In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to talk about emotional vulnerability and the fear to commit.
First a quick update:
“The 3 reasons men fear commitment!”
Watch me live on The Mike and Juliet Morning TV show when I will be revealing the 3 reasons why men are afraid of commitment – and the greatest fear men have regarding commitment and marriage: “Am I big enough?”
Now let’s talk about the link between emotional vulnerability and the fear to commit, a point that I will be highlighting in the TV interview I will be giving tomorrow with Mike and Juliet.
The dictionary defines “vulnerable” as 1. Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt; susceptible to physical or emotional injury 2. Open to moral attack, criticism or temptation.
I like to view vulnerability as opening up yourself emotionally to someone else. Vulnerability is emotional intimacy or “into-me-you-see.” In other words, that involves sharing your fears, dreams, aspirations, disappointments, hurts, failures, pain, goals and deepest, most private thoughts.
I am sure that there are many people reading this right now and shuddering at the thought of doing that, opening up. Most of us fear taking off our mask or masks and revealing our true selves. The fear of removing our masks or becoming emotionally vulnerable is not just a male phenomenon. Many of us hold back out of fear of rejection, criticism or condemnation.
In the Western world, men have been taught to be strong, to be “male” and macho. The problem is that we have come to define strength as being cold, indifferent, unemotional, unaffectionate, insensitive, hard-skinned, showing no feelings or sensitivity, unsympathetic and uncompassionate, shutdown and closed up. I will clearly and boldly state that it takes much more courage and strength to open up and reveal yourself than it does to shut down and hide your true feelings and thoughts. It is much easier and more cowardly to be a robot than to make yourself vulnerable. Being shut down is equivalent to the soldier that runs away from the battle because he is scared that he might get hurt. You cannot win or feel fulfilled if you don’t give of yourself. And yes, most men who refuse to open up and become emotionally vulnerable do so out of fear of rejection, criticism or even being mocked or laughed at. Inside, we all have a fear that should we show our true selves and people see us as we really are then they might not like us, they might reject us, judge or condemn us.
There are two key points here:
- It is better to reveal yourself now than do this later and realize that the other person doesn’t or can’t love you for who you truly are. Many marriages fail because once the masks are removed and the husband or wife reveals his or her real values, insecurities and feelings, the other person cannot handle it or concludes that his or her partner has changed. No. He or she never changed, he or she just waited till now to reveal him or herself. He or she waited until he or she felt secure within the establishment of the marriage to unmask the true self. It is also better to open up than to live a life of cold, unfulfilled masking and hiding. You cannot ever be happy or fulfilled if you are always playing a role and wasting your energy and time trying to be what or who you think someone else wants you to be. Remember, the reason we label someone as “best friend” is because we feel safe and we open up to them!
- You cannot feel the pain of rejection by someone else if you have already revealed yourself to you and accepted all of you. In other words, if you truly know yourself and can love, forgive and accept yourself, then you either won’t attract someone who rejects you when you open up or you will know that this person is not the one for you. You will not spend your time trying to convince this person, trying to please him or her, and you will simply move forward to open the door to someone who loves and accepts you as you are. And don’t wait for someone else to accept you so that you can accept you.
This leads to another closely connected point I will be making on The Mike and Juliet Morning TV show tomorrow: Know yourself. Know who you are what you want in life. Know your values and what is important to you in life. This is another key reason why marriages fail, the two people do not have the same values; they have clashing values. It cannot be a partnership if the values are not the same. So although money and se-x are listed as the two top reasons that marriages fail, it is actually the arguments and clashes over the values and significance given to money and se-x.
And for the ladies, yes, I will be giving advice tomorrow about how to help guide, encourage and inspire your man to open up and become more vulnerable.
Remember to check out my Blog on my website to read my past Success Newsletters, post your comments and take a few exciting quizzes. If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.