The Pain Of Being Alone

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal the pain of being alone and the difference between feeling alone, being alone and feeling lonely.

First a quick update: 

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Do you know the difference between being alone and being lonely?

Of course, you do. Being alone simply means you are the only person here in this room or space; being lonely means you feel disconnected or isolated even if you are not alone in this room or space.

However, we still use the word ‘alone’ to represent an emotional pain. You might say, “I am tired of being alone” or “I feel so alone.”

Yes, “feeling alone” is vastly different from “being alone.”

“I feel all alone. You left me alone to face your mother.”

Feeling alone is summed up by the word, ‘unsupported.’

1. Being Alone

Being alone is a physical state of being – the existence or presence of just one person in a space; you are alone in the room, but you feel okay and connected to others in life

2. Feeling Lonely

Feeling lonely is a psychological experience or state – feeling disconnected, isolated, separate, an outsider and/or not belonging, regardless of whether others are physically present or if you do or do not have companions, acquaintances, or friends in life.

3. Feeling Alone

Feeling alone is a psychological experience summed up by one word: feeling unsupported. See further below. Feeling the pain of being alone or feeling alone leads to feelings of loneliness.

I discovered the difference between being alone, feeling lonely and feeling alone from decades of working with clients. Here are some of the insights I have gleaned from my clients who experience feeling alone; these are my phrases I offered to help them understand the feeling of being alone. Yes, I wrote ‘the feeling of being alone.’

“The pain of being alone is completely out of this world, isn’t it? I don’t know why, but I understand your feelings so much, it actually hurts. ”

– Masashi Kishimoto

What Does It Mean When You Say, “Feeling Alone” or “Being Alone”?

Feeling unsupported

No one to lean on

No one has your back

No one protects you

No one cares for you

You feel betrayed and thus abandoned or on your own

You feel rejected

No one to talk to

No one to confide in

No one there to understand you

You believe no one understands you

Feeling or believing that you must go through life on your own without help

Feeling or believing you must fend for yourself

You cannot depend on anyone other than yourself

You don’t trust others (and often not even yourself, even though you might say ‘I can only trust myself’)

No one present to express empathy or compassion to you

No one to encourage you

No one to comfort you

You feel unsafe, insecure

You believe you made the conscious choice to be alone/on your own, but you don’t recognize that decision was made for you in childhood (see further below)

You feel conflicted – wanting to connect and get close but refusing to depend on others or receive help or support

Is Being Alone A Conscious Choice?

Feeling alone is a choice that was most likely made for you by someone else at a very early age. In other words, if your parents did not meet your emotional needs, they ignored you, were not psychologically or physically present or ‘there for you’, then you will feel alone, unsafe, insecure. If they didn’t understand you or try to understand you, or if they gave little attention to you, or if they or someone else abused you, then you will feel alone. If you felt unsafe or felt you could not depend or trust anyone in childhood, then you will also have made the subconscious choice to ‘go it alone’ – to depend on yourself, no one else, and to not trust anyone.

If you don’t share someone’s pain, you can never understand them. But just because you understand them doesn’t mean you can come to an agreement. That’s the truth.” — Naruto.

Solitude, Loneliness, Feeling Alone and Being Alone

Solitude is another word for being physically alone. Contrary to some websites which offer incorrect definitions, solitude can be voluntary or involuntary: ‘the prisoner was placed in solitude following the altercation and attack.’ The point is that solitude can be a positive experience and action when you consciously choose to allocate time to be in solitude to take a mental break, rest, do an activity on your own (a hobby or catch up on tasks), to connect with nature, or to engage in introspection or self-awareness.

Extended social isolation leads to being lonely or feeling lonely. Loneliness is a killer and is deadlier than chain smoking. 

Being alone and thus feeling lonely increases stress levels, with higher risks of high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, a weakened immune system, anxiety, depression, cognitive decline, and Alzheimer’s disease. Studies show that the physical dangers of feeling alone are worse for older adults.

Further, if you feel alone or believe you are alone, then you will struggle in relationships (with insecure attachment styles), you will struggle to connect emotionally with other people because you do not trust, and you may suffer from behavioral issues and anti-social behavior.

If you need help to heal the pain of being alone, to open up and trust or connect emotionally with others: Resolve it rapidly and be set free of the pain with my SRTT process. Book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist