In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal why so many people end up marrying someone just like mom or dad.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalize advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
Top 10 Celebrity Meltdowns 2017
There was a common theme and thread in my eleventh list of the top ten celebrity meltdowns, and yes, you, too, can learn from the stupid behavior of celebrities. Watch the video
Now, let’s talk about why so many people end up marrying someone just like mom or dad.
Did you marry your mother or father?
What are the similarities between your partner or spouse and your mother or father?
Is it the way he treats you, or the way you feel around him?
Jilly told me that when I revealed to her that her father was disconnected from the world it suddenly dawned on her that her boyfriend is exactly the same – he’s disconnected from the world.
Her immediate question to me was, “How did this happen, and can you help me to change it?”
Imago therapy posits that we are attracted to, date and marry someone who is identical to our mother/father because we’re trying to subconsciously heal and resolve that relationship.
I’ve never found the latter part to be true and I don’t agree, as I will explain.
I revealed to Jilly that children learn three ways:
1. They watch and copy their parents and people around them
2. They listen and believe what they are told (often repeating those same words and phrases in childhood and in adulthood)
3. They have specific experiences and create (faulty) interpretations of those experiences.
Additionally children are also impacted by the energy of the parents or the energy of the household. In other words, children are like sponges and they absorb the emotions of the environment. If a parent suffers from constant anxiety there’s a strong probability that the child, too, will also end up experiencing and suffering from anxiety.
In Jilly’s case, we used my SRTT process (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) to uncover the dynamic between her and her father when she was a child.
As a young girl, Jilly was often confused about how to relate to her father; she said that she never knew what he expected and she was accustomed to being ignored. Jilly subconsciously believed as a child that she was a nuisance to dad, that she got on his nerves and in turn, believed that she couldn’t do anything right.
Accordingly, that created self-doubt, and Jilly chose to shut down, believing subconsciously that there was no point to even trying to connect or please dad. Jilly subconsciously felt helpless and hopeless, and consequently she wanted to disappear; she wanted to be invisible, to escape and to not get any attention.
“Jilly, if a little girl believe she’s not able to do anything right, is a nuisance, doubts herself, is shut down, wants to escape, wants to disappear and doesn’t want to be seen, do you think that that little girl will grow up and search for a man with whom she can connect?” I asked.
Jilly had an a-ha moment.
‘No. Of course, not!’ she said.
Jilly the adult was subconsciously repeating the same childhood belief about who she is and what she must do to avoid pain and rejection.
Of course, what works as a child very rarely works as an adult i.e. Jilly the child responded to dad in a specific way in order to avoid pain but as an adult Jilly consciously wanted to connect and have a deep bond and relationship with a man.
As a child she didn’t want to be seen or heard; as an adult she consciously wanted to be seen and heard!
Jilly didn’t choose her boyfriend because she wanted to subconsciously heal the relationship with her father; she chose her boyfriend because it matched her subconscious beliefs about her identity, her role, her self-worth, and what it takes to be safe and avoid pain.
John ‘married his mom’ because he believed his identity and value was being a rescuer; Rick ‘married his mom’ – a woman with whom he always felt he wasn’t good enough the same way he felt around his mom; Rachel ‘married her dad’ because she subconsciously believed that love is abuse (repeating the subconscious relationship dynamic), she subconsciously believed she deserved to be abused (not good enough), and she was fulfilling her identity as a victim of abuse (not having a voice, feeling shame, worthless, and that her feelings don’t count, etc.)
Ultimately we all repeat our subconscious beliefs and childhood relationship dynamics until we become consciously aware of them and we decide to change those beliefs through processes such as my SRTT.
What is common between your relationship and the relationship you had with your mother or father?
You can add to the conversation below.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.