In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the twelve most important words in a marriage or any relationship; words that can lead to the happiness, health and longevity of a relationship.
First a quick update:
“How important is space in a relationship?”
Read the interview I gave in latest issue of InTouch Weekly magazine about Katie Holmes’ desire for more space from husband Tom Cruise. Also read my words about Patrick Swayze’s inspirational response to Cancer in the latest issue of “The National Enquirer”;
“Hypnosis doubles the success of IVF Treatments”
Researchers at Soroka University in Israel found that 28% of woman in the group that were hypnotized became pregnant compared to 14% of those were not hypnotized. I have created a special 15-minute guided visualization that reduces stress, giving suggestions to the subconscious mind that can impact the workings of the body and improve fertility. Download my gift now and send your friends there as well.
Now, let’s talk about the power of words and the twelve most important words in any relationship.
A history of marriage reveals that its origins were primarily to protect property and bloodlines. For example, Ancient Hebrew law required that if a man dies, then his brother should marry the widow – his sister in law. (Deuteronomy 25:5, Genesis 38:8-10.) In other words, marriage wasn’t always based around love. PsychologyToday.com claims that in the US, at the end of the 17th century, “Protestant ministers warn spouses against loving each other too much, or using endearing nicknames that will undermine husbandly authority.” Thus, in the 21st century, as marriage has evolved to be a union based primarily around love, matters have become vastly more complicated; and arguments now arise regarding even the gender of the marital union.
When marriage was based on property rights, inheritance, power and keeping the family name alive, matters were somewhat simpler. Today, the desire to keep the romance, and love alive in the marriage warrants specific strategies that were unnecessary in a relationship where love didn’t matter.
So, what are the twelve magic words that can empower, elevate and ensure the longevity of a marriage and any relationship?
In 1976, Elton John wrote in his famous song, “That sorry seems to be the hardest word.” But there is something even harder for most of us to say:
“I was wrong.”
Why are these simple words so hard for us to say to someone we care about?
Three possible reasons:
- Our ego wants us to be right – always!
- We falsely believe that we are inferior or damaged if we admit we made an error
- We feel that we will lose our power or control in the relationship
First, we often confuse being right and being happy. Our ego has more interest in being right than being happy, thinking that our identity is forever shattered if we were to be wrong. Ego, in this case refers to that part of us that has an unhealthy and exaggerated sense of importance.
Second, admitting you made a mistake or that you did something wrong, does not make you a wrong, flawed or damaged person. We can separate the action from the person. In other words, even if you did something bad, that doesn’t turn you into a bad person forever. Truly grasping this concept also helps you to forgive yourself and others as well as giving others a second chance when appropriate.
Third, the need to control a partner in a relationship stems from insecurity and the fear that they might leave us.
When you learn to simply and sincerely admit that you were wrong, you disarm the other person; you neutralize the tension and potential argument or rift. Honesty and vulnerability not only deepen the connection, they inspire greater trust and respect in the relationship and actually help the other person to feel safe with you and admit when he or she too, is wrong.
The next most important words are: “I am sorry.”
In Spanish, the expression, “I am sorry” translates to “Lo siento” which literally means “I feel it.” Saying you are sorry, signifies that you understand that you have wronged or hurt someone, that you regret your actions because you value the person and relationship. When you say, “I am sorry” you express vulnerability but show courage and strength of character. A sincere, heartfelt and empathetic apology inspires forgiveness but does not guarantee it – nor should you expect it. When you say sorry, you are saying it for the other person, recognizing, acknowledging and admitting that your actions or lack of had an adverse effect on the other person. When spoken appropriately, these words can heal a relationship and neutralize shame, humiliation, hurt, offense and insult.
The next most important words are: “Please forgive me.”
While “I am sorry” is about the other person’s feelings, saying “Please forgive me” is about you. Asking for forgiveness signifies that you want to heal the relationship and you want to be given another chance, you want the other’s person’s love, friendship, partnership or relationship.
It is natural that the majority of us would say that the most important words in any relationship are: “I love you.” But they are not. Imagine if your partner cheats, betrays, hurts or wrongs you in some way, and then simply responds with “But I love you” all the while never saying, “I was wrong, I am sorry and please forgive me.” it’s true that generally, the words, “I love you” are very important to a woman, and she wants the man to be the first to say it. However, some women (and men) don’t place as much emphasis on the words as they do on the actions. In other words, some people prefer love to be expressed in various forms other than words – a kiss, a gift, a gesture, etc. Nonetheless, I would encourage you to find the strength and overcome past programming, habit or fear and use the words, “I love you” particularly when they are least expected.
Finally, it is critical to note that when using any of the “12 most important words” that you be consciously aware of voice tonality and intention i.e. why are you saying the words and do you truly mean them? Are they from the heart? These words have no power when they come from manipulation or fear and not the heart. Further, if you would like to learn more about the process – seven steps to asking for forgiveness, read my archived newsletter: “Asking for forgiveness.” And if you need to forgive someone, including yourself, use my “Get over it” hypnosis CD or package.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.