It’s Not Your Fault

It’s Not Your Fault

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to illustrate the point that it’s not your fault for the way others respond to you.

First a quick update:

“New Personality Test” 
Due to popular demand I will be making available my personality test – “Talker, Doer, Thinker, Watcher” within the next two weeks. I usually only present this personality profile test live at seminars and corporate training programs but I will be releasing it as a complement to the Subconscious Imagery Personality Test.

Now, let’s talk about an issue that we all face: blaming ourselves for the things that people say or do to us.

Here is an excerpt from my upcoming audio book: “Secrets to Getting Over it”:

“Good Will Hunting” is one of my all-time favorite movies.  Robin Williams plays the role of Sean a therapist who’s the only one who seems to be able to connect with Will Hunting (played by Matt Damon.) Will is a young boy who happens to be a genius but there’s one block to his success – his belief about himself.  On the outside, Will Hunting portrays this arrogance, self-confidence, and this air that he knows everything.  He can quote books from the back to the front.  He has read all of the philosophies.  He has read all of the textbooks.  He has an amazing knowledge of life, or at least of textbooks but not life.  The block to Will Hunting’s happiness is his past.  It’s his childhood, and as the movie unfolds Will Hunting’s childhood story is told: he was beaten and abused by his father and was even given a choice as to which item his father was going to hit him with, a wrench, a stick, or a belt.  Will Hunting proudly says that he chose the metal object because it was his way of saying to his father “F you.”

In one of the most powerful scenes in the movie “Sean” Robin Williams has made an amazing connection with Will Hunting and the past, the abuse, the pain comes up.  At this point, Robin Williams says to Matt Damon “It’s not your fault”.  Matt Damon speaking on a conscious level and intellectual level says “I know” but Robin Williams comes back at him again “It’s not your fault”, Matt Damon again says “I know” but Robin Williams keeps pushing, saying again and again, “It’s not your fault.” Something suddenly happens; Robin Williams connects at a subconscious level with Matt Damon’s character and Matt Damon says “Not you. Don’t F with me.” Williams is now triggering Will Hunting’s real pain and Robin Williams keep saying to him “It’s not your fault.  It’s not your fault.  It’s not your fault” until finally Will Hunting breaks down and he’s crying and sobbing as Robin Williams hugs him and holds him tight.  And this is the breakthrough point.  This is the point when at the subconscious level, at a deep emotional level, Matt Damon’s character Will Hunting accepts that all the abuse, all the pain he went through as a child was not about him.  He wasn’t to blame.  There wasn’t anything wrong with him.  He didn’t do anything to cause it or create it.  In other words, it wasn’t his fault for the way his father was or for the way his father responded and reacted to Will Hunting when he was a child.

This is a very powerful scene and a very powerful movie and I highly recommend that you watch this movie…In almost every situation with break-ups, betrayals, rejection or even the death of someone in our family, we often conclude that we played a part in it, believing that we’re to blame, that maybe it’s our fault, that we contributed to it, “If I had just done this or if I hadn’t done this or if I just done that or if only.” And we continue to torture ourselves and beat ourselves up by wondering where we went wrong; what we did wrong; what was wrong with us that might have caused the other person to behave the way they did.  I want to refer to a couple of examples.  One of my clients had been abused by her husband and she put up with it for a long, long time.  Finally, when she found the courage and the strength to break away, we uncovered that at the subconscious level, she thought it was her fault.  She thought there was something wrong with her; that it was her fault that he was drinking and then beating her up.  She thought that maybe she had turned him into this, that she had created this monster.  She thought it was her fault for the way he is and for the choices he makes.  So as you’re listening to this, I want to make it very clear to you that there is nothing that you can ever do that determines what choices another person will make. You can influence someone, you can inspire someone, you can encourage someone but they make the choice of how they respond and react.  Think of the people who’ve died for their religion.  Think of the people who’ve ended up in concentration camps for their beliefs.  I can put a gun to your head and tell you say something or to do something but you still make that choice.  And here I’m referring to the extreme example, a gun to your head, but in the relationship a gun is never put to your head.”

I have a daily declaration: “I understand that the way others respond to me is about them.” Add your comments and questions to my blog and read my past Success Newsletters, if you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist

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4 replies
  1. Avatar
    Passionate Ben says:

    One of my all-time favorite movies I can watch it everyday, Will is so similar to me (I wasn’t adopted, but am a Mensa candidate). I love your stuff Patrick.

  2. Avatar
    Emma says:

    Thanks for the comments about “NOT your fault”
    That is so true. For I too lived in a home where my husband was VERY abusive. Finally with the help of the children I got out. Freedom !!!!!
    He made those choices and lost me and the children.
    Oh yes I do have a story. But strong faith and Gods protection gave me a new life.
    Emma Lyman

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