In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal insights into relationship readiness, timing and ‘the wrong person.’
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
Your Subconscious Beliefs About Worthiness & Relationships
Your life and relationships mirror your subconscious beliefs. What do you believe you are worth? Are you worthy of healthy relationships, of being heard, respected and appreciated? Watch my video
Now, let’s talk about insights into relationship readiness, timing and ‘the wrong person.’
John was eager to enter a committed relationship and he felt ready. He knew he wanted children. He met Alison at an event and they had great chemistry, seemed highly compatible, and they had shared values.
However, Alison had a young child less than 2 years old and she had just recently broken up with her husband because he had cheated on her.
I cautioned John to be careful because there is a strong chance that this is bad timing: “She is not really ready to commit to another relationship, particularly when she has not even divorced let alone fully grieved the loss of the marriage, as well as the trauma of the infidelity and betrayal.”
John was strongly attracted and enjoyed her company and friendship so much that he pursued her.
Alison did say she wanted the same things as John, and yet again, I reminded him that she has a lot to process: she may not even be consciously aware of what she is experiencing; she may be in denial stage.
Her divorce came through and just a few months later, they broke up. Alison was not ready for another serious relationship. She had too many things to deal with at one time.
John was deeply hurt and he felt rejected, bitter, angry and frustrated. She had, after all, told him that she loves him.
Was it bad timing for John and Alison? Was Alison the wrong person?
The term bad timing refers to relationship readiness which refers to being able to handle a relationship.
In my free online Breakup Test, more than 3,000 men and women have shared insights into their relationship breakups thus far. Both men and women cite “bad timing” as one of the top 5 reasons their relationship ended.
Timing does matter because it means that you or your partner feel that they can handle a relationship at this point.
Bad timing means one of you is not relationship ready. Perhaps one of you is ready to date but not ready to commit to a relationship.
5 Factors Affecting Timing
Before entering into any relationship or even dating casually become very clear about who you are and what you want; what are your values and what are your needs?
Next get clear about the factors that impact relationship readiness and whether or not your partner is the right person or not.
1. Priorities & Life Stages
What are your priorities regarding job, career, building wealth, family, and so forth? Perhaps you want to travel the world.
What are your partner’s priorities? Perhaps location and career are the priorities. John’s priority was the relationship and creating a family; Alison’s soon became her process of grieving.
2. External Commitments/Responsibilities
Are you taking care of a sick family member? Do you have commitments such as completing education which in turn, take up your time and energy? Do you have children? How young are they? They will become the priority.
Ask the same questions of your partner.
3. Attachment Fears & Insecurities
Are you afraid of emotional intimacy? Do you run or close-up when you become emotionally close to someone? What about your partner? Is either one of you relationship avoidant (Attachment Avoidant)?
Another variation of this fear is known as “Dismissive” – the person who dates you but says “I don’t need a relationship.” Beware! He or she will run or sabotage the relationship.
How much attention, time and energy do you need from your partner? Can he/she fulfill those needs? Is he/she willing to fulfill those needs? How fast do you wan the relationship to progress? Communicate clearly what you want and what you need!
Remember, readiness to date is very different from readiness to commit or build a life together.
4. Fear of Remaining Single
Some people will enter into a relationship because they are afraid of remaining single – ‘being left on the shelf.’ The timing pushes someone into a relationship (and sometimes a marriage) but it turns out this is the wrong person because they are not really ready for a relationship with you, they just want to make sure they are not single.
5. Patterns of Trauma/Heartbreak
I believe everyone has experienced a painful relationship. Do you have a pattern of heartbreak, an unfulfilling relationship or perhaps a former partner who was demanding, needy, controlling or abusive? If so, then you will not be relationship ready or you will enter cautiously, jaded, suspiciously or controlling, and these such mindsets will undermine the relationship.
If you have recently become single, then similar to Alison from the story above, you might not be aware that you are not relationship ready.
If you experienced trauma in childhood, you need to first deal with this matter before bringing it into a relationship; the trauma can result in fleeing or sabotaging the relationship.
The Right and Wrong Person
John was truly heartbroken because he was confused and felt betrayed by Alison. “She is the right person, and she told me she loves me, and we are so compatible,” he told me.
‘Don’t confuse personality, character and values with timing – being relationship ready, John. If she isn’t in the right place and space mentally, emotionally and in a compatible stage of life, then she won’t be relationship ready and, therefore, she isn’t the right person!’
If you need help to get over an ex or to get clear about what you want or heal a past trauma, book a one-on-one session with me.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.