One Question That Transforms Relationships

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal and discuss a simple question which can help transform your relationships – “What do you need to allow in the other person?”

First a quick update:

“Reality TV’s Little Girls Problem”
When does a guilty pleasure go too far and become something worthy of true guilt? Read my insights and comments about the controversial but successful TV reality show “Here comes Honey Boo Boo” a show that exploits a seven-year old girl and teaches and glorifies bad behavior – all for the intention of simply creating guilty pleasure and fun, and, of course, for ratings.

Now, let’s talk about a simple question which can help transform your relationships – “What do you need to allow in the other person?”

It is the ideal that is held in the loftiest of places: the attainment of unconditional love.

To experience unconditional love.

To be loved unconditionally.

In fact, many people often comment that they only feel loved when it is unconditional love, thus also implying that there is more than one form of love.

And what does it mean to be loved unconditionally?

Unconditional love is when one is loved as he or she is; fully accepted; fully embraced; free of any expectations and; above all without expecting anything in return.

And while almost every one of us dreams or has dreamt about being loved unconditionally, how many of us are actually able to love another person unconditionally? How many of us can say “I love you no matter what…I love you and you don’t need to change…I love you and it doesn’t matter whether or not you love me back”?

There are moments, sometimes fleeting moments when we feel unconditionally loved by someone else. And there are equally moments, fleeting moments when we feel that we unconditionally love someone.

But what about all those moments in between?

What about those moments, those minutes, hours, days, weeks or even years when our love for someone turns into something else – a painful emotion, a wall or castle surrounded by a huge treacherous moat protecting and isolating us from the world and love?

Those painful moments are simply created by our humanness – the human response of the expectation, perceived need and desire for the other person to change or; our human response of the refusal to accept the human imperfections in the other person and everyone else in our life and world.

From where does this expectation originate?

From the programming we received as children that we cannot make mistakes and that we therefore need to be perfect – all the time.

But even as children we also form expectations of the people around us, particularly our parents: we expect them to be happy, to never get angry, never feel disappointed, to love us wholeheartedly, completely and to give us everything that we need and want – praise, attention, affection, recognition, time and so forth. And, of course, we expect them to do so in a perfect manner.

We also have an expectation as children that our parents must be fully happy in their relationship, in their marriage or partnership. And when they fail (i.e. are human and make mistakes) we condemn them as well as form conclusions about love, relationships, men and women, self-worth and the world around us.

Soon we become adults and we find ourselves repeating childhood patterns or the patterns of our parents.

The one pattern we continue to repeat is the desire for perfection and unconditional love: “If you loved me you would…If you loved me you would never have…”

But alas, fear not. The teacher is also a student; the writer also a reader. In other words, no one is immune from this expectation – not even the so-called enlightened beings – at least not while they are in a human form!

And so, arrives the question that can very quickly transform a relationship:

“What do you need to allow in the other person?”

The other person is anyone and everyone with whom you have a relationship.

What do you need to allow in them so that you can have a happy relationship? What do you need to allow in them so you can forgive them so that you can have inner peace; so that you can let go of the pain, bitterness, resentment, fear and inability to trust and love again?

What do you need to allow in them so that you can let go of them, accepting that quite possibly, you are not ideally suited to each other or even healthy for each other?

The answer, in every case and in every situation, remains the same – you need to allow them to be imperfect, to make mistakes, to be human.

The answer is very simple, although not easy.

It is difficult to allow the other person to be human and to make mistakes because of our constant expectations and demands – of them and of ourselves. Yes, the way we judge others is the way we judge ourselves; the way we criticize and condemn others is the way we criticize and condemn ourselves.

It is difficult and challenging to end our constant obsession with trying to get them to change – to reach their potential, grow up or simply become something or someone that they do not want to be.

It is difficult and challenging because we often project onto or transfer to the other person, the very things we dislike or even loathe about ourselves, or the things wish we could change in ourselves.

And thus, the word “allowance” holds great power and significance: allowing the other person to be who they are – to make mistakes, to be imperfect; allowing yourself to do the same – to be who you are and to make mistakes and be imperfect.

Of course, the message here is not about allowing the person to treat you in any manner that is unhealthy or destructive for you. Instead, the message is about Get over it Vol I & II cover copy LRbalance – allowing, forgiving and establishing your own boundaries (what you will and won’t accept.)

The more you allow others to be themselves and to make mistakes, the more you will see others allowing you to be you and to make mistakes.

The more often you can express unconditional love, the more you, too, will experience it and have it expressed unto you.

If you are still working on releasing the pain, hurt and results of a painful relationship – a breakup, betrayal or rejection – use my program “How to get over it.”

Read more about unconditional love in my article “The challenge of unconditional love.”

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

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    Freed says:

    Dear Patrick,
    Thank you for this very humane question. Another approach would be based on the intrinsic unity of us all. It is merely a reflection of ourselves that we love or hate in another being. By forgiving y/ourselves and then express a willingness to learn and grow (together), wounds of the past can be healed. And deeper relationships – with many new challenges and rewards ahead – can be enjoyed. An ever-expanding oneness is ahead.

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