When You Compare Yourself To Others, Good And Bad Happen

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal the dangers and benefits when you compare yourself to others.

First a quick update: 

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When you compare yourself to others, you are also consciously and unconsciously evaluating yourself. The results can be great or devastating.

When you were a child, to whom did you compare yourself?

Probably, cousins and other kids in your neighborhood, and later, kids at school. As you grew older and were introduced to social media, your circle of exposure and potential comparison expanded to be global. Now, you can compare yourself to literally billions of people all around the world.

The Good When You Compare Yourself To Others

Comparison is needed to develop skills and strategies, to set standards and to learn from others.

When you compare yourself to others, to someone whose qualities you admire, it might inspire you to become a better person – to be kinder, more emotionally intelligent, more loving, empathetic, forgiving, and compassionate. In some cases, comparing yourself with others can help you to awaken to your potential, or motivate you to grow by establishing a role model or ideal for yourself.

The Bad When You Compare Yourself To Others

Comparison is a thief of happiness when it leads to rumination and feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, bitterness, resentment, or envy.

When you compare yourself to others ‘above you’ and you view them as superior to you in skills, intelligence, relationships, wealth, money, possessions, success, happiness, influence, youth, looks, luck, and so forth, then there is a high probability that you will end up feeling resentful, bitter, envious, depressed, and perhaps hopeless or nihilistic. You might even seek to bring them down.

When you compare yourself to others ‘below you’ and you view them as inferior to you in any or all the areas listed above, then there is a high probability that you will end up feeling better about yourself (at least until such time as you compare yourself with others above you.) However, looking down on people and even celebrating their misfortune and/or misery (schadenfreude) makes you bitter, mean-spirited, callous, lacking in empathy, and it repels people rather than drawing them closer to you.  (See the study: Social comparison and negative self-evaluations: An application to depression – Stephen R. Swallow, Nicholas A. Kuiper, 1988.)

A good leader in any area of life can never be one who demonstrates schadenfreude.

Good Advice or Bad Advice? – “Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday, Not To Who Someone Else Is Today”

In his book, “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos”, psychologist Jordan Peterson presents “Rule 4: Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday, Not To Who Someone Else Is Today.”

However, this is an all-or-nothing principle which fails in many contexts. If you “Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday”, you might actually feel a lot worse. Perhaps you are not as strong, energetic, good looking, desirable or, healthy as you were yesterday. Perhaps, you are not as wealthy or influential as you were yesterday. Perhaps, the pandemic negatively impacted your health, lifestyle, job, career or finances, and now, you are worse off than yesterday. Perhaps there has been illness, death or other loss in your life. Further, compare the freedoms you (and all of us) had yesterday versus the ever-shrinking freedoms of today.

Anthony Robbins in an interview said that happiness is about making progress which is similar to Peterson’s admonition to compare yourself to who you were  yesterday and thus, measure your progress. Does that infer, therefore, that a person who loves what he does, what he has and who he is without comparing himself to yesterday or measuring progress cannot be happy?

Of course, if you have had a serious accident, illness or setback, and if it is possible to advance and make progress, then it makes sense to encourage yourself by comparing yourself to who you were yesterday as you make daily improvements. But if there is permanent impair or loss, then comparing yourself to yesterday and realizing that you are worse off, will not benefit you. How can a parent whose child died from illness or was murdered or committed suicide compare him or herself to yesterday?

How Do You Compare Yourself To Others In A Healthy Way?

Approach the concept and action of comparing yourself with others with balance and harmony: It is okay to compare yourself with others in specific areas of your life if you have the Growth Mindset: You believe that you can learn, grow and be inspired and motivated when you compare yourself to others.

It is not okay to compare yourself with others in any area of your life if you have the limited or Fixed Mindset: You believe you are limited, inadequate, and worthless when you compare yourself to others.

How Can You Know Which Areas Of Life To Compare Yourself To Others?

What do you value? What is in your control?

It is up to you to get clear about what you value, what is important to you, and ‘why.’

Why do you want what he/she has, is or does? Why do you want to make progress in this area but not that one?

Which areas are beneficial for you to engage in comparison with others so that you can grow and improve?

“What upsets people is not things themselves, but their judgements about these things.”

Epictetus

The Stoic philosophers taught that your formula to happiness is to enjoy the present moment, be satisfied with what you have; do not compare yourself with others, and focus only on what you can control, particularly your thoughts and judgments. 

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing.”

Seneca

Consider what truly matters to you; in which areas do you want to improve? What is within your control?

When you compare yourself to others, there will always be someone who on the outside seems to have what you want or desire (even though you don’t know their full story.) All that matters is what you choose to believe about yourself, your self-worth, and if you can be happy with what you have and the attainable goals or improvements you seek.

If you need help to break away from unhealthy relationships or to be set free from the past, from pain, abuse, hurts or disappointments, do what so many others have done: Resolve it rapidly and be set free of the pain with my SRTT process. Book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist