In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the reasons that jealousy is not love, but rather jealousy is a curse.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalize advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
5 Reasons You’re Not Over Your Ex!
Are you over your ex or are you still craving your ex? What do you feel or believe that pushes you to want to be with or hang onto your ex? Here are 5 of 12 reasons that you’re not yet over your ex. Watch the video
Now, let’s talk about the reasons that jealousy is not love, but rather it is a curse.
In last week’s article on envy, I revealed the difference between jealousy and envy:
Envy is the pain caused by the burning desire to possess something that someone else has, often coupled with the feeling of inferiority and/or belief that you cannot or never will attain it.
Jealousy is the pain created by fear of losing something that you believe belongs to you.
As I will reveal, while both jealousy and envy are destructive, jealousy rapidly destroys love and relationships.
For jealousy to occur, only two things are required:
1. The belief of possession and ownership of something or someone
2. The burning and consuming fear of losing that ‘possession’ to someone else
And the more insecure the ‘possessor’ is, the greater the jealousy will be. Insecurity stems from the belief that one is not good enough, not deserving, not worthy of that thing or person that he actually fools himself into thinking he possesses.
Jealousy quickly becomes a tormentor and results in controlling, manipulative and destructive behavior.
When you believe that something belongs to you and only you, and when you start to feel that it is about to be robbed or taken away from you, you will tighten your grip on your possession until you finally suffocate all the life from it – all the life from him/her.
Notice what jealousy does to you:
* Feelings in your body – anxiety, sweating, heart-racing, tension, insomnia
* Thoughts in your mind – fear, worry (negative fantasizing), rumination, suspicions, nightmares
* Emotions in your heart – fear, anger, mistrust, doubt, hate, resentment, bitterness, defensiveness, offensiveness
* External behaviors – constant or high frequency texting, calling or emailing to check up on your partner’s whereabouts; suspicious and accusatory conversations; arguments; criticism, judgment, labeling, condemnation, accusations; attempts at controlling, diminishing or limiting the other person
“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy – in fact, they’re almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. Both at once can produce unbearable turmoil – I grok that was your trouble, Ben. When jealousy reared its ugly head, you couldn’t bear it – so you fled.”
– Stranger in a strange land, by Robert Anson Heinlein
Have you ever said, thought or heard someone say this:
“Aww, he is jealous; that means he really loves and desires me!”
No, he doesn’t love you, he wants to possess and control you and keep you carefully chained up because he doesn’t think he is worthy of you, and he will do everything he can to ensure that no one else can ever praise, compliment, give you attention or love you.
That is not equivalent to love!
“Jealousy is indeed a poor medium to secure love, but it is a secure medium to destroy one’s self-respect. For jealous people, like dope-fiends, stoop to the lowest level and in the end inspire only disgust and loathing.”
– Emma Goldman
Responses to jealousy
“Jealousy is said to be the offspring of Love. Yet, unless the parent makes haste to strangle the child, the child will not rest till it has poisoned the parent.”
– A.W. Hare and J.C. Hare
If you don’t strangle jealousy, it will poison you! Jealousy destroys trust and bonds in a relationship; it erodes the freedom of self-expression and results in resentment, bitterness and loathing toward the person who is reacting with jealousy.
There are times to fight for a relationship and to alert the other person that they are engaging in behavior that could lead them to cheat, stray or have an affair. However, discernment based on the insight that a particular behavior is taking someone down the wrong path which could destroy love and trust is very different from jealousy which only seeks to control and imprison the other person.
If you are the person experiencing jealousy, then ask yourself these questions:
Why am I trying to control the other person?
Why do I think that I am not good enough for him/her?
Why do I think that I am not lovable?
Why do I fear abandonment?
Whom did I see being jealous?
What was my first experience of betrayal? (Example: a parent cheating.)
What effect is this jealousy having on my partner/friend?
What is this jealousy doing to our relationship?
If I chose to believe I am good enough and worthy, how would I respond to my partner/friend?
Seek the help and support to overcome jealousy and to replace it with love, support, understanding, encouragement, validation, recognition and pride towards your partner!
Seek the help and support to overcome jealousy and to replace it with your authentic core essence – the real you – not the fearful, self-doubting version.
If you need personal help to overcome jealousy by getting to the root cause or if you want to get over your ex or believe that you are worthy and good enough, book a one-on-one session with me.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.