We stay at Level 1 and 2 of the 7 levels of intimacy because we fear the third level of Intimacy. If people really knew me, all of me, they would reject me and wouldn’t love me. Therefore, I will hide my real self or pretend to be what I believe they want me to be so that they can accept me and love me.’
We have all been experiencing threats to our security and stability for many years now. And the threats just seem to have been ramping up: terrorism, followed by political and social divisions and polarization, violent protests, natural disasters (fires, tornadoes, droughts, floods and climate change), the pandemic entering its third year, and next the variants.
You know that you are pursuing something and doing something of value when you are willing to experience the adversity. In other words, you believe the adversity is something you accept and even embrace…the adversity, the pain, and the struggle are all smaller than your goal or purpose.
We have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints; we have bigger houses and smaller families. And here is the link to Thanksgiving…
Remember that self-criticism and comparison with others do not lead to motivation or inspiration. There is a difference between self-esteem and self-compassion; self-esteem involves constantly comparing yourself to others.
“Well, it’s their fault for abandoning and abusing me. It is their fault for my pain and misery. Can’t you see I am the victim here? I didn’t choose this!”
‘You are right: They created the pain, and I deeply regret that it happened and that you were hurt and abused. And when you were a child…
Some intimacy anorexics use their anger, rage and outbursts to control you by scaring you and making you feel unsafe…Alternatively, they punish you with silence, and for long periods. This is also referred to as stonewalling…
If I don’t agree with something you do or something you say, does that automatically imply that I hate you or that I fear you? And if I love you, does that also mean that therefore I must agree with everything you say or do? And you, if you love me, must you also agree with everything I say and do?
Like me, you believe you are a good, decent, honest, smart, kind, and lovable person. And when someone reveals your mistakes, it creates awful discomfort. “If I am guilty of what she accuses me of, then I must be a bad person. Now, I feel worse; I don’t feel worthy; my self-esteem has been shattered; I am not who I thought I was…I must be stupid…I am worthless.”
John is an example of an immature man who wants to remain a child and expects others to take care of him and be responsible for his success and happiness in life. With his response, he paralyzes himself and remains powerless, just like a child.