In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to pose the question: “What does it take for you to really feel loved?”
First a quick update:
“Are you an impostor?”
Most of us believe we are impostors and are afraid of people finding out the ‘truth’ about who we are (who we think we are.) Watch the video from the Daily Buzz series – Get Motivated.
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Now, let’s talk about the question: “What does it take for you to really feel loved?”
In my article “Take the test – 5 languages of love” I reveal that we express love in various ways and each of us feels loved according to the 5 primary languages of love.
- Verbal affirmations
Telling someone you love them; praising them
- Quality time
Undivided attention while being together or doing things together
Small or grand material gifts
- Acts of service
Doing things for someone; helping out, small sacrifices
- Physical touch
Affection, hugging, kissing and so forth
Each one of us has at least two primary languages of love. For example, you might say “I feel loved when my partner tells me ‘I love you’ but I also feel loved when he hugs and caresses me.”
During a recent intensive therapy weekend I led for a family, I noticed that identifying the language of love for each family member wasn’t sufficient for the other person to fully understand and thus fulfill the other person’s needs.
Accordingly, I expanded the exercise to identify and determine the way each person feels and experiences love; I asked each person to complete two sentences with as many words and descriptions as possible: “Love is…” and “I feel loved when…”
What became apparent was that each person also included their values as part of their definition and language of love.
For example, one of the daughters wrote: “Love is understanding and compassion” and “I feel loved when I experience understanding, kindness, generosity, compassion and loyalty.”
While I also suggested that the simple definition of love is “Wanting the best for the other person” I explained that the “best” varies according to the way a person feels loved as well.
Thus, this daughter identified her primary language of love as “Acts of service” but she also was revealing her values based on the way she feels loved. It became apparent later that loyalty is a core value of hers.
Her father, too, identified “Acts of service” as his primary language of love but after he answered additional questions, he revealed that to fully feel and experience love, he needed the acts to be initiated by the other person rather than for him to simply ask for those acts.
One of the other daughters revealed that her primary language of love is “Physical touch” followed by “Acts of service.” She also revealed in her second sentence “I feel loved when…” that she feels loved when the other person gives up something valuable to him to spend time with her. That implies that she combines “Acts of service” with “Quality time” but specifically, she wants and needs to know that the person is making her a priority.
The point here is that it is not enough for you to know your partner’s primary and secondary language of love, you must also know the way that he or she defines that language of love, and; the more information and details you have about the way he/she experiences love, then the easier it is for you to express love to him/her in a way that he/she will feel fully loved.
Here is a simple exercise for you and your partner:
- Complete the sentence “Love is…” Even if you agree that love is wanting the best for the other person, add and expand to that definition
- Complete the sentence “I feel loved and I experience love when…” Again, add as many descriptions and words as possible.
- Share your answers with your partner
- Ask your partner do complete the same above questions
- Read and speak your answers to your partner with “I feel loved and experience love when…”
- Ask your partner to repeat your answers to you. For example, “Mary, I understand that you feel loved when you experience undivided attention, when we do things together and when you experience sincere hugs and affection and when you are show patience and understanding.”
- Repeat your partner’s answers to him/her. For example, “John I understand that you feel loved when you receive praise and verbal thanks and when you experience someone giving up their time for you and to be with you.”
- Continue to remind yourself of your definition of the feeling and experience of being loved and your partner’s definition of the feeling and experience of being loved. Remember and accept that your partner’s definition might be the opposite of yours! Be willing to express love in his or her terms as well.
Remember, you can’t get what you want if you don’t know what you want and if you are not willing to ask for it!
And if you need help to identify your language of love and believe that you are worthy of receiving that love, consider a one-on-one private session with me. Watch the video here.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.