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Why Do You Love? Is It Love or Just Neediness & Codependency?

Why Do You Love? Is It Love or Just Neediness & Codependency
Why Do You Love? Is It Love or Just Neediness & Codependency
Why Do You Love? Is It Love or Just Neediness & Codependency?

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to clarify misconceptions of love by exploring the motivations of love
– ‘why do you love?’

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalize advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report. 

4 Signs You’re in Lust, Not Love
Lust or love? They can be difficult to distinguish between, especially when caught up in the heat of a new romance. Read my insights and answers

Men and Women Reveal Top 5 Causes of Breakups – Survey
Here are the results of a breakup survey – men and women rated different causes for the breakup. Infidelity was not the number one cause of the breakups! Watch the video 

Now, let’s talk about the motivations of love – ‘why do you love?’

There are many definitions of love, and I have revealed the various forms of love – Eros, Philia, Sturge, Agape, Passionate and Companionate Love. Watch the video

I sum up love as wanting the best for the other person.

Some people, though, argue that love is only love when it is unconditional.

The challenge with that expectation is that we are humans, therefore imperfect and therefore we cannot truly love unconditionally; we can strive to love unconditionally but we will fall short.

For example, think of someone whom you believe that you love unconditionally: why did you select this person to love unconditionally? Why not love everyone unconditionally? If you respond by saying that some people don’t deserve unconditional love, then you just identified that certain conditions must be met before you will select someone as worthy of your “unconditional” love.

Accordingly, why do you love? What is the real motivation?

Can you truly love another person without ever expecting anything in return?

Do you love so that you can express and give your love to someone without expectation (or with limited expectations) or, do you love so that you can get something back?

What is it that you expect back from your partner?

Do you love out of neediness, codependency or a desperate need for validation and approval?

Do you love out of a fear of losing the other person?

Do you love out of manipulation – doing things for the other person so that they will love or care for you?

When you love with the intention of either being validated, approved or reassured of your worth, then the love becomes tainted – it is motivated only by the desire to fill your own deep emotional voids.

Perhaps you love someone so much that you put his/her needs before yours?

Codependency is a relationship where you put the needs of your partner first to your detriment; your partner might be turning to you to meet all of their physical, emotional or self-esteem needs, and, you might be unknowingly supporting or enabling their self-destructive behavior. In codependency, you love by putting the other person first but never getting your real needs met, because you believe in a twisted form of love – ‘the only way I can get any form of connection, affection or love is to ignore my needs and care only for the other person; I am not worthy of being loved.’ This is also an unconscious form of manipulation.

Do you love to get your desires met; desires such as material possessions, money, social status or security?

Do you love so that you can feel good enough? In other words, do you love the other person only so that they can validate you, reassure you or approve of you? If they don’t love you back, if they don’t respond to your gestures and overtures of love, can you still love them without expecting anything in return? Can you still be happy with the love you gave even when it was not reciprocated?

Again, what is your motivation to express love; why do you love?

Consider whether or not the love you express contains these 4 motivations as identified in Buddhism’s concept of true love.

1. Loving-kindness (maitri) – the motivation to offer happiness via friendship, kindness, benevolence and understanding
2. Compassion (karuna) – the motivation to ease or remove someone else’s suffering
3. Joy (mudita) – the desire to bring joy to your partner and share in his/her joy
4. Inclusiveness/Equanimity (upeksha) – acceptance, non-discrimination, preserving your freedom and your partner’s freedom, being one with your partner

I believe in balance; in a relationship, there should be giving and receiving, supporting and being supported, loving and being loved. That which causes most of our suffering and misery is the imbalance – the extreme desire which controls us, the desperate need for approval, validation and reciprocation which also control us. However, when you choose to focus on giving and expressing love with little expectation, you will feel more joy, because our deepest hidden desire is not to be loved, but rather to love!

If you need personal help to remove the blocks that prevent you from expressing pure love or to release the neediness and desperation, book a one-on-one session with me. 

You can add to the conversation below.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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