How We Create Liars

How we create liars

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the way we create liars, starting with our children.

First a quick update:

“How A Self-Help Guru Brainwashed 3 People To Their Death” – Read my article published on HeadDrama.com.

“Stop apologizing for anti-gay remarks” – Read my press release about the harm that comes from fake apologies.

“Is Jennifer Aniston turning into Angelina Jolie? – Read my quotes and insights in the FOX News article.

Now, lets’ talk about the way we create liars and insincere people, starting with our children.

There has been a recent spate of anti-gay remarks by celebrities:

Singer Chris Brown called a group of photographers “gay” when he got angry believing they had reported his illegally parked car; actor and comedian Tracy Morgan suggested during one of his comedy shows that he would take a knife to his son if he found out he was gay; singer Cee Lo Green attacked a music critic via Twitter saying “I’m guessing ur gay? and my masculinity offended u?” (Cee Lo wasn’t aware at the time that the music critic was actually a woman and not a man) and; basketball star Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 for making a gay slur against a referee during a game.

To add to the list of controversial remarks, actor Russell Crowe Tweeted “circumcision is barbaric and stupid” even though he argued he was Tweeting in jest to a Jewish friend.

What do all of these people have in common other than bias, bigoted or controversial remarks?

First, they were all speaking what they truly felt and second, they all quickly apologized for their initial remarks.

Celebrities, athletes and public figures all are well connected to crisis management experts who advise them to immediately apologize because their career and popularity are being seriously threatened.

Accordingly, each of the guilty parties will say something along the lines of ‘that’s not really the way I feel or what I believe’ and will proceed to add their support to the respective groups they offended such as the gay community or Jewish people.

But how many of them were truly sincere with their apologies?

Kobe Byrant says “The words expressed do NOT reflect my feelings towards the gay and lesbian communities and were NOT meant to offend anyone.”

But yes, they were; they were intended to offend the referee. To Kobe the word faggot does imply something bad and negative and disgusting, otherwise he could have simply called the referee an “F…n Lamborghini.” Kobe also chose to appeal the fine which raises doubts about the sincerity of his apology.

The point then is: Are any of the above apologies heartfelt and can a forced apology change a person’s real beliefs and feelings?

Unfortunately this is the myth that most parents believe and engage with their children which, in turn, creates and breeds liars:

Mom (or dad) is angry and frustrated. With a stern disapproving glare and a harsh voice, mom looks down and says “Johnny. Now apologize to your sister. Johnny. Go on. Apologize now!”

Johnny does apologize and he might even use the words “I am sorry” as he then turns his head away. But he is not really sorry. They are just words he uses. And now Johnny is angry and resentful that he has had to apologize because he doesn’t understand why and he doesn’t feel it. And now he’s taught to lie and to give fake apologies in order to be liked and accepted. And so, every time that Johnny does something that is wrong that angers other people, Johnny knows the way out is to apologize – and quickly. He doesn’t really think or care about how his words or actions have really affected other people or why he feels and believes what he does; his apology is motivated by his desire for approval, acceptance and security. He doesn’t want to disappoint the people around him; he wants to be liked.

No one has stopped to take the time and make the effort to ask Johnny why he did this and why he feels this way as a path to helping him learn and grow.

The same principle applies to adults and to celebrities and other public figures: Real change comes from new understanding and new perspectives – not by being forced or intimidated into saying something someone doesn’t truly mean, feel or believe.

A forced apology does not change the way a person really feels and it ultimately creates more harm than good.

There are times we say things out of anger that may not represent who we truly are, they might be out of character due to stress and intense emotions but forced political correctness, counterfeit language and bogus apologies only lead to more hatred and violence. When we suppress and repress our hatred and bigotry without exploring its roots, we simply create more resentment, anger, bitterness, hatred and contempt toward the very thing or people we hated in the first place. Hatred and bigotry of any kind, such as anti-Semitism cannot be eradicated by political correctness; it can only be corrected by discussion and not by silence or more lies with forced artificial or convenient apologies.

Would you want your partner to say ‘I am sorry and I love you’ if he or she does not mean either one?

Of course, not.

Real change comes from open conversation and exploration of the subconscious motivations, emotions and beliefs.

Imagine if Kobe Byrant, Chris Brown or Tracy Morgan were to come out publicly and say something along the lines of:

“Yes, I hate gay people. I always have. I grew up that way. I was taught in religion that gay people are evil. And I am afraid of them and I am afraid that I might be gay. I am simply afraid and uncomfortable around them because they are different and I don’t understand them. I feel threatened by people who are different and don’t believe the same things I do or don’t act the same way I do. I feel more comfortable being surrounded by people who are the same as me and I don’t feel we are the same; are we? When my dad was angry at me or if I did something wrong he would sometimes call me gay. My culture hates gay people…I am willing to change…”

From that point the real issue of hatred, bias, prejudice, bigotry and fear could be addressed, and any subsequent apology would have real meaning and real impact because real positive change comes from understanding, empathy and compassion. And compassion can only be achieved when we can feel someone else’s pain, and the only way to feel someone else’s pain is to try and understand him or her and what he or she thinks and feels. And this will never happen when we teach children and adults to become liars with forced, fake apologies.

Also read my article and newsletter: “Why don’t you change?”.

You can comment on this newsletter by visiting my blog or directly to this article.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
www.patrickwanis.com

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    Er says:

    Dr. Patrick Wanis,
    It is amazing your explaination on the subject of lying. I truly believe in finding the cause of the matter rather than a simple solution when there is more to the underlying problem. I never even thought about rationalizing the problem like you have. I believe I am a better person for having read your article and hope to implement your ideas if I can. Thanks for such an amazing article.

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