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How To Ease Pain And Suffering With Nonverbal Compassion

innate compassion; compassionate instinct; empathy VS compassion; instinctual compassion; compassion meaning definition; words of compassion; touch compassion; nonverbal compassion

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal the most powerful form of compassion to ease pain and suffering – nonverbal compassion.

First a quick update: 

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Do you know how to respond when someone is in deep pain and suffering?

Do you respond with words or with some sort of touch or nonverbal comfort – ‘nonverbal compassion’?

In a moment, I will share an experience which taught me what nonverbal compassion truly is,

First, though, let’s see if you relate to this:

I have a friend and if I am about to share with him some painful or tragic news – mine or someone else’s, I first have to tell him clearly, “Please do not give me any advice, lectures or philosophies. Please, do not downplay or trivialize it; just listen.”

What I am seeking from my friend is some form of empathy or compassion.

Empathy VS Compassion

Empathy is the act of feeling someone else’s pain.

Compassion is the next level up.

Compassion is the act of feeling someone’s pain and taking action to relieve it.

When someone shares or reveals their pain to you, they are seeking comfort – someone to understand their pain (empathy) and hopefully, to relieve that pain (compassion.)

“Research has shown that when we feel compassion, our heart rate slows down, we secrete the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, and regions of the brain linked to empathy, caregiving, and feelings of pleasure light up, which often results in our wanting to approach and care for other people.”

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/compassion/definition

The action of expressing compassion can be with words of comfort; it can be sitting in silence with someone; it can be just listening to them or, it can be nonverbal comfort – touch and physical connection way beyond simply hugging.

But think about what we usually do when we see someone in pain – we are so afraid to touch someone else, to connect with them physically.

Words of Compassion That Simply Make Things Worse

Often, we stand at a distance and utter words that are really intended to make us feel more comfortable with their pain and discomfort rather than truly relieve their pain. And so, we will say things such as “I understand…I know how you feel…be strong…don’t cry, don’t be a sissy…crying won’t help…it’s not such a big deal…it could have been worse…everything will be fine.”

But those words don’t end the pain, nor alleviate it. Nor do those words create the deep connection with others which we need and yearn for.

In fact, touch activates the brain’s orbitofrontal cortex, which is linked to feelings of reward and compassion.

Nonverbal compassion: Instead of focusing on what to say, focus on how to be and what to give of yourself.

Instinctual Nonverbal Compassion

Let me share a personal experience that demonstrates nonverbal compassion.

A friend had just found out the news of the tragic death of his son. I was standing with him when his wife walked in and heard the news. She collapsed to the ground.

She was screaming, wailing, kicking her legs, flailing her arms, and banging her head. He now, too, began to cry even more and wail in pain.

They were both on the floor.

I got down on the floor with them.

I was holding them both as they were crying, screaming and struggling to breathe. I didn’t speak. I said nothing. What can anyone say to comfort a parent who is overwhelmed by the unbearable pain of the death of their child?

Instinctively, I held them both tight and gently tried to stop her from hurting herself or hitting her head on the ground.

I was stroking her legs; I was holding the back of his head.

Pain filled the air. That’s all there was.

They were howling and writhing in such excruciating pain.

Occasionally, I would place the palm of my hand on the back of his head where the neck and skull meet. I was cupping his head, and I did so firmly and tightly. I didn’t think about this – it was an instinctual response.

I felt their pain and yet I felt safe; I could not understand their pain because I was not the parent who lost their child, but I could feel some of their pain in me. I was connecting to their suffering, but I was not trying to fix them.

At times the screaming was almost deafening. And when they turned to me to look at me, I just let them cry and let them shout and scream out words of disbelief and denial.

At other times, as they lay on the floor crying, shaking and sweating, I would run the back of my hand gently down their face to caress and try to soothe and ease their torment and distress.

And when there was the fleeting moment of silence, I just sat or lay there with them in silence, still holding them.

At one time, I was shocked as I found myself leaning my forehead on his forehead. It was another gesture of nonverbal compassion.  

The nonverbal connection was so much deeper and more meaningful than any exchange of words.

Even now, I still remain in wonder and amazement; I did not know that I could be so compassionate.

Yes, I teach compassion to my clients, and I offer deep compassion to my clients, but I truly didn’t know that I had such compassion within me for someone else’s suffering. Perhaps, I had created walls that I didn’t even know existed.

The Block To Expressing Nonverbal Compassion

Yes, I did not know that when we remove our ego or fear (stop thinking about ourselves), and when we choose to connect to someone else’s pain and deep suffering (and choose to care for them), then walls that separate us collapse and we instinctively know how to express compassion and comfort them.

I chose to see my friends, to give them the space, respect and honor to express all of themselves fully and to know that they are accepted and embraced – even in their pain and distress.

Nonverbal Compassion can be expressed and demonstrated by holding (tightly or gently), holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, touching, stroking, sitting side by side in silence, facing each other with a soft, tender look from one’s eyes, placing your forehead on theirs, and so forth.

While I could offer multiple suggestions of specific actions of nonverbal compassion, I sincerely feel we all already instinctually know them.  We all have the capacity to nurture and comfort another human being – innate compassion. All it takes is the desire to love and care for others when they are hurting.

If you need help to heal the pain of loss or if you didn’t’ experience compassion in childhood, resolve it rapidly and easily, and be set free of the pain with my SRTT process. Book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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