Are women meant to enjoy sex?
Why are so many women having a challenge enjoying sex? And are they even meant to enjoy sex?
Surveys reveal that at least fifteen per cent of women never experience orgasm—and many more women fake it. Few women feel good about their bodies. Society and religion generally deny or blatantly condemn a woman’s right to sexual pleasure. One in three women have been molested as children and as adults complain of feeling like damaged goods or feeling dirty – plagued by guilt and shame regarding sex.
Our attitudes, beliefs and ultimately our enjoyment of sex and our body are determined by what we learned and experienced as children. The inability for most women to enjoy sex and their body is the result of:
- Negative sexual experiences as a child or adult
- Condemnatory teachings by religion and society towards sex and the female body
- Denial of sexual pleasure expressed by parents or adult caregivers
How male-dominated societies control women
There are many religions and cultures that teach that women are not meant (or allowed) to enjoy sex or even their bodies. I lived in West Africa for a couple of years and studied the history and origins of female circumcision and infibulations. Circumcision involves cutting or removing the clitoris while infibulation is the practice for young, unmarried girls of the surgical closure of the female labia majora by sewing them together to seal off the female genitalia, leaving only a small hole for the passage of urine and menstrual blood. Once married, the stitches would be undone, allowing the woman to engage in intercourse.
Although there are conflicting theories about the original intention behind these practices, history reveals that these practices began in Ancient Egypt with the removal or splitting of the hood surrounding the clitoris. (Evidence found dating to 5th century BC.) Later, it spread throughout the Northern parts of Africa with Arab slave traders and developed into various forms of female circumcision and infibulation, including the removal of the clitoris. The UN and the World Health Organization call it “female genital mutilation” and it still occurs today in various countries and cultures around the world. This practice transcends religion and culture and there has even been one documented case in the US. [Update: Two doctors and the wife of one of the doctors in Michigan were charged in 2017 with performing female genital mutilation on two 7-year-old girls. Prosecutors estimate up to 100 girls were cut during a 12-year period.]
It appears that the primary purpose behind this practice is a desire to control women’s sexuality – her virginity, morality and marriageability. In some cultures, the woman has greater marriage prospects when she is a virgin and her family may receive a higher dowry or “brideprice” payment. Also circumcised and virgin slaves sold for a high price. There is also a belief that circumcising the woman would lower her sexual desire and thus prevent her from sleeping with men outside the marriage. The intention was to protect property rights, inheritance and the bloodline or male family name. After all, if a married woman slept with another man and became pregnant then that could spell the end of the male family name or it could mean that the husband might be handing down his property to the wrong person.
Whatever the origin of these practices might be, it is clear that they have grown into a much larger global attempt to control women, their sexual desire and their ability to experience sexual pleasure.
It is not just the primitive cultures of religions that set out to control women. The Western world adopted the metal chastity belt as a way to stop women from either masturbating or having sex. And remember, these girls or women did not consent to wearing them nor did they have a way to remove them since the chastity belt had a padlock and someone else had the key.
Thus, it is clear that the male-dominated world, regardless of culture or religion, thought it best to control the woman, make her subservient to men, lower her sex drive and deny her pleasure from her body or sex. Religion further promoted this intention by teaching that sex is only designed for reproduction and is not to be enjoyed, at least not by the woman. In my book, “Finding God’, I explain that ”Many theologians condemned women as inferior and put them all in the same basket as Eve, yet the Devil or Satan is depicted as male. Yet again we are told that Satan was once an angel and angels do not have a gender. Surprisingly, the theologians Tertullian “father of the Western Church” (160-220 AD) and Augustine both castigated all women as evil temptresses, an eternal danger to mankind, and yet it was Satan who allegedly was the first to rebel against God.”
Has anything changed?
Even today, in our male-dominated society, music, media and even fashion are geared primarily towards the pleasure of the man – not the woman:
- Hip-hop music says that the woman who has numerous sexual partners is a “ho” (whore) but the man who conquers many women is to be idolized as powerful – a stud or pimp. It also promotes the concept that the female is designed to please, serve and satisfy the male.
- Music videos portray the successful or ideal man as one who is surrounded, adorned served and worshipped by lots of beautiful women
- Fashion is designed to make the woman visually pleasing to the man (remember, most of the fashion designers are male)
- Adult movies that promote girl-on-girl are intended to please male fantasies
- The media markets the perfect female body as something that all women should aspire to be in order to please the man
Sadly, too many women have fallen prey to this sales pitch which is simply lies and propaganda and which serves only to empower men and disempower and control women by telling them they are not good enough or that they are not meant to feel good or enjoy their body or sex – unless, of course, they are pleasing and serving the man.
Overcoming guilt
Unfortunately, even mothers have taught their daughters that there is something wrong with the female body or that nudity and sex are bad and evil. When combined with negative sexual experiences or parents who were too afraid or uncomfortable to speak about sex and its potential pleasure and benefits, the result is that many women today experience:
- Guilt or shame
- Feeling dirty or like “damaged goods”
- The inability to climax
- Crying after sex
- Low self-esteem
- Poor self-confidence
- Negative sexual experiences
- Fear and anxiety of physical intimacy
- Inability to receive pleasure during sex
- Feeling that their body is ugly or nakedness is bad or evil
- Inability to trust or let go during lovemaking
The truth – and a possible solution
In my desire to help empower women, I created a hypnosis audio program to reveal the truth and help change the way women feel and perceive themselves, their body and sex. Here’s an excerpt from Enjoy Sex – hypnosis for guilt-free great sex:
“People in the past may have kept the truth from you for their own reasons. Now the truth is out. You are a divine creation. The female body in all of its shapes and sizes is beautiful. The female body is powerful. It creates and brings forth into the world sons and daughters. The female body offers love and nourishment. The female body has the capacity for pleasure. It was designed for procreation, enjoyment and pleasure. The clitoris has more nerve endings on it than any other part of the body. It is the most sensitive part of the female body. The clitoris was designed only for pleasure – it serves no direct purpose in procreation. And if it was designed for pleasure, then sex was made to be enjoyed. Yes, other people in the past may have spoken out of fear, but the female is allowed to enjoy sex and her body, enjoy her body and sex. Every part of the female body is clean, beautiful and magical. Every part of the female body is connected and is one. It is whole. Every part of you was created perfectly.”
A woman’s body is designed for pleasure
The clitoris is the only part of human anatomy that was designed purely for pleasure. A woman can have a clitoral orgasm without it being directly tied to reproduction. She does not need to have a clitoral or vaginal orgasm to become pregnant but when a man has an orgasm he releases semen which is designed only for reproduction. In other words, unlike the male body, the female body was designed to experience pleasure separate from the process of reproduction.
The future
It is time for us to evolve to a level of genuine equality and freedom of self-expression whereby we no longer fear the potential of either gender but rather embrace it. I promote to all women that you focus on reprogramming all the negative conditioning surrounding sex and the female body, release guilt, and begin to love yourself and your body, so that you can be set free to enjoy sex and to feel good when you have sex, great sex -for you deserve the best and you deserve to enjoy the pleasurable feelings of sex.
“And inside every woman is a goddess, both beautiful and powerful, capable of overcoming all challenges and enjoying life to its fullest. Inside you is a goddess. And now you are free to joyfully express all of you – mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually.” – Enjoy Sex – Hypnosis for guilt-free great sex…for women © WOW Media by Patrick Wanis
Originally published in RU Magazine, June 2007
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.