In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to pose the question: “To love or be loved; which is our deepest longing?”
First a quick update:
“The worst mistake women make”
There is major mistake that women make when they enter into a relationship; they fall in love with the potential of a man – and in turn, waste energy trying to change him. So what mistake do men make? Read my article “Why don’t you change?”.
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Now, let’s talk about the question: “To love or be loved; which is our deepest longing?”
I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord – somebody – somebody
Can anybody find me –
Somebody to love?
– From the song “Somebody to love” by Queen
This verse obviously highlights the loneliness of not having someone with whom to share life. But, it also stresses the truth of our desire to love someone – to have someone to whom we can express and show our love.
When do you truly feel the most alive?
When do you feel all of your senses heightened?
When do you feel such extraordinary ecstasy and excitement about life?
The answer is: when you are in love; when you love someone.
Love gives us purpose.
Connection with others cannot occur unless we are feeling love for and expressing love to someone as well as also being loved by someone.
Thus, the answer to the question: “To love or be loved; which is our deepest longing?” is that our deepest longing is to love!
Stated another way, our deepest hidden desire is not to be loved but rather to love.
But if the above statement is true, then why do we withhold our love?
Why do we fear expressing love?
We also fear being rejected.
However, when we fear rejection, we don’t simply fear that the other person will reject us; we fear that the other person will reject our love and then we will conclude and feel that we are worthless.
The single factor that determines whether or not we choose to express love is the extent that we feel that our love is significant.
And if you have experienced betrayal or rejection, then the pain associated with that is again about the perception that your love is not special or significant. Remember, that in almost every case of betrayal and infidelity, the person that experiences the betrayal subconsciously blames him or herself and concludes that there is something wrong with him/her and that he/she is not good enough. Victims of abuse do the same thing – they blame themselves. Read my article “It’s not your fault”.
Here is another way to understand that our perception and belief about the value of our love determines whether or not we will express our love. Consider this: if you had in your hands a cure for cancer, would you hide it or would you share it with the world?
You would obviously share it with the world.
Because you recognize it is valuable and special; it can make a difference in people’s lives.
However, if you felt that you had nothing of value to offer, nothing special to share, then you would simply hold back and shut down.
Do you feel that you have something special and valuable to offer?
In other words, do you feel and believe that your love is special, valuable and can bring joy to someone?
If you don’t, then you will shut down, hide, become depressed, become angry or suffer from anguish, or you will seek out people to convince you that your love is special.
The challenge with seeking people to convince you that your are special is that you will most likely approach love and relationships from a place of neediness and desperation and that will either turn off people or it will result in people rejecting you because you don’t think you are good enough. Read my article about “Needy Love”.
So what are the blocks to recognizing that one’s love is special?
It is summed up as shame.
It is shame that causes us to shut down and conclude that we are not good enough or we are to blame or that there is something wrong with us. Read my article “Shame and worthiness – 4 tips to overcome shame”.
Only when shame and guilt can be released can we feel safe to trust, be intimate and express fully our love.
Of course, we also need to be loved, to feel someone else’s love for us as that, too, is part of connection and relationship. But remember, no one will ever love you more than you love yourself because you won’t allow them; if they try you will sabotage it.
Begin to express love to yourself so you can express it to others.
And if you need help to release shame, guilt or blame, consider a one-on-one private session with me. Watch the video here:
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.