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Why Do You Want Them To Change? Here Are Seven Reasons

trying to change people; change husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, codependency, relationship advice,

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal the 7 reasons you want them to change – you want someone to change.

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Seven Reasons You Want Them To Change

I understand. Truly. I do. You want someone to change. Yes. I know; there are 7 reasons you want them to change.

1. There is something about them you don’t like; something they do that you don’t like. Perhaps you want to change the way they treat you.

2. Perhaps, you are wise enough to see that they could be so much more; they could be better; they could reach their potential…if only they would…change! This is the reason most women want men to change!

Wait a minute. There is more.

3. Perhaps you see that if they change, then you will feel better about yourself. After all, you will feel significant and proud of yourself because you helped them to change. Perhaps you will feel powerful for helping them to change.

4. Perhaps you think that your role and purpose in life is to make a difference in the world, and therefore, when you help them to change, you will be fulfilling your purpose.

Wait. There is still more.

5. Perhaps you believe that when they change, you will be free of guilt. After all, you think it is your fault for the way they are, and if you could help them to change, then, you too, would be released, and you would feel more valuable. Women in abusive relationships believe the abuse is their fault!

Wait. There is still more.

6. Perhaps you want them to change, to desperately change, so that you don’t have to focus on you, or what is happening with you, or what you need to change about yourself. It is almost the perfect escape – expend your energy on changing them, and you won’t have to face yourself or your pain.

7. Perhaps, you just want them to change because you were taught that no one is ever good enough, and everyone must be criticized and encouraged or forced to change!

So, how are you doing?

What is your success rate?

Whom have you tried to change? For how long have you been trying to change them?

You Want Them To Change But How much have they changed?

That’s okay. I already know the answer.

You have failed, haven’t you.

You have tried and tried, and you have threatened and cried, and screamed, and you are still so frustrated – perhaps truly exhausted. Why won’t they change?

You feel like a failure – helpless, hopeless, weak, stupid, foolish, and powerless. Now, you are even blaming yourself because you cannot and have not been able to get them to change.

I understand. Why? Because I was just like you. I wanted to change so many people around me.

Once upon a time I wished that my parents had been different: I wished that my mother were more nurturing, and my father were more of a compassionate guide and teacher. But that is not who they were.

Once upon a time, I tried to change so many girlfriends – I tried to rescue them. I failed every time.

Then one day I awoke! I realized that I cannot change anyone.

It is just so challenging and difficult to change myself. I cannot control others. I cannot make them be what I want them to be or even what I think they could be.

It is true that I can influence people (we affect or infect people.) But I cannot change them.

If they come to me and ask for help and tell me they want to change, and if I have the techniques – the tools and strategies to change – then I can assist and support them to change. But I cannot make them change simply because I think they should or because I said so.

It is true that you and I all need people around us to call us out when we are straying or doing the wrong thing; we need people to encourage us and to believe in us; we need people who truly care and support us. But those people cannot make you or I change; they can shine the light and show you the path, but again, they cannot make you change – the same way you cannot make others change.

Instead, focus on accepting what you cannot change; focus on accepting that you cannot change people. And if you cannot accept those particular people because they do not align with your values, your vision or your mission or purpose, then let them go! Surround yourself with people who are on the same path and who walk their talk. Surround yourself with people who share your values and want the same things out of life.

If you would like to help to let go of people in your life, to be more accepting and compassionate towards yourself or to overcome codependency, depression, anxiety, stress or to be set free from trauma or some other painful event, do it now gently, easily, and quickly with my SRTT process. Book an SRTT session and be set free from the past.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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