In this week’s Success Newsletter,
The key reason people get fooled in relationships and how to move forward.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
What Will You Regret At The End Of Your Life?
At the end of your life, what will you regret? Will you regret what you did or what you didn’t do? I can predict exactly over what your regrets will be. Watch my video
Now, let’s talk about insights into the key reason people get fooled in relationships and how to move forward.
When Debbie Johnson suddenly lost her husband to a heart attack, she became overwhelmed and grief stricken. Eventually, her friends encouraged her to continue with her life and to date once again. Debbie created an online profile and consequently fell victim to someone with a fake profile & identity who convinced her to part with more than one million dollars in what is referred to as the Nigerian “419” romance scam.
It is quite easy to sit back and mock people who get taken in by these romance scammers. But what about the people who paid $10,000 to participate in a spiritual retreat where 3 of them died, and the leader James Arthur Ray was convicted on three counts of negligent homicide and sentenced to 2 years in prison?
How did they get fooled?
There are many women and men who get fooled by a partner or who end up feeling foolish because the relationship didn’t work out. Why, though; how did you get fooled? What did you do that leaves you feeling stupid about your role in the relationship? How could you have been fooled, taken in, or outrightly deceived?
Before I offer some insights and suggestions, let me add that you are not alone.
More than 3,000 people have taken my free, ongoing, online breakup test. I designed this survey as a way to learn even more about the causes of relationship breakups, the way people are breaking up and responding to breakups, and to offer help advice and action steps with a free customized actionable report.
Which responses shocked me the most?
Four powerful revelations:
1. Men hurt as much as women do when they break up
2. Most people never get closure following a breakup
3. Women label themselves as stupid for the relationship
4. Men and women respond differently to the breakup and the way that they try to get over it
More than 53% of women surveyed cited this as the number one belief they currently have about themselves (out of 19 options): “I believe I’m stupid for the relationship I had with my ex”, while 48% of women said “I feel that a part of me is missing”, and; 40% of women said, “I believe my ex fooled me.”
When you look at the victims of online romance scams or even the victims of James Arthur Ray, you find that there is always one thing in common: the victims were in a state of deep vulnerability and were also looking to fill emotional needs or an emotional void. This is not to say that vulnerability is bad or wrong or a form of weakness.
I lead workshops for corporations on vulnerability, authenticity, trust, responsibility and accountability. I teach that it actually takes great strength to be vulnerable, because to be vulnerable you need to be courageous and be willing to take risks, sometimes great risks: you will be open and vulnerable and there is no guarantee that it will be respected or reciprocated.
The challenges to bring you are extremely vulnerable, and potentially still grieving from a loss or you are vulnerable because you are afraid of the future, uncertain coma or afraid of being left alone then you move from vulnerability to desperation.
When we feel weak and desperate, longing to fill an emotional emptiness, then it becomes easy to lose sight of reality and to hold onto a fantasy or even a dream and hope you had for the future, and; it is easy to allow someone to lead us with false hope.
Perhaps your ex did fool you.
Perhaps your ex (male or female) is adept at convincing, conning or selling. Understand that the term ‘con man’ or ‘confidence trickster’ refers to a person who is skilled at gaining your confidence and then tricking you to get what they want. Even the smartest and most educated people have been fooled by various confidence tricksters or salesmen; one participant at James Arthur Ray’s event was a psychologist and another an attorney.
Perhaps you handed over all of your power to someone who could easily identify your deepest emotional needs and vulnerability. Perhaps you feel stupid because of the way the relationship failed, or because you trusted this person, or you refused to give up and you stayed in the relationship despite the many red flags and the many times that now seem obvious when you should have fled or ended the relationship.
Now that it is over, there are only two ways to go: 1. stay stuck in misery, self-pity, anger, resentment or cynicism or 2. have compassion for yourself for the mistakes you made and learn from those mistakes.
How are you responding now? What do you believe about yourself? Do you feel foolish stupid or conned? Are you choosing to shut your heart down? Are you choosing to never trust, never be vulnerable again, and to never love again?
This is the biggest mistake.
Ultimately, the person that loses the most when you shut your heart down and stop expressing and receiving love is you. The person whom you punish when you shut your heart down is you first. Yes, you rob other people of the opportunity to experience your love, but first you rob yourself of the joy of loving someone else.
In my Breakup Test I ask, “What do you miss the most about him/her or the relationship?” Did you know that the most common responses for both men and women are the same? “Having someone to love”, “The friendship”, and “The companionship.”
Begin by forgiving and loving yourself for the mistakes you made. Be willing to look completely openly at the mistakes you made and why you made them. Learn from those mistakes. Take notice of the signs and the red flags in the future. But above all, don’t condemn yourself to a life of misery, but rather open your heart and be willing to swim and immerse yourself in love once more.
If you need help to overcome self-judgment, blame, guilt, shame or deep pain and loss, book a one-on-one session with me.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.