In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to discuss a simple yet powerful teaching which can save you a lot of pain and heartbreak and reveal the 5 reasons you are probably making a big mistake.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, hung up, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalize advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
Ariana Grande, Mac Miller, and Why We Blame Women for Male Substance Abuse
Blaming a woman for her partner’s self-harm isn’t just cruel, it’s symptomatic of our culture’s biggest problems. Read my quotes and insights
20 Signs You Are Being Gaslighted! Psychological Abuse by Narcissists & Sociopaths
Criticism, contempt, condemnation, stonewalling, silent treatment, defensiveness, manipulation, control and/or any form of abuse – mental, emotional, physical form a toxic relationship. Watch the video
Now, let’s talk about a simple yet powerful teaching which can save you a lot of pain and heartbreak and reveal the 5 reasons you are probably making a big mistake.
“My dear, when people show you who they are, why don’t you believe them? Why must you be shown 29 times before you can see who they really are? Why can’t you get it the first time?”
Maya Angelou shared these words of wisdom to Oprah Winfrey about character and relationships.
How long does it take before you can admit to yourself who this person in your life really is?
He or she showed you or told you early in the friendship or relationship, and yet you chose to ignore the signs, their behavior and their words!
You have a friend who either lies or speaks badly to you about his or her friends, and yet you’re shocked when you find out that that that same person just did the same thing about you to your friends – lying and speaking badly about you.
If someone gossips most of the time, then why would you be surprised that they are gossiping about you?
Your boyfriend told you that the last relationship ended because he cheated on his girlfriend and now he promises to never do it again. Why are you surprised that he now cheats on you?
You knew that this person you’re about to hire had stolen from his company, and yet you think he won’t do it to you because he will be working for you.
Your new friend Jackie admits that she cheated on her husband with another married man; why do you think that she is going to be different around your husband and not try to have an affair with him?
You already know because he told you that he was violent towards his last girlfriend, blaming her, and yet you believe that he’s never going to be violent towards you, because you think you can change him.
And this is the first of the 5 key reasons that people generally refuse to accept, and thus blindly deny what they see in front of them, and what they know about a person.
5 Key reasons why when someone shows you who they are, you don’t believe them :
1. You love to play The Rescuer
Women fall in love with the potential of a man and they want to rescue, change or tame the bad boy or the lost or angry or confused man. Of course, that never works out, and eventually he does the same thing to you.
2. You suffer from Optimism Bias – It will never happen to me
Do you ignore labels and warning signs?
This is the phenomenon whereby you believe “It will never happen to me, that couldn’t happen to me, or that person would never do that to me.” This is known as Optimism Bias – the belief that you will experience only good outcomes – because you are choosing to disregard the reality of this person’s words, actions and behavioral patterns. You think you are completely immune from any potential negative effects, particularly when referring to relationships.
3. Law of Deservedness – You don’t think you deserve better
Do you truly believe that you deserve to be treated better? You do consciously, and you might even say it consciously, but subconsciously you don’t believe that you are good enough or worthy. I refer to this as The Law of Deservedness, a phrase I coined and a phenomenon I identified in 2006, “You only get what you subconsciously feel and believe you deserve, and no more. If you do get more, you will sabotage it, push it away or simply won’t enjoy it.” In other words, you are subconsciously drawn to and attract people and situations that reflect your deeper beliefs that you are not good enough.
4. Pollyanna – you display extreme optimism & blindness
You only look for the good in everyone, and therefore you refuse to see the truth. Although, you might argue that there is good in the core of everyone, that person may simply be choosing not to express that goodness. Choose to see things and people for what they really are – notice their behavior and stop sugar-coating it or making excuses or justifications for him/her. Beware of fooling yourself into thinking you are invincible!
5. You are being naive
You simply believe whatever anyone tells you. If a person lies and claims to be something that they are not, you choose to believe their words over their actions. Instead, be open and curious, and admit what you actually see and witness!
Follow your intuition, follow your gut feeling. What did you feel or sense around this person the first time you met or encountered each other?
Instead of getting carried away by the excitement of a new friendship or a new romantic partnership, pause and think about the character traits that this person is either displaying or has displayed in the past i.e. what is the pattern of behavior of this person?
Practice saying no; practice placing boundaries, and; practice seeing things and people for what they really are!
“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
– Maya Angelou
If you need personal help and guidance to let go of the past or past mistakes, or to get to the root cause of your issue – book a one-on-one session with me.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.