Cheers,
Danielle

Dear Sailor,

Thanks for being so open and relating your story and for being open and honest about what you feel and what has been happening.
As a man, we both understand that too often we attach our value to our jobs and money – we want to be able to provide. So, yes, the challenges you have faced with work, career and money would have left you feeling down.

It also seems to me that you are very hard on yourself and you feel as if you are not good enough which is not true.

Here are some suggestions and observations:

1. there is resentment and frustration in the relationship – you resenting the fact that she had to pay for you and she resenting it also.
2. You must talk about the above (point no.1) so that you can both let go of the resentment otherwise that alone will kill your relationship and the love you have for each other.
3. Speak openly with her about how you feel – don’t blame anyone – just say how you feel i.e. “I feel stupid and weak that I had to ask you for money or depend on your for money.”
4. It’s natural that when we feel stressed out or down, we cannot or at least, find it hard to be humorous – so forgive yourself for that
5. Speak to her about the incident where she spoke about the toilet seat “in front of friends (with a slight smile) “; tell her how you feel – don’t blame. Instead say “when you spoke about such and such, I felt such and such.” Also, ask questions, “I was confused, I wasn’t sure whether your were being humorous or if there was another intention. What was your intention with that comment?”
If you feel that it is not something you would want her to do again in public, then say so – but do so gently yet firmly.

Finally, one key question, do you feel that she is trying to be your mother and trying to control you – telling you how to act, dress and behave and paying for you?

All the best,
Patrick

But ironically the toilet seat thing HAS come up!! Now I always leave it shut as I’m a bit of a clean freak/feng sui obsessive, so to me it’s just tidier!! I’ve left it up on a few ocassions where i’ve simply “forgot” or got a bit agitated by holding it up as it doesn’t stay up without force (which is a skill and i really look manly like in urinals!!) but she’s brought it up in front of friends (with a slight smile) and i’ve reacted defensively saying all of the above about forgetting, i’m a man and that i usually do put it down. Now I probably should’ve joked about it and feel I failed this test by her, but because of my underlying negativity I guess I took it too seriously, especially with all of the above teething issues with us and my general anxieties floating around at the moment. Thing is we’re still together now and I know arguments will always happen, but to blow them up like this makes me feel bad and I feel I have to be the apologetic one (especially when incompatibility pops into the equation). By the way, she’s a little older than me too but am I being immature by flooding my personal failings in at the moment and blurring my rational/humorous thinking?? Surely letting her in is intimacy?? Regardless of leaving the seat up occasionally. But as a man, I’m NEVER going to sit down to number 1!! That’s just plain ridicule!! (It actually overflows through the seat due to the angle of dangle anyway, girls).

As I read your article I slowly developed an image of a bitter, never satisfied, single, forty something year old woman. My imaginary woman was all of the above because every guy displayed from time to time, one of these habits, and she was never going to find her “dream man”. Anyways, I found it ammusing where my mind took me. As a Jared already mentioned I think that you are reading a little too deep into some of these habits. But, with that being said, I can not stand the fact that my room mate leaves HIS dishes in the sink until I end up taking care of them. I consider that pretty inconsiderate!