Machismo: Love is not about who has control
Love is patient, love is kind, and, at times, blind. One second you’re getting to know a guy, next thing you know you’re in love and in a relationship, until it finally dawns on you: Wait a second, this dude is kind of a machista.
“A machista is a man who demonstrates negative masculine qualities,” says human behavior expert, relationship expert, and psychotherapist Dr. Patrick Wanis. “He is primarily seen as violent, aggressive, highly competitive, and demonstrates irrational behavior as well as an attitude of superiority and dominance towards women and even children.”
“He believes men are superior and women exist to serve them, runs the home and the relationship, and he believes that you’re there to please and service him. And, you’re replaceable if he gets tired of you, and that you’re his property,” says dating and relationship coach Rosalind Sedacca.
Being with a machista can set you up for being in a relationship that’s unhealthy and abusive.
“You’re never going to have the freedom to fully express yourself,” says Wanis, “You’re going to be walking around with fear and the extreme form of machista often leads to domestic violence and abuse.”
A machista subscribes to the concept of Machismo – primarily associated with Hispanic and Latin cultures. Machismo refers to a strong, exaggerated sense of masculine pride and dominance. “Historically, machismo has defined rigid gender roles, with men expected to be dominant and women relegated to submissive, domestic roles.”
Problem is, if you’re too caught up in the relationship, it might be hard to see the red flags.
Here are a few signs you’re dating a machista man
1. A machista doesn’t like when you socialize or hang out with your friends. If he’s throwing a fit every time you plan to get together with friends, that’s a problem. “He’s controlling and feels he has a right to dominate your activities,” says Sedacca. “He’s very insecure and feels control is the only way to ‘keep you.’”
2. A machista is constantly accusing you of cheating. A man who is constantly accusing you of cheating is either really insecure and afraid of losing you or might just be cheating himself. “He’s probably projecting. Projecting means ‘I’m accusing you of doing something I’m actually doing, which I refuse to accept about myself’,” says Wanis. “he’s actually accusing you of cheating so he doesn’t think about his own cheating or so that he can justify to himself the fact that he is cheating.”
3. A machista tries to control how you look and dress. It might come out as protective, but a man who tries to control how you dress, do your hair and makeup, or even carry yourself, has serious control issues. “He’s extremely insecure and therefore jealous and that’s why he’s trying to control you,” says Wanis. “He’s afraid if you look hot and sexy that other men are going to be looking at you and that you might go away with them.”
4. A machista blames you for every argument. Watch out for a dude who turns the tables on you during every single argument. “If your man is always blaming you for every argument, it means first that he’s playing the victim,” says Wanis. “Second, it means that he refuses to take responsibility for his actions and the role he plays in your relationship.” It’s also a dangerous way of manipulating you into staying in the relationship. “Blaming is a mind-game he plays and an excuse for his abusive behavior,” says Sedacca.
5. A machista expects you to be the one to always clean and cook. This could be his way of letting you know what he believes your “role” in this relationship should be. That you are not his equal but his property. “It’s a way of demeaning you and keeping you in your “place” says Sedacca.
6. A machista can’t handle it if you make more money than him: “There are men today who feel threatened by women who are making more money and have more career success,” says Wanis. “It means that men are also being challenged today to redefine themselves.” With that said, him not being comfortable with you making more money is a sign of his own insecurities.
If you recognize these signs in your relationship and need guidance, consider private therapy sessions with Dr. Patrick Wanis. With his expertise in human behavior and relationships, he can help you navigate emotional challenges, rebuild self-worth, overcome the pain, and create healthier connections. Book a session today and take the first step toward empowerment and healing.
NB. This article was published August 17, 2016, on Vivala, which no longer exists. It is archived here for research purposes.
Further below is the related article by the same author Johanna Ferreria: What My Non-Machista Dominican Dad Taught Me About Relationships
Machista And Machismo – The Latin Connection
- Origins and Evolution of Machismo:
The term “macho” first appeared in U.S. English in 1928, initially describing American marines in Nicaragua, not Latina/os. By the 1940s, “machismo” began to be associated with Mexican American masculinity, often framed as hyper-aggressive or pathological.
Mexican intellectuals like Samuel Ramos and Octavio Paz played a significant role in shaping early interpretations of machismo, linking it to themes of national inferiority, solitude, and aggression.
- Social Scientific Machismo Model:
Euro-American social scientists in the mid-20th century adopted and expanded the concept, portraying machismo as a dominant, often negative, trait in Latina/o families. This model was used to pathologize Latina/o culture, contrasting it with idealized white, modern gender roles.
Critics like Oscar Lewis and Joseph Mayone Stycos later contested this model, offering nuanced views, but their critiques were often overlooked in favor of the hegemonic narrative.
- Latina/o Activism and Nationalist Machismo:
During the 1960s and 1970s, Chicano and Puerto Rican activists reinterpreted machismo as a source of pride and revolutionary strength. Figures like Rodolfo “Corky” Gonzales linked machismo to courage, honor, and resistance.
However, this nationalist machismo was also critiqued by Chicana feminists and groups like the Young Lords, who rejected its patriarchal and oppressive dimensions, advocating for gender equality and redefining machismo to include tenderness and solidarity.
Source: Machismo(s): A Cultural History, 1928 – 1984 by Erik Morales
What My Non-Machista Dominican Dad Taught Me About Relationships
My parents have been married for over 30 years now. I’ve always admired their relationship and at a young age recognized how much these two really loved each other. They are literally like two peas in a pod. In fact, it’s practically impossible to separate them. While they do believe in having healthy boundaries and doing things on their own, a lot of the things they enjoy doing like dining out, seeing Broadway shows, watching old movies, hanging on Long Island, or taking nature walks, they would much rather do together.
Marriage and relationships are not like what you see in the movies. While most of us say we understand that, we don’t really understand that until shit gets real. My parents do, though. As beautiful as their marriage has been, it hasn’t always been a walk in the park. It’s hard work. The difference is they’ve always loved each other enough to put in the work. But I have to agree with my abuelita on one thing: I do believe that Papi’s gentle and non-machista nature has played a huge role in the success of their relationship. Life is a lot easier when you don’t have to deal with machismo. It’s for this reason a lot of Dominican men get a bad rep, but because Papi has always been different, it has set the tone for the relationship. It also made me realize the kind of man I would ultimately want to settle down with.
For starters, Papi doesn’t raise his voice at Mami — like ever! In fact, in the 30 years I’ve been on this planet I have never seen my dad raise his finger or his voice at my mother. Sure, he’d get upset and they’d have their arguments. But if he ever felt a temper coming on, he knew better to calmly walk away and revisit the conversation later, rather than disrespect my mother. He set the tone, and as a result she’s never raised her voice or finger at him either.
He’s never put her down, told her what to do, or ever tried to control her. My dad has always loved, embraced and appreciated my mother for exactly who she is. If you were to ask him what he loves most about my mom, he could probably write you a book. And listen, I’m sure my mom has had her flaws as a wife. But those little flaws mean nothing when he looks at the broader scope of things and her feelings for him have always been mutual.
I remember growing up always hearing my Latina friends talk about their fathers like they were dictators. They’d tell me how their dads expected to be served a huge plate of food by dinner time, but would never help their moms with the dishes. How they had no interest in sharing domestic responsibilities or would stay out late with friends. Not my dad.
Until this day Papi has no problem splitting chores with mom. The only thing he hasn’t been able to master is cooking, but he can make one hell of a sancocho that he practically prepares all winter long. Oh, and did I mention he makes Mami breakfast every single morning? If Mom cooks, Dad cleans the kitchen. If Mom needs to do the groceries, Dad helps her unload and put everything away, and that’s just how it’s always been with them two.
As a result, my relationship standards have always been high and continue to be. I need a man who loves and respects me for me. Not someone who is going to try to change me or manipulate me into being who he thinks I should be. I need a gentle man who recognizes the importance of constantly working at a relationship, that’s going to be there with me through the good times and the bad times. I also need a man who respects and admires my dreams, my aspirations, my independence and feminist attitude.
I am extremely fortunate to have the father that I have. He isn’t just a great spouse to my mother, but has always been a kind, gentle, and understanding man that I could go to at any time for advice. I don’t know if he realizes it but he has helped lay down the foundation for the kind of relationship I hope to one day have. I will always be eternally grateful for the wonderful example and the amazing lessons he has taught me about life, love, and relationships.
Patrick Wanis, PhD, is a renowned relationship and behavioral expert with over 25 years of experience. Creator of SRTT Therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique), he specializes in resolving root causes of trauma and other conditions without reliving pain or retraumatization. He has developed various psychological assessments on emotional intelligence, relationships, self-sabotage, and authenticity, and serves diverse clients from celebrities to teens. A trusted media source, Global media including CNN, BBC, FOX News turn to Wanis for insights into relationships, sexuality, human motivation, trauma, communication, body language, and persuasion.