In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 7 steps to value yourself.
First a quick update:
There are 5 types of emotional vampires. Which ones are in your life? How do you deal with them? How can you spot them and rid them from your life? https://patrickwanis.com/blog/dealing-with-emotional-vampires/
Follow me on Twitter– You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert https://twitter.com/Behavior_Expert
“The link between thrill seeking and cheating”
Thrill seekers are prone to cheating as a way to satisfy their need to take risks. Watch the video: https://youtu.be/fxT5PoepK74
Now, let’s talk about the 7 steps to value yourself.
In last week’s Success Newsletter, “Do you value yourself?”, I explained that to value yourself implies that “you are important, worthy, useful, significant or beneficial”, and I said that you can determine if you value yourself by the ways you allow others to treat you.
“Remember, we teach others how to treat us…The value you give to yourself is the same value others will give to you.”
How do you value yourself? Here are the 7 steps:
Step 1 – What you don’t want
List in your life the areas where you believe family, friends and colleagues have not been valuing you. Do they respect you, your time and your talent? For example, note the way that people speak to you: do they cuss? Are they angry? Do they communicate frequently? Do they include you in conversations and decisions? Are they punctual? Do they ask or do they simply take and use your possessions?
Step 2 – Target your value – what you want
Now that you have listed some examples of the way people have been devaluing you, list and describe the ways you want those people to treat you by writing out the opposite of how they have been treating you! In other words, define what you want – you can’t hit a target if you don’t have one. Be specific and measureable with your list.
Step 3 Self-talk
Do you talk and refer to yourself as harshly as those people around you who devalue you? Begin now to openly speak about your talents, gifts and abilities. Acknowledge your uniqueness and skills. Become aware of the words, phrases and things you say about yourself to yourself and to others. Whenever, you notice that you are saying something negative or devaluing to yourself, stop and say “cancel that” and replace it with a positive thought or phrase, even if that means “Yes, I screwed up and next time I will do better.”
Beware of making yourself small in order to make others feel better about themselves. Other people’s inadequacy is not your responsibility; I am not suggesting here to be arrogant, condescending, mean or contemptuous but rather to be mindful of others without putting yourself down.
Step 4 – Intuition and valuing your feelings & needs
How do you feel when people ask something of you? Do you feel good & comfortable or do you feel knots in your stomach; do you feel joyful or resentful? Become aware of the demands placed on you and whether or not you are mentally, physically and emotionally able to meet those demands. Are you being drained?
Your feelings count as much as anyone else’s feelings do! Write out your needs (physical, financial and emotional.) What are you doing to get those needs met? Ask! Be specific in the ways that people around you can meet those needs. If you say to your partner “I need you to be more loving to me”, then tell him/her how to do that – more affection, more attention, kinder words, etc. If you want to be more appreciated by your partner, again, tell him/her how to express that to you i.e. what you need to feel loved or appreciated. Explain to him/her your language of love.
Step 5 – Seek your own approval
Stop seeking other people’s approval. It is a common mistake to tie your self-worth to other people’s opinions of you. Instead, seek your own approval. Remember, no matter what you do or who you try to become, you will never be able to please everyone. Instead, get clear about who you are, what you want and what your passions in life are and focus on living those and being true to yourself.
Practice saying “No!” Use the phrase with others, “I am practicing saying ‘No’.” Again, determine your boundaries – what you will and what you won’t accept from others.
Step 6 – Forgive yourself
While you believe that you have done something wrong or bad, you will experience feelings of guilt, shame and self-blame, all of which devalues you. Also note that while you feel bad about yourself, you will attract people who will reflect that belief about you. If you feel guilty, you will subconsciously look for ways to punish or sabotage yourself. You will become attracted to people who will treat you to the extent you believe you deserve to be treated.
Decide to forgive yourself, even if you need professional help to forgive yourself for whatever you did or did not do in the past.
Also, choose to take on a new role – maybe in the past you were a Rescuer, a Victim or a Persecutor. Now, decide that you, too, deserve to be loved, respected and treated with significance. Note your relationship dynamics – are you equally giving and receiving? Ask for what you want! Ask for help!
Step 7 – New friends
You become who you hang out with; you influence each other.
Dr. Nicholas Christakis, a physician and professor of medical sociology at Harvard Medical School studied social networks by following 12,067 people for 32 years from 1971 to 2003. He found that friends affect you more than even family members creating “contamination” in the areas including obesity, unhappiness, spending, drinking, smoking, exercise, and healthy diets. https://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/25/health/25iht-fat.4.6830240.html
The study found that if your immediate circle of friends is obese, your risk of obesity increases by 45%; if your good friend becomes obese, your chance of becoming obese increases by 57% in the same time period, and; if your good friend’s friends are obese, your risk increases by 25% – even if you’ve never seen them. “The greatest influence of all was between mutual close friends.”
The point is: Surround yourself with people who value you. Choose friends who treat you as if you are important, worthy, useful, significant or beneficial.
I understand that some of these above 7 steps can be taken on your own and some need the help, support and guidance of a professional with a process. Maybe you need help to forgive yourself or to overcome an incident which leaves you feeling unworthy or not valuable – consider a one-on-one session with me. https://www.patrick-wanis.com/phone-consultations/
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.