In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how to avoid getting sucked into the drama and getting stuck in it.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
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Relief and Clarity Can Be Yours – And In Just One Session
What is it that most people seek and desire from therapy? To be set free from the past, to release old painful emotions and create new empowering and supportive beliefs. Watch the video to see that the one thing all clients report after experiencing SRTT therapy is relief.
Now, let’s talk about how to avoid getting sucked into the drama and getting stuck in it.
Has this ever happened to you?
You get into an argument with a friend or your partner, and the argument continues for hours.
Next, you are arguing over the phone or over text messages, and you continue to argue for hours, and sometimes at 2 and 3 o’clock in the morning.
You try and try, and yet you just can’t seem to control it or stop it; you are overtaken by the emotions.
At the end of the argument & drama you feel drained, exhausted and almost lifeless, and yet you have solved nothing despite the hours of emotionally heated exchanges and endless words and thoughts.
This is what I refer to as”Getting sucked into the drama, and then stuck in the drama.”
This dynamic is simply a playing out or acting out of deeper emotional pain and trauma, and neither party is aware of what’s really going on.
In other words, the argument begins over something that happens, and then what perpetuates the argument is the unresolved pain, trauma or subconscious beliefs of past events. The argument is not driven by what actually happened – it is driven by the reaction of childhood pain and beliefs.
Here is a simple example.
Sally calls John her boyfriend to tell him that she has had an extremely awful and traumatic day and she would like to see him.
John acknowledges Sally’s situation and offers her empathy over the phone. However, he tells Sally that due to other circumstances – the visit of his children, she cannot spend the whole night with him at his place.
Sally immediately is hurt and upset and concludes that John doesn’t care about her.
Just five minutes later John calls back Sally to tell her that he has another idea so that they can still spend the night together. John also apologizes for what he said the first time. However, Sally says to John “It’s too late. You don’t care about me or love me.”
John proceeds to feel guilty for his mistake and actions.
Soon after, Sally and John spend 4 hours texting back and forth: Sally is reminding John what a bad person he is, telling him that he has neglected and abandoned her and doesn’t care about her. Meanwhile, John is texting back and constantly expressing his guilt and telling Sally that he will never do that again and he will even get help to address his issues since he is now convinced that there must be something wrong with him to make him such a bad boyfriend.
No matter how much they argue or what they say to each other, it is not satisfying or healing because they think that they’re addressing the actual problem that occurred that day. However, they don’t realize at all that the initial incident triggered subconscious beliefs and long-existing pain.
Sally is stuck in her subconscious belief and pain that ‘the world is awful, no one cares about me; I am abandoned.’ John is stuck in his pain of thinking ‘I’m not good enough, I’m bad, wrong and I must continue to try to make up for my guilt.’
Neither John nor Sally feels good since they are driven by their old pain and the more they argue, the more they relive that pain and act from the pain – Sally becomes the persecutor and victim, flaring her anger; John becomes the bad person seeking redemption, flaring his deep guilt.
Five hours later, they both have expended so much energy, and still they have not arrived at a resolution.
John and Sally got sucked into the drama, and then got stuck in the drama.
Their argument was not about the event of the day; unconsciously it was about their old pain.
How do you prevent yourself from getting sucked into and stuck in the drama?
When an argument ensues and the angry, critical, judgmental, condemnatory or highly emotional messages or exchanges begin:
Walk away from the phone and messages. Switch off the phone if need be. Stop responding and replying; wait till the next morning or 24 hours before replying.
Remember, the more you reply, the harder it will be for you to stop the obsessive cycle of arguing by text or email.
Now consider these questions:
What is this argument actually about? Is it really about what happened today? Is it about what has just happened or is it triggering some other older pain? What are you actually feeling? Are these feelings something you have experienced before? Is there a pattern in what you feel? What beliefs are coming up for you? Do these beliefs go all the way back to childhood (such as noted in Sally’s case above)?
When you are able to separate yourself from the drama, you can then focus on resolving the actual subconscious issue rather than getting stuck in the drama and wasting energy and damaging your relationship.
If you want to learn more about the roles we end up playing as part of the drama and drama triangle, get my new audio book/program “Get Over Your Ex Now!”
If you would like personal help to identify and release subconscious beliefs and wounds, book a one-on-one session with me.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.