In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal 7 key self-sabotaging behaviors that tighten the emotional grip your ex has over you.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
Time Doesn’t Heal All – Get Over Your Ex Now!
Time doesn’t heal all. If it did, the older you get, the happier you would be. What you do in the space of time makes the difference and determines your result. Watch the video
Now, let’s talk about 7 key self-sabotaging behaviors that tighten the emotional grip your ex has over you.
Your relationship or marriage is over, but it is not over in your head.
Your ex still has a powerful grip over you, and it is manifested in your behaviors. Behaviors which make it worse for you, create more pain and only serve to give your ex more power and control over you.
Here are the 7 most common self-sabotaging behaviors following a breakup and which I have identified through both work with clients and the responses of over 4,000 people who have taken my free Breakup Test.
7. “Searching for ways for us to get back together”
Choosing to try to repair the relationship and get back together is understandable if the other person is open and willing. However, it is imperative that you be willing to face the reality – the need to accept that the relationship is over. Expending energy to try to get back together with your ex keeps you stuck in the past, wastes precious time, and prevents you from building a new life. Take heed if your ex has moved on while you are still trying to win him/her back.
6. “Spending hours looking at photos and videos of my ex and I”
Reminiscing or crying over what you had does not help you to break free from your ex. The more you place your happiness on what you had – on the past – the worse you will feel and, you will conclude that no one else and nothing else can ever lead you to happiness. The more time and energy you spend looking at photos and videos of you and your ex, the more you will become anchored to him/her. You are not in a desert whereby your ex is the only source of water.
5. “Rereading texts and emails between my ex and I”
This behavior is similar to number 6, except that it will lead to obsessive thoughts and rumination. Are you trying to understand why the relationship did not work out or are you trying to convince yourself you can get back together? The motivation and intention behind your behavior is key but remember the action of repeatedly rereading texts and emails won’t help you to be free or to love and be loved again.
4. “Repeating in my head over and over again the good things my ex said”
This behavior can be driven by shock and confusion or the need to soothe and comfort yourself by wading in the warmth of the past – ‘he said he loved me and I was the one, and…’ Although it might work for a while, it will quickly become a fantasy whereby you are holding onto something that no longer exists. People can say something they truly mean and believe in the moment, only to later change their mind, thoughts and emotions. Have you ever said, “I love you” to someone, only to later no longer love that person or want to be with them?
3. “Fantasizing that we will get back together again”
This is the most commonly reported behavior by men following a breakup.
Dreaming is fine when you want to get clear about a goal or outcome you want. However, watching videos of you and your ex, repeating in your head good things your ex said to you and, fantasizing that you will get back together again, keeps you paralyzed in denial, and eventually turns to anger, frustration, sadness and hopelessness because you are not actually getting back together.
2. “Spying on my ex’s Facebook page or other social media accounts”
How does it help you to spy on your ex? What is your motivation? Are you hoping that he/she will be unhappy without you or are you seeking to control your ex? Beware of spying on your ex only to learn he/she has moved on or is happy without you which leaves you feeling like a victim – helpless, hopeless and lost. This behavior erodes your confidence, optimism, belief in yourself and your capabilities, and your resiliency.
1. “Repeating in my head over and over again the bad things my ex said”
This is the most commonly reported behavior by women following a breakup.
Why is this so damaging? Although it is necessary to be clear about the behavior or specific actions that led to your breakup, the more you repeat in your head the bad things that your ex said, the worse you feel and, the more you reinforce those thoughts as part of your identity. In other words, focusing on the bad things that other people say to you, results in you believing those words or obsessing over them. The bad and hurtful words lead to bad and hurtful emotions which disrupt sleep and healthy functioning.
Be vigilant and beware of the 7 self-sabotaging behaviors listed above; ask yourself, “What do I hope to achieve by this action? Does it help me, or does it make things worse for me?” Become self-aware: how are these actions affecting your physical body and your emotional state?
Ask friends to support you to help you to engage self-control to stop these self-sabotaging actions which hand over psychological control to your ex.
If you would like help to get over a breakup or divorce and to let go any of the painful emotions or behaviors following the breakup, or to improve your relationships, book a one-on-one session with me.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.