Cheating – How To Get Over It When You Blame Yourself

Cheating - How To Get Over It When You Blame Yourself

Cheating – How To Get Over It When You Blame Yourself

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how to attain emotional freedom following cheating – what to do when you blame yourself for your partner’s infidelity?

First a quick update:

“How to get over it”
Unfortunately cheating and betrayal are too common. If you have been suffered a betrayal, how do you get over it? How do you rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth? How do you let go of the shame and embarrassment?

Follow me on Twitter– You can now choose to follow me and receive a few words of wisdom on Twitter: @Behavior_Expert

“If you cheat, do you confess?”
If you have a one-night stand and cheat, do you tell your partner? If your mutual friend hits on you, do you tell your partner? Watch the video for insights into what to do when you have betrayed someone:

Now, let’s talk about how to attain emotional freedom following cheating – what to do when you blame yourself for your partner’s infidelity?

Science argues that all animals are not truly monogamous creatures, including humans i.e. we are not designed to be with just one person and that mating and attraction to multiple people is a natural state and response since one of our primary functions and purposes is to reproduce.

Of course, we have the power to override the hardwired impulse to reproduce (many people make the conscious choice to not have children, though not necessarily the equivalent conscious choice to abstain from mating.) There are also a very small amount of animals that appear to be socially monogamous, though not sexually monogamous.

Nonetheless, the one element here that science finds a challenge to fully explain is the paradox – we are supposedly not monogamous and yet we become extremely attached socially, mentally and emotionally to other people.

In other words, there is conflict for many of us – we are attracted to more than one person and yet we become deeply attached to just one person, and, that one person can have extraordinary power over us. Read The 7 Factors Of Attraction. 

The point here is that we can become attached to someone, be it a conscious mutual commitment or a subconscious, emotional and psychological attachment, and that puts us in the precarious place of being subject to powerful consequences should the other person decide to cut off or end the attachment.

Note that I am not here arguing against attachment or commitment.

Nonetheless, when the attachment is shattered such as through the experience of betrayal or infidelity, the result is a plethora of intense and conflicting emotions & responses:

  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Self-loathing
  • Self-doubt
  • Embarrassment
  • Rejection
  • Resentment
  • Revenge
  • Bitterness
  • Isolation
  • Insecurity
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Suspicion
  • Inability to trust
  • Cognitive dissonance
  • Loss of identity

The one key emotional response to experiencing cheating which I would like to address here, is the response of shame. Most people who have had a partner betray them respond immediately by feeling guilt and shame.

Guilt is the belief that ‘I have done something wrong.’

Shame is the belief that ‘There is something wrong with me.’

Both emotions are driven by the subconscious belief that the act of cheating by the other person is ‘my fault’: there is something wrong with me…I am not good enough…I am incomplete…I wasn’t enough…I couldn’t satisfy, complete or make my partner happy…other people are more attractive than I am…etc.

Like children who are egocentric, we can inaccurately fool ourselves into thinking that we control the universe, we control and determine the other person’s responses and behaviors.

You might say, ‘I know I don’t control him/her.’ If so, then why blame yourself for the way the other person responds to whatever is happening in the relationship?

The mistake we make is that we focus purely on our actions instead of trying to understand the motivations of the other person, the one who made the conscious choice to cheat.

Note that I said ‘conscious choice to cheat.’ With the exception of someone who has engaged in ingesting or participating in mind altering substances, the choice to cheat is always conscious. It might be driven by emotional urges, but, it is still a conscious choice. We have the power to override our emotions and desires.

Thus, the key to attaining emotional freedom following infidelity or betrayal is to understand yourself, understand your responses and understand the other person, the one who cheated.

Before reading the 7 steps to assist you, please note that none of the steps is designed to be an excuse or justification for cheating. The steps are designed to help you to release yourself from self-blame, guilt and shame.

1. The relationship
What was happening in the relationship for you?

What was happening in the relationship for your partner?

2. Emotional needs and voids
Where the emotional needs being met for both partners? Women tend to cheat when they feel emotionally invisible; men tend to cheat when feeling neglected, insignificant or emasculated.

3. Self-esteem
Does your partner have healthy self-esteem, low self-esteem, selfishness or narcissism? People with low self-esteem will often become promiscuous because they seek approval, validation and significance from other people. Narcissists only think of themselves, and often, suffer from subconscious beliefs of inadequacy.

4. Thrill-seeking
Is your partner a risk-taker and thrill-seeker? These types are prone to cheating.

5. People-pleasing
Is your partner a people-pleaser who cannot say no and lacks boundaries? These types are also prone to cheating because they lack the ability to say no and fear rejection.

6. Power & temptation
Does your partner have self-control and self-discipline? Did you partner become corrupted by power and temptation? People in positions of power often become corrupted by power as it destroys values, creates narcissism, delusions of grandeur, entitlement and invincibility (men more so than women.) Power often is accompanied by numerous opportunities and temptations. Men who have power and fame find women chasing and throwing themselves at them. For women, power is the greatest aphrodisiac.

7. Self-sabotage
Does your partner believe that he/she deserves to be treated well, to be loved and respected? Some victims of childhood abuse will sabotage a relationship where they are not being abused; they confuse abuse with love.

Finally, remember we can only be responsible for our own personal choices, reactions, responses and behaviors. We can influence other people; we can even inspire people. However, we never make decisions or choices for other people, for our partners. Everyone is personally responsible and accountable for his/her actions.

If you need help to get over a breakup, betrayal or cheating, consider a private, one-on-one session with me. Click here to book your session.

You can post your comment on this newsletter below:

If this newsletter was forwarded to you and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

Facebook Comments