Some people confuse love with obsession because they are both very intense emotions, and they are emotions of arousal. Some people believe that the intense desire to have the other person is a feeling of love when, in fact, it is obsession.
Obsession can also be driven by deep feelings of insecurity which we refer to as Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style. Attachment Style refers to the way you behave in a relationship. There are 4 different key attachment styles – 3 of them are insecure styles. I reveal information about attachment styles in my book, “Get Over Your Ex Now!” See further below for a summary of the insecure attachment style known as Anxious Preoccupied: You are self-critical and insecure – plagued with self-doubt. You constantly seek approval, and you fear rejection and abandonment. In relationships, you are needy, clingy, desperate and dependent on your partner for reassurances.
When you are consumed by thoughts about the other person, driven by a fear of loss or the fear that you’ve screwed up, and you’re thinking more about owning, controlling or possessing the other person, or you’re thinking more about how this person can benefit you or whether or not they will love you back rather than the love that you can express to them, then yes, you are experiencing obsession rather than love. In other words, if you’re focused more on getting your needs met rather than the way you can express love to the other person, then you are stuck in obsessiveness. Obsessiveness also has a destructive and disorganizing effect; one or both partners lose interest in other areas of life or forego responsibilities. Love is not self-destructive; obsessiveness is self-destructive!
Love is focused on wanting the best for the other person; obsession is focused on getting your needs met at all costs.
If you notice that you are in the obsession category i.e. feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and other fearful thoughts, then ask yourself, ‘Do I truly love this person or only think about what this person can do for me?’ Once you identify that you are driven by obsession rather than love, then it’s important for you to stop and consider what your childhood examples of love and relationships were. Did you also get your childhood needs met? From there I would suggest getting professional help so that your drive to connect and build a relationship is based on the desire to give and receive love rather than try to fill an inner emptiness.
***Anxious Attachment Style: Preoccupied
Action: Pulling towards intimacy with anxiety
Your primary attachment figure in childhood was inconsistent – sometimes nurturing and attentive, other times absent and inattentive or worse, was dominant, overly protective, discouraged risk-taking and independence, and was insensitive and intrusive.
You are self-critical and insecure – plagued with self-doubt. You constantly seek approval, and you fear rejection and abandonment. In relationships, you are needy, clingy, desperate and dependent on your partner for reassurances. You are hungry for relationships; you crave intimacy, and are often preoccupied with your relationships. You tend to be anxious about whether or not your partner will love you back and thus you react to minor changes in your partner’s moods or minor things that happen in the relationship. You often respond with anxiety, anger and/or melodrama when you feel that you are being ignored, rejected or not being loved back.
Unless you are consciously aware, you will find that you are subconsciously attracted to someone who is critical, inconsistent with their attention to you, or is insensitive, dominant or intrusive.
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.