In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss “an eye for an eye” – is it OK to publicly humiliate your wife in order to prove yourself right?
First a quick update:
“Is Kate Middleton’s ‘mummy tummy’ coverage disrespectful to women?”
Read the insights I gave about the impact on women by the media’s obsession with Kate Middleton’s post pregnancy body here.
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“The Pope welcomes Gay Priests?”
Pope Francis says that the Catholic Church will welcome gays as long as they don’t act on their desires., even though the church still views homosexuality as a sin. But is the Pope also contradicting the New Testament, and does that mean Gay Priests will be accepted into the church? Watch the video.
Now, let’s talk about an eye for an eye” – is it OK to publicly humiliate your wife in order to prove yourself right?
Even if you are not religious, you have probably heard or read about this teaching and motto:
‘If a man injures his neighbor, just as he has done, so it shall be done to him: fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth; just as he has injured a man, so it shall be inflicted on him. Thus the one who kills an animal shall make it good, but the one who kills a man shall be put to death.…’ Leviticus 24:20
Many people use this quote as a means to justifying revenge or justifying treating someone poorly to the extent that they have been treated.
One husband claims his wife had been saying bad things about him to their friends and he wanted revenge.
James Mongiat, age 30, claimed that his wife Whitney, also 30, had been telling friends that he is a bad guy and he wanted to prove his side of the story.
The challenge is that James secretly videotaped his wife, Whitney, throwing a major tantrum and then he posted it online for the entire world to see.
In the video, Whitney is throwing a tantrum equivalent to a 3-year old. You can see her throwing herself back and forth, flailing her arms and screaming extremely loud as she was crying in frustration. Watch the video here.
At the same time, it is also obvious from the video that James is teasing her, egging-her on and reveling in the power he has over her as she is in emotional pain and screaming; he is enjoying her frustration and he is acting like an older, bullying brother as he laughs at her.
There is little doubt from the video alone, that both spouses are highly-dysfunctional and mean to each other, and that they are not healthy for each other. Incidentally, they have been married only 14 months.
It is critical to note that every one of us has lost their cool at some time or another; hopefully few of us have ever thrown a tantrum of the magnitude of Whitney, as that indicates low emotional intelligence and stunted emotional development.
However, the question arises, if Whitney had been throwing tantrums and had been portraying her husband James as the big, bad ogre to friends, does that give him the right to secretly film her and post it online?
One might argue: ‘After all, he is simply paying her back; she spoke negatively about him to friends, so he is going to show her negatively to friends also.‘
No. this is very wrong.
An eye for an eye is not a good motto when it comes to relationships of any kind; it turns a loving, committed relationship into a business contract based not on love but on equal exchange of good or bad. It poisons the relationship, transforming it into a relationship of punishment and rewards.
One might also argue that the marriage of James and Whitney was not loving or committed. And now, any intention of solving the problems or salvaging the marriage, are not possible.
James was immature and vindictive. He focused on his ego – being right. He humiliated her – in front of her friends and family – and in front of the world.
The very things he criticized her for doing, are the same things he also did – displaying a lack of emotional control, a lack of self-discipline and obvious acts of selfishness and disrespect for the other person.
When someone hurts us (lies, cheats, betrays, shames, blames or wrongs us in some way) it is easy to consider revenge along with the desire to hurt them as much as they hurt us. But an eye for an eye might be appropriate in criminal law but it doesn’t apply in a loving committed relationship where the intention is to express love, kindness and compassion. Revenge of equal proportions also does not improve the relationship or enhance it in any way whatsoever.
If James felt Whitney’s tantrums were unbearable, manipulative and destructive to the relationship, he could have ended the marriage without publicly humiliating her. Now, Whitney says she is filing for divorce.
Finally, we all have choices in every moment, and the best choice is the one that is carefully considered, weighed against the consequences and suffering that everyone will experience. Revenge and vindictiveness do not always result in closure, happiness or peace of mind!
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.