In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal how to stop people from controlling you – including your partner or spouse.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
Time Doesn’t Heal All – Get Over Your Ex Now!
Time doesn’t heal all. If it did, the older you get, the happier you would be. What you do in the space of time makes the difference and determines your result. Watch the video
Now, let’s talk about how to stop people from controlling you – including your partner or spouse.
How do people rise to the position of being able to control you?
You give them your power.
What specific techniques, though, do people use to control you, and how do you take your power back?
I will answer these 2 questions in this article.
For someone to control you, you must first surrender – surrender your power.
That principle applies to every relationship.
For you to have a boss, you must give him/her that position and control (power) over you; you must surrender and make him/her an authority over you. However, in this work scenario, you are fully aware of the power model because you make the conscious choice to surrender based on a conscious need – money, work, fulfillment, etc., and rarely is there complete emotional or psychological control over you by your boss; you have options and alternatives even if at times those options are limited based on circumstances.
Romantic, committed, and religious relationships are vastly different.
In these relationships, it is easy for you to completely surrender and become entirely dependent upon and controlled by the person that wields the power.
Techniques people use to control you
You surrender because this person convinces you that:
- They know more than you
- They know what is best for you
- They have the answers for you
- They are always right; they can do no wrong
- You cannot trust yourself (you are bad, wrong, evil, guilty, shameful, etc.)
- Your self-worth and value are tied to and determined by them
- You will be safe and cared for if you surrender to them
- Your identity is determined and shaped by them
- Their love for you is conditional – based on you surrendering to them
- They threaten you that you cannot survive without them, and you will be nothing without them.
The core strategy for anyone to control you is to make you the child by convincing you that you cannot trust yourself, that they know what is best for you, and, that they can fulfill your needs.
Although, similarities can be drawn between this strategy and gaslighting, the latter is different because the control is achieved by psychological abuse such as convincing you beyond ‘you cannot trust yourself’ to ‘you are psychologically damaged, you cannot trust your memories, and that is why you cannot trust yourself.’ The gaslighter also deliberately lies to manipulate you into thinking there is something deeply wrong with you – ultimately trying to convince you into thinking you are insane.
Techniques to stop people from controlling you and take your power back
1. Self-reflection and awareness
To whom or what have you surrendered? Identify this person, ideology or institution, or even political leader or charismatic leader to whom you have surrendered.
In what ways does he/she or it control you?
Do you take responsibility for your actions or do you allow someone else to be in charge believing they know more than you and have all the answers for you?
Do you believe that your future is going to be okay as long as you continue to surrender to this person or thing?
Are you trying to live up to ideals that you cannot, and that no one else can? Remember, we are human, we are imperfect and, it is okay to take care of yourself and to get your needs met. It is okay and appropriate, even critical at times to put yourself first.
In what ways and in which areas do you not trust yourself?
In what ways are you acting like a child (dependent upon someone else to take care of you and tell you what is best for you, and for you to defer decisions?
2. Building Self-Trust
Self-trust is more than just self-confidence: It is the belief that you can make decisions, you know what is best for you (even though you will make wrong choices and you will need to learn from them); you are fully accountable for your choices, decisions, actions, and their consequences. You believe in your ability to grow, learn and evolve based on a growth mindset and therefore not fully reliant on someone else to be your parent/caretaker.
3. Building Self-Worth
Society constantly refers to raising your self-esteem (I mistakenly taught the same thing many years ago.) However, I learned that self-esteem is based and measured by constantly comparing yourself to others with a constantly moving target; you can never be good enough in society’s eyes. Instead, focus on self-compassion: Accept that you do and will make mistakes; forgive yourself for stupid and painful choices; accept your humanity; be patient with yourself; give yourself permission to take care of your needs and say ‘no’ to others when necessary; learn from your mistakes and focus on growing and being open to learning.
4. Fears and skills
You have given away your power and surrendered to someone or something else because you were afraid. Were you afraid you couldn’t do it; you couldn’t succeed, you would fail or be rejected or something else? Resolve these issues with professional help and strategies.
Make a list of all of your qualities, talents, skills and abilities. Include in that list past successes. Again, accept and acknowledge the truth – you are human, you have natural skills and abilities, and they can be further developed and enhanced. Mistakes and failure do not define you!
5. Network of support
Finally, if you are seeking to break out of a toxic relationship where you are being controlled, follow the above 4 steps and build and prepare a network of friends who will support you on your path out to victory – self-trust and autonomy!
If you would like help to take your power back, to get over a breakup or divorce, to let go any of the painful emotions following the breakup, or to improve your relationships, book a one-on-one session with me.
You can add to the conversation below.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.