Focusing On The Bad Destroys Relationships

In this week’s Success Newsletter, 

In all relationships, the destructive or negative things you do has greater impact and effect than the positive or constructive things you do.

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

The 4 Secrets To A Great Relationship

Passion, Intimacy and Commitment are critical to a long-lasting relationship. And there is one more. Yes, four qualities stood out from a survey of 5,000 respondents by Relate UK. Watch my video 

Now, let’s talk about the ways that the destructive or negative things you do has greater impact and effect than the positive or constructive things you do in relationships.

Which of these two do you think affects you more intensely: praise or criticism?
What do you spend more time thinking about in relationships at home and at work: the good or the bad?

Unfortunately, we are hardwired to respond to the negative, to the criticism. This phenomenon known as the negativity bias exists in our brain because it is a way of keeping you alert to deadly threats but today it impacts and infects the way you see life and the way you respond to it.

Accordingly, negative comments and criticism provokes you to respond harshly, and to easily forget all the good that exist in your relationships.

And suddenly in a flash, your partner looks completely different; perhaps you withdraw or you become hostile.

In a study conducted by Kentucky University, psychologists identified 4 primary ways that people respond to issues or problems, and they found that the negative has a much larger and stronger impact on us than does the positive.

1. Express Loyalty to your partner and relationship

Passive Constructive response: Let it slide, hope that things will improve; supporting the partner in the face of criticism

2. Use Your Voice to express feelings and focus on a solution

Active Constructive response: Communicate what bothers you, focus on a compromise or solution; seek professional help/counseling, change oneself

3. Demonstrate Neglect towards your partner

Passive Destructive response: Silent treatment, refuse to discuss issue or simply say nothing; ignore or emotionally or physically withdraw from your partner; worse, insult or criticize partner

4. Begin To Exit the relationship

Active Destructive response: Head for the door, separate or divorce; abuse partner or threaten to break up.

“It is not so much the good, constructive things that partners do or do not do for one another that determines whether a relationship ‘works’ as it is the destructive things that they do or not do in reaction to problems.” – Caryl Rusbult, PhD, psychologist and researcher at Kentucky University.

In other words, the destructive responses in relationships are much more powerful than the constructive responses. We learn more from setbacks and penalties than we do from successes and rewards: we respond to the painful more than to the joyful experiences.

“The reason long‑term relationships are so difficult is that sooner or later one person is liable to be negative for so long that the other one starts to respond negatively too. When that happens, it’s hard to save the relationship.”

The greatest predictor of the longevity of a relationship is the way you deal with problems and the negative things – doubts, frustrations, annoyances, insecurities. How do you react to the problems in your relationships at work and at home? Do you project your self-doubt onto others? Are you a jealous person who becomes controlling and possessive? Are you constantly in fear of being betrayed? Are you sensitive to rejection and therefore you respond harshly and thus push away your partner?

Avoid the negative; you might be highly intelligent and know what to say, but, are you wise enough to keep quiet and instead look for a constructive way to solve the problem and maintain the relationship?

If you need help to overcome fear of rejection, insecurities or past relationships and traumas, book a one-on-one session with me.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist