Financial Betrayal – Is Your Partner or Ex Hiding Money From You?

Financial Betrayal – Is Your Partner or Ex Hiding Money or Debt From You

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal another form of betrayal and deception in a relationship – hiding a checking, savings account or credit card.

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test
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What caused your last breakup?
It was either infidelity or incompatibility, and both of these belong to ‘clashing values.’ And it doesn’t matter whether you mention parenting, lifestyles, fitness, personality types, age difference, life stages, or something else that caused your breakup – it is still a clash of values. Watch my video 

Now, let’s talk about another form of betrayal and deception in a relationship – hiding money or debt in the form of a checking, savings account or credit card.

Which form of betrayal is worse: physical infidelity or emotional infidelity? Men generally cite physical betrayal as worse than emotional betrayal while women cite the opposite – emotional betrayal as worse than physical – because they believe that it is a harder bond to break.

But what about financial infidelity?

“A whopping 29 million Americans, or 1 in 5 who are married or living with a partner, are currently hiding a checking, savings or credit card account from their live-in spouse or partner,” according to a new CreditCards.com report.

The survey also found that “20% of consumers believe financial infidelity is worse than physical infidelity.”

Is financial infidelity or physical infidelity worse?
8% Strongly feel financial infidelity is worse
12% Somewhat feel financial infidelity is worse
35% Feel financial and physical infidelity are about the same
20% Somewhat feel physical infidelity is worse
25% Strongly feel physical infidelity is worse
– Source: CreditCards.com survey

Why would some people cite financial betrayal as worse than physical betrayal? It has additional consequences depending on the nature of what the betrayer has been hiding or spending and, the motivations for the deceit might multiply the pain of the betrayal. The possession of a separate bank account or credit card might worsen the overall financial situation for the family or deprive them of needed resources and provisions.

The motivations for this form of deception can be varied although none can be justified. Is the hiding of an account or credit card motivated by an affair? Is it a form of control and manipulation? Perhaps it is motivated by the hidden refusal to fully commit to the relationship or it is a way to mask the shame of debt or other spending habits.

In a TV news interview, I explained that some people hide money and accounts from their partner because they don’t trust their partner with the money, while others do it because their partner tries to control their spending habits. One client found her boyfriend had a second hidden bank account & associated credit card, and then she found he also had a hidden mistress which explained why he had the second account and credit card.

“Forty-four percent of those who are living with a romantic partner believe they’re better money managers than their partners and just 12 percent think they’re worse. Men were more likely to say they’re better at it than their partners, and women were more likely to say they’re worse.” Source: https://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/financial-infidelity-cheating-poll.php

Although, the survey revealed that millennials (ages 18-37) were twice as likely as older generations to keep such a secret, perhaps due to greater debt and lower household earnings, the action of deceiving a partner is more connected to a lack of character than it is to age.

In an era where the catchcry has become “transparency”, hiding a bank account or credit card predicts that there are probably other forms of deception and lies also occurring in the relationship.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
If a person chooses to not be fully transparent and thus lies, deceives, hides or keeps secrets from his/her partner, then there is a very high likelihood that the same person is keeping other secrets and engaging in other forms of deception and betrayal.

Any form of betrayal will erode or break the trust and thus the very foundation of the relationship will be cracked, shattered, or completely destroyed.

Both partners can choose to have separate bank accounts or credit cards as long as they are transparent from the outset about the desire to do so (along with the motivations) and, they both agree to it. The motivation for the additional account is more critical than the action because it can reveal a real need to strengthen the couples’ finances or it can reflect manipulation, a lack of trust, or the desire for different things in life.

If you need personal help to overcome a betrayal or if you need help to regain someone’s trust, book a one-on-one session with me.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist