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You Cannot Control Her

You Can't Control Her - anxiety
You Can’t Control Her

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how the attempt to control another backfires, and would like to offer a simple remedy.

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalize advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

How Ugly Arguments with Your Partner Can Open the Door to Disease
Constant confrontation with your partner isn’t just bad for your relationship, it’s bad for your health. Read my quotes and insights on 

14 Ways To Escape A Narcissist or Toxic Relationship
Criticism, contempt, condemnation, stonewalling, silent treatment, defensiveness, manipulation, control and/or any form of abuse – mental, emotional, physical form a toxic relationship. Watch the video 

Now, let’s talk about how the attempt to control another backfires, and offer a simple remedy.

A client of mine was frantic because he wanted to know the reasons why his Ex had broken up with him – more than 6 months ago.

It makes sense that you want to know the reasons that something has ended. Perhaps those reasons can help you in future relationships. And, of course, getting the answer to the question “Why?” can also often result in closure.

However, you cannot expect to always get the answers you want, and you must expect that you might hear something you didn’t want to really hear; perhaps the truth will not be what you wanted to hear.

Nonetheless, the constant attempt to try to get answers out of someone can also be a form of control.

And the only reason anyone wants to control anything is to try to guarantee an outcome. Therefore, if you’re trying to control him or her that’s because you think that unless you control and manipulate you won’t get the outcome you want.

Thus, your real motivation is fear.

Alternatively, perhaps you were raised in a chaotic household and you were afraid of pain unless you held onto control; perhaps, you were raised with the responsibility of being in control, or with the expectation to care for or be in charge & control of others.

And you agreed to do that to gain significance or to get love, attention and approval.

So again, if you are trying to control her, you are doing it out of fear: ‘I am not safe unless I am in control…this is the only way I know to get love…I fear not being loved or being rejected unless I am in control.’

And the more you try to control the other person, the more they’ll resist or the more you will destroy them along with the love and affection they had for you.

When you try to control someone, you are saying, ‘I don’t like who you are; I want you to change, and I want you to be who I want you to be; I only want you to act the way I want you to act.’

This is control, manipulation and conditional love!

You cannot say that you love someone and at the same time try to control or manipulate them, even if you argue it’s for their own benefit.

A parent who has authority over a child can argue ‘I’m trying to guide and control this child in his or her best interests’, but even that has a limit because the control in the form of guidance could still be detrimental to the child if it goes against who the child innately is or if it teaches them conditional love.

Ponder for a moment how hard it is for a parent to control a child. Now consider how much harder it is for you to control your own emotions and thoughts. Therefore, how do you think it is even possible to control another human being, particularly an adult?

Accordingly, consider the real reasons you want to control anyone in your life, particularly a romantic partner:

Of what are you afraid? Are you afraid of rejection? Are you afraid she will leave you, not love you or not be loyal to you? Are you afraid you’re not good enough for her? Are you afraid that you can’t satisfy her? Are you afraid that if she expresses all of herself, all of her desires and dreams, that you’ll be left out, that those dreams and desires won’t include you, or that you cannot satisfy or fulfill her?

As I explained to my client, people do things for their own reasons and it’s not always about you. Further, sometimes you cannot get the exact answers that you expect or expected. And the more that you push and pull to try to get these answers, the more obsessive your behavior becomes and eventually your desires control you, and you end up in a state of self-perpetuating anxiety.

You are fooling yourself into thinking that you control everything and that the world revolves around you.

All children are egocentric – they falsely believe that they are the center of the universe and that they cause and create everything around them – particularly the responses of their caretakers. But you’re not a child, the world doesn’t revolve around you, and you don’t cause other people’s choices or reactions.

Practice accepting the things you can’t control, learn from past mistakes and focus on only the things you can control. You cannot control anyone else and if ever the thought comes across your mind of wanting to control someone else, again remind yourself how painful it feels when someone else is trying to control you!

Accept the things you cannot control and know that you are okay the way you are. You will be okay. You are safe and will be loved!

If you need personal help and guidance to get over an ex, to let go of being a control freak or to get to the root cause of your issue – book a one-on-one session with me. 

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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