The One Issue Everyone Has

The one issue everyone has

The one issue everyone has

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the one issue everyone has and how to neutralize it.

First a quick update:

“Understanding depression and mental illness”
NBC News senior writer Tony Dokoupil discusses the silent epidemic of suicide and mental health issues with me on MSNBC. Watch the video.

Follow me on Twitter – You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

Now, let’s talk about the one issue everyone has and how to neutralize it.

“What’s wrong with you?” I exclaimed over the microphone.

The faces in the room turned to shock.

“What’s wrong with you?” he shouted even louder than before.

People looked at me with shock and disbelief.

Two hundred people from across the US had gathered at this class at the annual convention of the National Guild of Hypnotists to hear me reveal the one core issue that everyone shares.

And here was I challenging everyone in the room.

“Who has said that to someone, ‘What’s wrong with you?’”

Arms went flying up in the air.

“Who has had that said that to you by someone else, ‘What’s wrong with you?’”

Again, arms went flying in the air.

For a moment, that heavy feeling left the room as people smiled and related to the questions; after all, we have all said that to someone or someone has said that to us, “What’s wrong with you?”

“So, what is wrong with everyone? What is the one thing that is wrong with everyone?” I asked the 200 people in the room.

Again, the heads followed me with faces of shock as I walked up and down the aisle repeating the question.

I paused.

I wrote the word “wrong” in large letters on the flipchart.

“That’s what’s wrong with everyone.

Everyone thinks there is something wrong with them!”

And now, let me reveal to you how that belief is played out and expressed in various ways and with 4 common subconscious phrases.

Very few clients or people in general will come out openly and state these beliefs listed below, but they will be revealed subconsciously when the therapist follows the right process to uncover them.

1. There is something wrong with me
What it means:

This is the subconscious belief that says “I am innately flawed, broken or damaged.” It’s not the same as “I did something wrong.” This belief often reflects another 2 beliefs – “I am beyond help/redemption; I am an impostor.”

Resulting emotions: This belief creates feelings of shame.

Consequent behaviors and emotions: psychological isolation, feelings of being trapped and powerless; hiding, lying, secretiveness, self-loathing, self-destructive behaviors.

2. I am not good enough/worthy
What it means:

This is the subconscious belief that says “I am lacking or missing something; I will never be able to attain this or that expectation or perfection; I am a fraud and they will find me out.”

Resulting emotions: This belief creates feelings of undeservedness and low self-esteem.

Consequent behaviors and emotions: self-doubt, anger, frustration, perfectionism.

3. It’s my fault
What it means:

This is the subconscious belief that says “I did something wrong, something bad.” It might be the result of an action or the failure to take an action.

Resulting emotions: This belief creates feelings of anxiety, guilt and worthlessness.

Consequent behaviors and emotions: criticism (towards self and others), anger, self-sabotage, narcissism, controlling behavior, victimhood.

4. I am not loveable
What it means:

This is the subconscious belief that says “I am not deserving of love or connection with other people; my love is insignificant and worthless because I am insignificant and worthless.” It can also be viewed as a subsequent result of the above three beliefs: “There is something wrong with me, I am not good enough, and it’s my fault.”

Resulting emotions: This belief creates feelings of worthlessness, insignificance, desperation.

Consequent behaviors and emotions: fear of intimacy, isolation or emotional outbursts and theatrics, self-sabotage in relationships.

Please note that the lists of resulting emotions and consequent behaviors are not intended to be complete lists; they are simply an outline of some of the more common emotions and behaviors. When a person has any or all of the above beliefs, he/she will always engage in some form of self-sabotage and self-loathing. Note also that external success doesn’t remove the subconscious belief of not being good enough; even celebrities are plagued by this.

Participants in my class asked me to reveal origins of these beliefs. There are 2 origins of worthlessness – childhood programming and adulthood programming. Experiences in childhood create beliefs of “I am not good enough or loveable and It’s my fault” (victims of abuse subconsciously blame themselves and conclude that there is something innately wrong with them); sociocultural programming creates the same beliefs. Constant bombardment by the media, advertising and other social groups creates or reinforces the belief “I am not good enough.” Remember, the primary message of all advertising is “You’re not good enough, there is something wrong with you and, you need this product.”

I asked everyone to find a partner. Each partner was then to look the other person in the eyes and say “I am willing to be open.”

So, now, consider these questions:

What is the one secret you are hiding?

What is the one thing you don’t want anyone to know?

What is the one thing for which you are ashamed?

“When you are ready, you have two minutes to share with your partner the answer to any of the above 3 questions; partners are to remain completely silent and simply listen and offer acceptance by listening and giving full attention.”

Next, I asked the other partner to do the same thing: share with your partner the answer to any of the above 3 questions.

Now, it was time for the participants to share with the room, their experience. The responses were surprising and yet most inspiring.

Some people admitted that at first they were reluctant and resistant. Another said “I had decided I wasn’t going to participate but then when you called out 30 seconds remaining, I did. And I was relieved when I did it; the shame has reduced dramatically.”

There were also comments that each partner felt closer to the other person for expressing and receiving. As I pointed out to the room, “Shame can’t live in secrecy. Expressing empathy and compassion relieves the other person, the recipient, and it makes us feel more connected to him/her.”

The key here is vulnerability. We cannot feel connected or bond with another human being without being vulnerable, without making ourselves vulnerable. And even though at first it seems frightening, when we do it, we feel truly alive. Remember, too, we feel most alive when we express love and to express love, we must make ourselves vulnerable; vulnerable to rejection, disapproval or being ignored; but also vulnerable to being welcomed and embraced for whom we truly are and for the love we express.  Click to read more.

You can try this exercise/process with a friend or even a willing acquaintance. Of course, certain experiences and feelings of shame, guilt and not being good enough or loveable require professional help and the additional step of forgiveness and compassion – forgiveness of self and others. If you need assistance to free yourself of these emotions to live fully and joyfully, then book a session with me. 

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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