In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to ask a simple question: “Who told you that you can succeed?”
First a quick update:
“Cheating – ego & immaturity”
Listen to the in depth interview I gave to “Cosmolicious with Diana Falzone” on Sirius Radio about the causes behind cheating and the links between power, ego, immaturity, low self-esteem and cheating. I also explore who cheats more – men or women? And if a person cheats once, will they do it a second time? What are the traits of a cheater?
Now, let’s talk about the significance and consequences of the answer to the question: who told you that you could succeed?
In my success newsletter, “Praising and criticizing others”, I explained the reasons people criticize and don’t praise. I introduced readers to a cultural phenomenon native to Australia, known as the Tall-Poppy Syndrome: When we see a tall-poppy, a flower that stands out, high above the rest of us, shining and catching the wind and sun and rain, we tend to cut it down; criticize, condemn, judge and mock it. Sometimes we even sabotage it.
In fact, I recall growing up in Australia and noticing that many people were hesitant of owning a great or luxurious car because of the fear that others would vandalize it – scratch it. In the US, it’s called keying a car – running a key across the car to spoil and destroy the paint. I remember when I was just 19, a friend of mine sold his Porche because he got tired of people either keying it or cutting open the convertible top just to steal the stereo player.
I always recognized that this action of sabotage and cutting down something bigger than us came from jealousy but I never fully understood its implications or deeper motivations until many years later when I began to study human behavior and success.
The primary motivation behind the Tall-Poppy Syndrome is the feeling that we are small and inadequate. We think there is something wrong with us and we respond with fear. We fear that maybe we can never be that good, never be, do or have what others have. We look at ourselves and feel that we are lacking something, that we can never ever become as tall as that tall poppy. So what do we do to avoid feeling that pain, we try to cut down the tall poppy in the hope that we might accept our mediocrity.
But also underneath that motivation to cut down the tall poppy is the deeper belief that we are not allowed to succeed and that we are not deserving of success. Thus, we also cut ourselves down when we succeed.
In almost every case with every client and with every issue that they first mention, the deeper work we do reveals that the greatest stumbling block to love, joy, success and happiness is the subconscious belief that he or she is not good enough, not deserving.
Those beliefs, which form in our early years, are often instigated by words by adults and peers such as “Who do you think you are? That’s not for you! You’ll never do that. You’re a loser. You’re stupid. You’re ugly, etc.” Those beliefs are also formed by the actions we witness by our parents – they struggled or worked hard just to get by or they hoarded or acted miserly, etc. Those beliefs are also formed by childhood experiences – not getting enough attention, love, affection, approval or even the gifts and stuff that other kids had. Sometimes, as adults, we even feel guilty if we are doing better than our parents did.
Ultimately, this is summed up as the belief that we are not allowed to succeed and we do not deserve to succeed.
But who decided that?
We might argue that it was our parents who decided for us that it is not OK to succeed; that we never got their permission. But now, as adults, who will make that decision for us? Will you still allow your parents to determine how you will live your life? Do you truly believe that they would not want you to succeed even if they came from a poverty mentality where they too, don’t feel like they deserve success, plagued by low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority and suffering?
So, yes, the answer is obvious – you must give yourself permission to succeed and you must believe that you are good enough – deserving.
Eben Pagan is considered one of the most successful marketing experts and entrepreneurs in the world today, specializing in online marketing and strategy. Starting his online business in 2001 from his bedroom, he’s grown his company entirely online to doing over $25 million in revenue per year — all with no physical office. He runs his organization 100% virtually, and has over 80 full-time employees around the world. So what are Eben Pagan’s secrets?
Eben says that the key is to believe that you deserve success and give yourself permission to succeed which support my teachings around the Law of Deservedness.
These are the two affirmations that Eben has used for years:
- I deserve all the success that I can attract
- I give myself permission to succeed
You need to appoint yourself to become successful. You cannot wait for anyone else to do it for you.
The big question is how does one do that? How does one accomplish that?
Unless you have access and opportunity to someone such as myself to work with you on a subconscious level to let go of the old beliefs then start here:
- What you heard and saw as a child about being good enough
- The way you felt as a child about living out your dreams
- How you feel when you experience success
- The reasons you feel that you don’t deserve success
- The reasons you feel that you do deserve success
- What would it be like if you gave yourself permission to succeed?
The answers to each of the above questions should be at least a paragraph. For example, when answering question 6, “What would it be like if you gave yourself permission to succeed?” don’t just write “awesome or great.” Instead, list how you would feel in detail, what you would gain and the many ways your life would change. Focus on the feeling of permission being granted for you to live the way you want and the feeling of worthiness.
Step number seven is to take action and change the people with whom you hang out.
Do your friends and colleagues support you? Do they praise and encourage you? Do they want your dreams to come alive? Or, are they the nay-sayers? Would they cut down the tall poppy? If you were to get that car, would they key it? And if they didn’t key it, would they “key” you? Would they scratch, spoil, sabotage, condemn, criticize or mock you?
Remember, if they are jealous or fearful, then they won’t support you. When you hang around people who believe in getting excited over other people’s success, then they too, will impact you and your beliefs. They, too, will help you to shift to a belief of deservedness and permission to succeed.
The key here is to look for people who are more successful than you are or at least have the mindset that you desire and then begin to find ways to spend time with them.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
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Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.