If He Doesn’t Love Me, Then I Am Worthless

In this week’s Success Newsletter,

The irrationality and painful consequences of the belief, “I absolutely must be loved by the person I love or I am worthless.”

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report. https://patrickwanis.com/breakup-test/

Your Subconscious Beliefs About Worthiness & Relationships – Law Of Deservedness
What do you believe you are worth? Are you worthy of healthy relationships, of being heard, respected and appreciated? Do you believe you are bad – do you suffer from guilt or shame? Do you set boundaries and place limits? Do you subconsciously believe you are good enough? Watch my video 

Now, let’s talk about the irrationality and painful consequences of the belief, “I absolutely must be loved by the person I love or I am worthless.”

No one welcomes the experience of rejection. However, what makes rejection more painful is the irrational beliefs we attach to the experience.

Let me explain.

Why do you choose to love this person but not the other?

You love him or her because he or she has lovable traits. And most likely once you choose to ‘love’ him or her, you also begin to attach your self-worth and value to that person. From there, you decide unconsciously that as long as he/she loves you back, then you are a good and worthwhile person.

But, alas, what happens when this person doesn’t love you back or chooses to betray you or leave you?

Suddenly, you have become worthless (in your own mind.)

You are overtaken by all sorts of emotions – anxiety, depression or anger, rage and vindictiveness.

How did this happen?

You created a belief that includes ‘should’ or ‘must’: He should love me (in this way) or I am no good; he must love me for me to believe and feel and experience that I am valuable, special and good enough. And if he doesn’t love me in the way I want and demand, then I know he is awful, life is awful, and I am nothing.

Anxiety – the feeling and belief that your world is out of control, coupled with the attempt to try to control that which you can’t – now arises!

The anxiety arises because you are trying to control things over which you have no control – the other person and their actions.

The depression or hopelessness enters because you have judged yourself as not good enough and so you isolate yourself perhaps with feelings of guilt and shame, believing that you missed the mark, you failed in some area, or all of your hard work to stay young, beautiful, attractive and successful failed, and, yet again, you conclude that you are not good enough.

“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.” – Epictetus (c.135)

The anger spews forth because you believe that the other person ‘must’ treat you fairly all the time and must be infallible.

The rage and vindictiveness overtake you because you believe that other people must do what you want them to do and they must do “the right thing” or else they are no good and they deserve to be punished.

The rage and vindictiveness overtake you because you believe that life should be fair, easy and always comfortable.

What is the theme or common thread here?

The beliefs that you create which, are actually irrational!

“Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things.” – Epictetus (c. 135)

Irrational beliefs are beliefs that don’t work because they are unrealistic.

It is unrealistic to believe that any one person in the world is perfect and infallible. It is unrealistic to believe that whomever you choose to love will reciprocate your feelings to the same level, manner, intensity or the way you desire, and will do so consistently for all time. They may even promise to do this but believing that they will is equally irrational; we are all imperfect and make mistakes. You don’t control or decide what actions other people will take.

Of course, you will experience some sorrow, regret, frustration and annoyance if your loved one rejects you or betrays you or disappoints you. However, what causes the actual pain to increase and overtake you is the added irrational beliefs such as, ‘If this significant person doesn’t love me, then life is awful and I’m worthless and unlovable.’

Again, these are irrational beliefs.

Review your beliefs; notice your words – your musts, shoulds, oughts and demands which formulate irrational beliefs. These beliefs can apply to yourself as well as to others i.e. I must be perfect; I must be successful; I must get everyone’s approval, etc.

Of course, we all prefer to be loved back, to be treated fairly and for life to be easy and swell. However, that is not the reality.

The solution is to move beyond the musts, shoulds and oughts, and instead move to acceptance – acceptance of self, acceptance of others and acceptance of things in life over which we have no control.

You can still choose to say, “No” to people in your life based on their actions; you can still decide what you will and won’t accept in your life; simply choose to change what you believe about yourself as a result of their actions. Don’t tie your self-worth to their actions. Make your beliefs rational by making them realistic – beliefs that actually work!

If you need extra help to release deeper issues, beliefs and perfectionism, book a one-on-one session with me.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist