If He Loved Me, He would Know What I Want/Need

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to debunk the myth “If he loved me, he would know what I want” and explain the significance of asking for what you want in a relationship.

First a quick update:

“The difference between the male and female brains”
There are 6 areas of key differences between the way men and women respond and behave in relationships based on the brain differences. Listen to the enlightening interview with colleague Dr. Robert Holmes:

Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

Now, let’s talk about and debunk the myth “If he loved me, he would know what I want” and explain the significance of asking for what you want in a relationship.

Have you ever met someone with whom you felt an instant bond, as if you knew each other for life or as if you were twins?

Perhaps you were even finishing each other’s sentences?

“We had gradually acquired the unmistakable air of old-love: finishing each other’s sentences and speaking to each other with an offhand, presuming intimacy that was eventually noticed.” ― Kate Kerrigan from the book, The Miracle of Grace

Of course, most of us dream of that perfect partner – the one who knows us without us saying a word – they know exactly what we are thinking and feeling in every moment; they know exactly what we need in that moment.

What most people fail to realize is that the inexplicable bond, affinity and understanding usually takes years to develop.

In a comical scene from the TV show “Arrested Development”, Michael (played by Jason Bateman) is telling his twin sister Lindsay (played by Portia De Rossi) about the new woman, Nellie, whom he has hired at the company.

Michael: [about Nellie] She’s different [to you.] She’s a little bit more like me. It’s like we finish each other’s…

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Sandwiches?

Michael: Sentences. Why would I say…

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Sandwiches?

Michael: That time, I was going to say sandwiches.

Michael thinks he truly knows Nellie because he says they finish each other’s sentences, but, he doesn’t yet know she is actually a prostitute and has developed a skill of rapport building – and of flattering and charming men.

The point here is that although we can have a lot in common with someone and they usually end up being one of our best friends, when it comes to romance and committed relationships, it takes time for the relationship to build to the point where both partners truly understand each other and can know what the other person needs and feels.

And how do we become best friends with anyone?

We tell them everything; we tell them the truth about what we feel, what we think. We are open and vulnerable, and; we ask for what we want. We release the fear of speaking our truth and being real around them.

Please note, too, that there is also a difference between knowing what a person is feeling and, next knowing what they actually need in response to what they are feeling.

For example, you might recognize that your partner is feeling angry, but what do they need? Do they need to vent, do they need compassion, do they need time alone or do they need a solution?

Most men typically respond to a woman’s emotions by offering advice – trying to fix or solve the problem. This is explained by differences between the brains of men and women. Listen to the interview with Dr. Robert Holmes.

So there are two steps here:

1. What is the person feeling?
2. What does the person need?

Again, as stated in the beginning of this article, most of us believe true love is defined by our partner knowing everything we feel and everything we need.

“If he really loved me, then he would know what I need; he would know I need to be (hugged, held, listened to, left alone, etc) and that when I feel (sad, angry, afraid, etc) I need (support, validation, reassurance, compassion, a solution or whatever it is that you truly need.)”

As shocking as it might be to hear and read the following: men are not psychic.

Neither are women.

If you want your partner to know what you feel, then tell him/her.

If you want your partner to meet your needs, then tell him/her what those needs are.

If you want your partner to know how to respond to particular and specific emotions you experience, then tell him/her.

A client recently expressed frustration at his brother saying “He expresses anger about our dad and what dad did to him and I told him ‘You want me to agree with you and be angry at dad for you.’”

Unfortunately, the brother wasn’t good at expressing himself; I explained to my client that his brother may have been looking for validation for the pain or disappointment he felt and experienced or, most likely, he was actually looking for compassion and understanding over what he experienced with his dad.

Another client expressed to me her disappointment and disillusion over the fact that her boyfriend wasn’t giving her what she needed.

Of course, she hadn’t told him yet exactly what she needed.

“True love and a successful relationship are not defined by whether or not your partner is psychic and automatically knows what you want; true love and a successful relationship are defined by you asking for what you want and then experiencing your partner giving it to you”, I explained to her.

In other words, you will only know if your partner truly loves you or not, by whether or not he is willing to give you what you need and want.

Of course, your partner might not be able to meet your needs or give you what you want, and then you can choose what to do next. Also, after you have asked for what you need and want, ensure that you are open to receiving. Be a good receiver – allow yourself to be loved!

Also learn more about how to ask for what you want by reading my articles, “Finding your voice and speaking up” and “3 Obstacles that ruin relationships”.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com