Lies, Lies, Lies

Lies, Lies, Lies

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to explore lies – why we lie, how we started lying and how to stop it.

First a quick update:

“Celebrity Drugs, Lies and Cheating”
Baseball star, A Rod admitted using steroids, Basketball Star, Dwayne Wade’s wife divorced him, originally citing adultery; Micheal Phelps was shown in a photo smoking marijuana from a bong and; R & B singer Chris Brown was arrested for allegedly attacking a woman believed to be Rihanna…Listen to the interview I gave to Russ Morley, News/Talk 850 WFTL when I reveal the psychological and emotional motivations of celebrities uncovering the link between their roots, upbringing, discipline, insecurities, morality, willpower and the exaggerated effects of money, fame and temptation.

To listen to my interview visit to Radio-Interviews

Now, let’s talk about the lies.

The dictionary defines a lie as: to speak falsely or utter untruth knowingly, as with intent to deceive; something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture: “His flashy car was a lie that deceived no one.”

It’s true that we all have told a lie at one time or another in our life; some bigger than others. Most of our lies began as children and you might be shocked to think about how you learned to lie. I say learned because everything we do is based on programming and responses to situations that later become habits.

The adults in our childhood lives unknowingly taught us to lie.

Here is one example, “Johnny, why did you take Sarah’s doll? Now give it back to her and say you are sorry…come one, do it, say you are sorry or I will send you to your room. You shouldn’t take other people’s things…” Of course, little Johnny doesn’t feel sorry and has no idea why he should be sorry, but to please his parents, to be obedient, and to avoid further punishment or pain, Johnny says, “I am sorry.”

Now, Johnny has been taught to lie, to say sorry, even when he doesn’t feel it; to say things he doesn’t mean nor believes. And this pattern will repeat itself into his teenage years.

Of course, if the parents could help Johnny to see the world through Sarah’s eyes and to feel her pain or disappointment, and to explain respect for other people’s property, then he might be feel compassion for her and say “I am sorry” or at least to come to some sort of sincere resolution and new understanding.

Instead, Johnny and Sarah have now been taught to speak falsely in order to achieve a result. They have also been taught to think that all you need to do to correct the situation is utter the words “I am sorry” or “I apologize.” They have not learned the lesson of how to correct the mistake or how to make amends.

We all do this, often apologizing when we don’t mean it, but there are more extreme examples of the destructive power of lies. In the interview I gave to Russ Worley on 850 WFTL, you also hear an excerpt from Alex Rodriguez at a press conference, where he admits using steroids and explains his reasoning: “I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time.”

I explained to Russ’ audience that Alex Rodriguez was actually telling the world that he didn’t feel good enough of the title or the salary he was receiving, and thus he lied.

To listen to my radio interview related to Lies & Cheating,  visit here.

How many of us have lied to prove something to someone, to impress someone or as the dictionary says to engage in “imposture” – the act of deception under an assumed name or identity?

What I am referring to here is our deeper subconscious motivations to lie:

Some of us fear that “If the other person sees and knows the real me, they won’t like me, they will reject me, won’t want to hang out with me, will find out that I am not that great or special or unique.” In other words, many of us are afraid of being unmasked as an impostor.(Read my Success Newsletter “Are you and impostor?” where I reveal insights into Charlie Sheen and the impostor syndrome).

Some of us lie to avoid drama, arguments or confrontation – we believe we cannot handle the emotional challenge or anxiety.

Some of us lie to impress someone in the hope of being accepted or even landing that new job.

Some of us lie for pure personal gain – selfishness or greed; trying to get the top faster because we don’t believe enough in our own talent and abilities to do it correctly.

Others of us lie because that is how we were taught to survive.

But it easy to become blinded by the cost of a lie. Once we start to lie, we can easily find ourselves caught up in a cycle of lying to cover up each previous lie.

A lie is one of the greatest wedges in a relationship. What we don’t realize is that once we lie, it is actually us who begins to shut down -emotionally and intimately because we create more fear in ourselves – the fear of being found out. We become more controlled in our actions, behaviors and words, we limit our free expression and we destroy the bond and connection in our relationship. Thus, even before we get found out, we are hurting ourselves because we can no longer be ourselves and subconsciously we will create guilt and shame and, in turn, we will subconsciously create the situation for us to be caught and/or punished.

For example, one girl I knew lied to cover up her betrayal of her boyfriend. Finally, when the excitement of the affair quickly ended she was left to face herself and her lies; she entered into deep depression and self-loathing. The act of being found out ended her relationship and left her with great loss, shame and regret.

Briefly, the key to stop lying is to become aware each time you are about to tell a lie and ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” Only when you face and deal with your fear and deeper motivation will you become empowered so that you can express your real self, regardless of other people’s responses and reactions.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist

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    Cher says:

    I think that the lying thing causes some big issues that creates a world wide view. It can cause a person’s dreams to suffer. For example, think about the Olympics and how it is someone’s dream to be in them someday but the thing that stops him or her is the thought that the judges might be paid off for someone else to win or one of the contestants lies about their age and makes the competition unfair. Or say someone wants to be an actor but his friend gets all the roles because he has family in the biz. We lie to ourselves to not go out in life to get what we want because we figure it isn’t worth it anyway. If everything is laced with ugliness and life is so unfair than our dreams will be crushed or won’t mean much when we do achieve them. It’s no wonder the news is so horrible. Relationships suck. Friendships are so few. And being lonely is normal.

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