The Fear of love

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss the fear of love.

First a quick update:

“Who made you who you are today?”
What do you do and what gift or talent do you have that might even be attributable to a painful past? That’s right and true, sometimes a bad experience can help mold us into a more skilled person; sometimes a bad experience can encourage our greater talents to emerge.

Follow me on Twitter– You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

“6 Different types of love and passion”
There are so many different perceptions, interpretations and definitions of love. However, did you know that there are actually 6 different kinds or forms of love? Watch the video:

Now, let’s talk about the fear of love.

Love is probably the most popular topic in all of literature, poetry, music and art.

In fact, researchers at North Carolina State University studied the No. 1 Billboard “Hot 100″ hit songs of the 50 years (January 1960 to December 2009) and discovered 12 recurring key themes; love, in its many forms dominates the list:

  1. Loss
  2. Desire
  3. Aspiration
  4. Nostalgia
  5. Pain
  6. Breakup
  7. Rebellion
  8. Inspiration
  9. Jadedness
  10. Escapism
  11. Desperation
  12. Confusion

Perhaps love is the most popular topic throughout history because it is one of our most natural states and experiences. Here I am referring to love as a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes. The other most natural human state is the desire for survival which thus also triggers fear; our hardwired fear responses are designed to protect us and ensure our survival.

“When you love a person all fear disappears. And when you are afraid all love disappears.”
– Osho

We are born with only 2 fears – falling and loud noises. Every other psychological fear is a learned response. And it is fear that is the opposite of love because fear prevents us from loving. You cannot love someone when you are afraid of him/her; you cannot open your heart or express love when you are in a state of fear; you cannot allow someone to get close to you, to be intimate with you, when you are in fear.

Nonetheless, if it is true that love is one our most natural states, how is it that we are so afraid of it? How is it that fear overrides love?

We fear love for only one reason – our belief that love will result in pain – in its many forms: loss, breakup, rejection, betrayal, and so forth.

I have said in various previous articles that I believe our deepest hidden desire is not to be loved, but rather, to actually love – to express love. And when we withhold our expression of love, we are doing that because we subconsciously believe our love is not special, that we are not worthy or good enough and therefore we fear that our love will be rejected, tossed aside.

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” – James A. Baldwin

Fear is the anticipation of pain (thus always set in the future.) A fear of love is a fearful belief that if we were to experience love, it would not be fulfilling but rather it would be painful.

“Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.” – Merle Shain

And here is the key – love is fulfilling and without love we remain empty inside.

If you think carefully about life, it becomes obvious that other than the motivation for basic survival, everything we do is to get love or to make up for a lack of love. We strive to become successful, validated, wealthy, popular, secure or established, in the belief that with these things and states, we will be able to attract love, that our love will be worthwhile and valuable.

On the other hand, when we do not have love, we either become some sort of ‘aholic’ seeking out distractions and escapes or, we work harder to achieve that state that we believe will make our love special and thus attractive to others. And when we believe that the situation is hopeless, that our love will never be special, then we fall into depression.

The fear of love is not real.

It feels real but it is not real.

The fear of love is the faulty mindset that equates the past with the future; past pain experienced in love does not automatically indicate that future experiences in love will equal pain.

Consider the times in your life when you felt the most alive, the most ecstatic, the most omnipotent, the most invincible or the most special. It wasn’t the fleeting moments tied to career, money, possessions or external achievements.

No. The times in your life when you felt the most alive, were when you were expressing love; when you found purpose by having someone to love or showing someone love. Love here doesn’t simply refer to romantic or passionate love, but rather, love here also refers to all of those times when you were giving, helping, building up or making a positive difference in someone else’s life.

Love is fulfilling. Fear is crippling.

The only true reason you fear love is because you haven’t yet awoken to the realization that your love is special, valuable and significant.

Everyone wants love. Everyone needs love.

Love is healing. Love is satisfying.

Love fills the inner emptiness!

Stop being selfish! Share your love and allow someone else to share their love with you! Allow yourself to be loved. Give yourself permission to love and be loved!

Remember, there are so many people wanting to be loved; so many who need your love!

“The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return” – Nat King Cole “Nature Boy”, 1948 (Also quoted in the 2001 film “Moulin Rouge”)

If you need more help to overcome the fear of love, to awaken to the fact that the love you have to give is precious, book a one-on-one session with me. 

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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