In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal 2 lies that negatively affect life, love and relationships, starting with 1 of 2 huge lies: I hate or fear you because I don’t agree with you.
First a quick update:
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Now, let’s talk about 2 lies that negatively affect life, love and relationships, starting with 1 of 2 huge lies: I hate or fear you because I don’t agree with you.
Netflix’s Dave Chappelle special, The Closer, has generated controversy over his jokes and content such as, “Gender is a fact. Every human being in this room, every human being on earth, had to pass through the legs of a woman to be on earth.”
The reaction by the LBGTQ community, including a protest by LBGTQ Netflix employees raises a key issue about life, love, and relationships:
If I don’t agree with something you do or something you say, does that automatically imply that I hate you or that I fear you?
And if I love you, does that also mean that therefore I must agree with everything you say or do? And you, if you love me, must you also agree with everything I say and do?
As I will explain, these are the beliefs of a child, not an adult.
“Our culture has accepted two huge lies: The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear them or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.”
– Pastor Rick Warren, 2012 in an interview with the Christian Post. (This quote has been incorrectly attributed to Dave Chappelle.)
“Our culture has accepted two huge lies: The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear them or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” – Pastor Rick Warren, 2012 in an interview with the Christian Post. (This quote has been incorrectly attributed to Dave Chappelle.)Pastor Rick Warren made those comments not in reference to gender or sexuality, but rather in reference to religion and the relationship between Christians, Jews, and Muslims: “For years, we have invited Muslim friends to attend our Easter and Christmas services and they have graciously attended year after year…one of my dear friends is a Jewish Rabbi and my family has celebrated Passover at his home, and he attends our Christmas and Easter services.”
The point Pastor Warren makes is that none of the attendees give up their beliefs or values. Instead, he demonstrates that we can all love each other but we don’t have to agree; and we can disagree but I don’t hate or fear you because we disagree; I still love and have compassion for you and for each other.
Conditional Love and Approval – I Hate Or Fear You Because I Don’t Agree
When I was a child, I believed that because my parents didn’t like the way I dressed or the music that I listened to, that therefore they hated me. I believed that if they loved me, they would agree with everything I say and do.
They simply didn’t agree with the way I dressed or the music I liked.
And yes, they did try to change me because they believed that they were doing what was best for me in their role as parents. But they, as parents often do, sought obedience from me.
Neither of them understood me. They didn’t try to understand me.
And even if they were to understand me, that does not mean that they would have to agree with me. They can validate my existence, my right to think and do as I want (within the limits of a child living under a parent’s roof) but they don’t have to agree with me.
Our culture is living as if we are all children – dependent upon the approval and acceptance of everyone else, while also seeking obedience and submission from everyone.
If my parents were to have understood me, then they could have expressed empathy and compassion for my thoughts, actions, and beliefs. But again, they didn’t have to agree or approve of all of my choices.
Our culture is living as if we are all children – dependent upon the approval and acceptance of everyone else while also seeking obedience and submission from everyone: ‘They – everyone – must approve of me, of the way I think and act, otherwise, I am nothing and they don’t love me…and I will holler and throw a tantrum and force or bully them until they are obedient and love me and approve and agree with everything I say and do. And all that matters is what I believe, not what anyone else believes.’
Couples in relationships who believe the lie that love is defined by agreement on everything
If you are in a relationship and believe that your partner only loves you when he/she agrees with everything you say and do, then you too, must agree with everything he/she says or does, otherwise you don’t love him/her either.
What an absurd and childish response.
How are either of you ever going to be authentic or vulnerable? How are you going to trust each other when you just agree while going against your own beliefs and values?
And if you or your partner does not care that you are expressing your real beliefs and values, then he/she is just seeking control over you and your thoughts. In other words, your partner does not want love or respect, he/she demands obedience and submission.
You Can Disagree But Still Be Compassionate To Each Other
The fact that two people disagree on thoughts and behaviors does not mean that they hate each other or fear each other; they simply have different convictions and can still choose to be compassionate to each other while holding steadfast to their values.
“Before I even say anything about that community [LBGTQ] you must know, and I hope you all feel the same way, I am not indifferent to the suffering of someone else…I’m not indifferent to people’s suffering ’cause I know it’s hard to be everybody. We Blacks, we just got our first big holiday in a long time.” – Dave Chappelle, The Closer
If you or a friend need help to overcome a pain from a past event or to become more confident and vulnerable, do what others have done: Resolve it rapidly and be set free of the pain by experiencing my SRTT process. Book a one-on-one session with me.
You can add to the conversation below.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.