all born equal but we do not “stay that way all our lives” – it depends what we do with our lives – the contribution we make and the love we express. Do you believe that a murderer is equal to Mother Teresa? They were both born equal but made choices about how to live and what to give. If our self-worth is not at all attached to our achievements, then on what does it depend? And I am not saying that it only depends on achievements. However, achievements can include anything that we have done to make this a better world – giving birth, being a parent, loving someone, contributing something positive. Striving to achieve does not imply nor entail greed, destruction, arrogance or a lack of cooperation.

Can you truly say that Paris Hilton, Gandi and Hitler are all equal? They were born equal but their choices determined their worth and contribution in this world.

Based on your argument, I should not have to cooperate or help each other because “we are all born equal and stay that way all our lives” and therefore whatever I do or fail to do is completely irrelevant. I do not believe that is a good way to raise children, nor is it a good lesson for children.

Imagine the world we would and could create if we were to teach children that their self-worth is directly attached to the proportion of love and contribution they make to this world. Then, and only then, would we create people intent on helping and loving each other rather than taking from each other.

The entire reason so many celebrities are narcissists is because they feel entitled – they believe they have a right to everything without giving anything back. Tiger Woods admitted in his press conference that it was entitlement that led him to cheat on his wife.

Finally, why do you think that we are so deeply moved by people who express humility and gratitude? If we are to believe that we have a right to everything because we deserve praise for doing nothing, then we would never know gratitude and would live only with bitterness and entitlement.

All the best,
Patrick

By: Sagaren Pillay

Sagaren Pillay — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 05:06:40 +0000

Patrick, I disagree that narcissists are created by praising children when they have not done anything to deserve it. In my experience people with low self esteem and those with inflated self esteem are both sides of the same coin.
The narcissistic personality develops as an overcompensation for the lack of approval and acceptance in childhood. It is a desire to gain love that was not shown. I am one of those New Age types that believes we are all born equal and stay that way all our lives. Children need to learn that self worth does not depend on achievements. Feeling equal and creating a society where we cooperate and help each other is how we can fix this problem.