So Much Wrong With Women

So Much Wrong With Women

So Much Wrong With Women

A new book, “the truth about cheating” by Gary Neuman says the top reason men cheat is because they feel underappreciated by their woman. “This is an outrage” says therapist Patrick Wanis PhD, “Again men are trying to let themselves off the hook by laying the blame on women, trying to make women feel guilty because they aren’t doing enough for their man.” Does Patrick Wanis have a point?

Marriage counselor and author, Neuman says women are to blame when men cheat. He says the no. 1 reason men cheat is “feeling underappreciated – a lack of thoughtful gestures” by the woman. He says cheaters are not the bad, rotten guys; “they can also be nice guys that get lost and do the wrong thing.” But Human Behavior Expert and Clinical Hypnotherapist Patrick Wanis PhD, says “Again here is another man who removes the responsibility of infidelity from the man who cheated and places it right in the lap of the woman by claiming that it is women’s responsibility to build up the man and make him feel valued because Neuman claims that is what men are searching for and expecting from women.”

Maybe Peter Cook former husband of supermodel Christie Brinkley read the same book. In an interview set to air Friday on ABC’s “20/20,” Cook blames Brinkley for his affair: “I wanted a little acknowledgement, a little attention, a little thank-you every now and then for my efforts, for the amount of time I took to care for her and my family, for the wealth I was building.”  Wanis says “Cook’s excuse is more than demeaning to women; it’s shameful when you consider that Cook had an affair with an eighteen year-old girl.”

Wanis says “No matter how someone leaves you feeling or ‘makes’ you feel, the way you respond to that feeling is your choice. The husband could communicate with his wife instead of sleeping with another woman. In his book, Gary Neuman even cites a case where the husband had regular sex and the emotional connection with his wife but still had an affair. The bottom line is we all have choices in every moment and the real man has power over himself – he exerts self-control, discipline and knows how to say no or walk away from the temptation. The real man doesn’t expect a woman or anyone else to validate him; he validates himself.  When Neuman tells women that they need to do more and that they are to blame, he robs women of their power, lowers their self-esteem and creates guilt  for the woman but he lets men off the hook because they can now blame her. We are never responsible for other people’s actions or choices.”

“Ultimately, cheating is often about power, opportunity and self-gratification.  Neuman’s argument that women aren’t doing enough for their husbands to value them is similar to saying that it’s justified that a worker steal from the company because he is not getting paid enough. “

More talking points available upon request.

Originally from Australia, Patrick Wanis PhD, is a Celebrity Life-Coach, Author and an Expert in Human Behavior and Relationships. He is a Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner and Clinical Hypnotherapist with a PhD in Health Psychology. Wanis has appeared on major news outlets -FOX News, MSNBC and the Montel Williams Show, and is the weekly featured analyst on celebrity behavior for The New York Observer. Wanis is the first person ever to do Clinical Hypnotherapy on national television. Wanis coaches and works with various celebrities. WGN Chicago and Syndicated TV show, “The Daily Buzz” anointed him “The Woman Expert” and FOX News pronounced him “A voice for women.” Over four and a half million people have read Wanis’ books in English and Spanish. www.patrickwanis.com

Facebook Comments

Comments

comments

8 replies
  1. Avatar
    Sparrow says:

    P. Wanis has a phD?

    I’m sorry but I’m very surprised at this.. and either I believe it or I don’t (and on the internet anything goes, really). His section on women cooking denotes a complete lack of respect and tact on his part, one that I would not expect from an educated man. Sorry.. I know this isn’t the place to be ranting about that article.

    Ya, Wanis.. I get it.. you’re trying to ‘save face’ here by making women seem ‘innocent’. Let me tell you something: it IS the woman’s fault when he cheats on her.. but not because she doesn’t cook or pick up his dirty socks. It’s her fault because most women who are forced — because of their chauvinistic, lazy husbands — to hold down jobs AND servant positions within the home, DON’T FEEL LIKE FUCKING ANYMORE.

    Precisely the reason most men cheat is because:
    THEY AIN’T GETTIN LAID AT HOME ANYMORE

    And why?
    BECAUSE A SERVANT DON’T FEEL LIKE FUCKIN WHEN SHE’S TIRED AND OVER-WORKED

  2. Avatar
    Larry says:

    I don’t think Dr. Wanis was taking sides, he said we’re all responsible for our own actions… male and female. We all tend to justify our actions with excuses, but they’re still excuses. If you’re fed up with someone, leave or if married, get a divorce… don’t sneak and sculk around like a cat, cheating.

  3. Avatar
    neoeritas says:

    Hmm. I will start out by stating my agreement with the statement that no one else can be held responsible for another’s actions. However, Wanis’ assertion that women lose their power and self esteem as well as feel guilt as a result of Neuman’s claims contradicts his statements that men need to choose their responses to women’s misbehavior. Apparently, Wanis does not apply the same requirements to a woman’s response as he does to a mans. Are women some how not able to choose their response to Nueman’s statements? Wanis like most others in our culture give women way to much movement while condemning men for the same failings.

    The truth is that in some relationships the woman very much does neglect the man, and the opposite is also true where the man neglects the woman. I will focus on the woman neglecting or not neglecting the man since that is the topic, but as is apparent it can definitely go both ways.

    Wanis’ and Nueman’s positions are both simplistic and inadequate. When a man cheats it very well could be due to his partner’s indifference and neglect. This is not to condone the cheating, but in such circumstances especially if protracted it would be reservedly understandable. I will state that it is never a good choice to cheat. There are also times when a man cheats due just to lust are a number of other reasons having nothing to do with his partner. Wanis’ comments that “Ultimately, cheating is often about power, opportunity and self-gratification.” is again overly simplistic and in this context a vilification of men.

    It’s not surprising that the two responses are from women who absolutely support Wanis’ narrow view of this subject. I suspect that his clientele are mostly if not exclusively female. I am also surprised that there is a PHD behind his name as one would think that someone with such a level of education would not make such sweepingly condemning statements to one gender. Women are not inherently innocent as our culture and they would like everyone to believe. They are just as capable of neglect, abuse, and cheating as men. And yes, they are also responsible for choosing their own responses.

    Another point of contention is the author’s statement of what a “real man” is. It is not the author’s place or anyone else’s to define what a “real man” is. Anyone who uses this statement is attempting to demean, degrade, and manipulate men. The bias against men in this article is glaringly obvious and pathetic.

    • Avatar
      Patrick Wanis says:

      Dear Neoritas,

      thank you for your thorough and thoughtful response.

      Let me address some of your points. I said no one else is responsible for our actions except us; that means no one can force or determine the way we will respond. However, yes, someone else’s actions can affect the way we feel. Yes, a constantly abusive partner (male or female) will affect our self-esteem, self-confidence and personal power if we are in that relationship long enough. However, the way that this abused person responds or reacts to the way they have been treated and the way they feel is a personal choice. It would be entirely incorrect to say that we are an island and completey immune from the way our partner or others around us treat us. Consider the people in concentration camps; one cannot argue that the abuses had no impact on the prisoners. Also, please consider Battered Woman’s Syndrome. If you research it, you will learn more about the long-term effects of abuse.

      With regards to a PhD: no level of education determines or guarantees that the person (student, graduate, etc) has all the answers nor will it determine or guarantee that he or she is correct. Many PhDs in the same field disagree with each other and each one cites their own studies or research. For example, Dr. Drew believes in Sex Addiction while almost the entire field of psychiatry and mental health does not. Who is right?
      Dr. Peter Breggin who does not believe in medication for depression, ADD, ADHD etc. believes that there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance in the brain, and; he has won every case in court against the pharmaceuticals.

      With regards to the gender behind the abuse: I entirely agree that both men and women are capable of cheating and betrayal as well as being abusive and neglectful. However, the statistics behind abuse reveal that men are more physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to women than women are to men. About 300,000 women are abused by a man in the US each year.

      You did make a contradiction when you said that you “agree with the statement that no one else can be held responsible for another’s actions” and yet you later went on to say that it is understandable that a man might cheat because of his partner’s indifference and neglect.

      You state that my claim that ‘”Ultimately, cheating is often about power, opportunity and self-gratification.” is again overly simplistic and in this context a vilification of men. ‘ And yet you also state that men might cheat because of lust. Is that not a simplification also? Plus, it supports my very contention since lust is all about self-gratification. And to engage in lust, a number of things must be in place: one must have or create opportunity, one must be in a state of self-gratification and one must also lack self-discipline and lack of control. I have said in other articles and interviews that I believe that it is natural that even when we are in a relationship, we will be attracted to someone else (or in lust) but that does not mean we have to act upon it. And yes, that applies to men and women. (See my audio book – “Secrets to getting over it” where I refer to attraction to multiple people and the choice we have in each moment – https://patrickwanis.com/blog/getoverit_package.asp )

      And if we are to accept that lust is the driving force behind cheating, then is that not then also a simplistic reason or explanation? And incidentally, a simplistic reason does not inherently mean that it is incorrect or inaccurate. Many wrong things we do actually have a simplistic explanation such as instant gratification, selfishness, implusiveness, etc. Maybe the origin of that emotion or impulse might have a deeper answer.

      I do agree with you that “Women are not inherently innocent as our culture and they would like everyone to believe” (particularly with regards to doing wrong as we are all capable of committing wrong or even evil acts) but again, statistics and studies reveal that men are more abusive than women are. And yes, in the past, I have had two girlfriends who cheated on me, and so I understand that women are not inherently innocent but also based on my understanding and knowledge of human behavior, I understand why they did it and that it had nothing to do with me – and yes, their actions along with other issues were motivated by opportunity and self-gratification. One at the time was still young with little life experience and little guidance – age 24, on vacation in Europe, and there was opportunity, along with attraction and a desire for self-gratification; there was also for her, deeper issues of self-sabotage.

      Having said that yes, I do focus more on women’s issues and seek to create a balance. My father was abusive to my mother and to my brother and myself, and accordingly that inspired or motivated me to seek balance and equality. It did not though make me a hater of men but it opened my eyes to male responses and behavior and; in the case of my father, his lack of self-awareness (of his emotions, self-doubt and insecurities) and a lack of understanding of his choices led him to be an abusive man.

      Finally, you state “It is not the author’s place or anyone else’s to define what a “real man” is. Anyone who uses this statement is attempting to demean, degrade, and manipulate men.” I wholeheartedly disagree. Anyone and everyone has the right to offer a personal opinion about such a thing as a definition of a real man. And in offering such an opinion and definition I am not degrading nor demeaning men; rather I am encouraging what I believe to be better responses for men and from men; responses that would in fact, be more empowering for them. I do wish more fathers would sit down and have the discussion with their sons about what a real man is and teach them principles, values and morals, and most of all an understanding of themselves, their emotions & desires and their vast array of options and choices in each moment.

      Again, Neoritas thank you for adding to the discussion and being thought-provoking and for challenging my teachings; I always welcome that.

      Also, I gave an interview to the syndicated radio show “Hits and Favorites” with Richard and Lori about “women to blame for men cheating” – you can read the transcript of that interview here:
      https://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2009/06/29/women-to-blame-for-men-cheating/

      or you can listen to that interview “women to blame for men cheating” here:
      https://patrickwanis.com/blog/Women_to_blame_for_men_cheating.asp

      Thanks,

      Patrick

  4. Avatar
    Rachel says:

    This works both ways. How many times has the man thanked the woman for standing with him, cleaning, cooking, raising children and going to work so that he can have the more he is wanting. Then he cheats and says he did not get the attention he needed from home. Bull. If he did half the work then there would be more time to appreciate him and his efforts. Ask them how many times did they tell their wife that she was beautiful and thank you for all that you do for me. They are usually too busy building wealth that their wifes do not really want. They just want to be comfortable and spend time with them. The man has to keep up with the Jones and the wife usually gives up everything so that he can have it. Bigger house, cars, golf memberships, big screen tvs, computers, etc. He plays golf or sits around with the guys watching football. She is busy cleaning, and taking care of the kids or work. She puts off something for her until she finds herself the divorcee and that he has been cheating and running around with a woman that gets her hair done on a regular basis and her nails and massages. She pampers herself where his wife is too busy trying to make sure he is happy. She may be unhappy also, so does this give her the right to cheat because he does not appreciate the things that she does?

  5. Avatar
    Cher says:

    Any act of disrespect will come back to wound us. A man cannot blame his wrong doing on anyone but himself. Furthermore, it is not a woman’s job to keep her man from cheating. What a pathetic relationship if it is built under these circumstances. It seems to me, if people continue to have such a low opinion of themselves and each other, it will only perpetuate destructive relationships, and we will all wind up alone.

    Thank you Patrick for having such incredible insight to a common and unfortunate problem in our society. I hope that many will listen to you and bring about a change in relationships. A change that involves a lot more respect and caring.

Comments are closed.