In this week’s Success Newsletter,
6 steps to overcoming sadness and depression following a breakup or divorce.
First a quick update:
The Breakup Test
Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.
Time Doesn’t Heal All – Get Over Your Ex Now!
Time doesn’t heal all. If it did, the older you get, the happier you would be. What you do in the space of time makes the difference and determines your result. Watch the video
Now, let’s talk about 6 steps to overcoming sadness and depression following a breakup or divorce.
Even if you decided to break up the relationship and you thought you would feel relieved and perhaps you do, you will still experience sadness and depression amongst other strong emotions such as loneliness, confusion, frustration, and anger.
Sadness is triggered by the sense of loss – having lost something you had or something you thought you were going to have; in the case of a divorce or breakup – a future, financial security, family, home, marriage, or a life together.
You will also experience sadness when there is a change in your life, particularly a dramatic change or end – again, even if you wanted or made that change yourself.
You will also feel sad because your identity has been shattered due to the breakup, as well as the shattering or sudden end of routines, habits, and family and friend connections.
Before I share 6 keys to help you to overcome sadness and depression following a breakup or divorce, let me briefly explain depression.
Depression takes many forms – it can be a sense of hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness as well as feelings of loneliness or disconnection; it can be withheld anger that leads to feelings of apathy and hopelessness. Most times you will experience depression due to rumination: You are repeating (obsessing and ruminating) over thoughts about your situation without taking action. The choice to only repeat the thoughts or pain in your head or to repeat them to others without making decisions that resolve the situation causes and worsens depression.
Here are 6 keys to help you to overcome a divorce or breakup when you are experiencing sadness or depression. For more detailed help to get over the breakup, betrayal or divorce, use my audio program/audio book: Get Over Your Ex Now!
1. Take Inventory
Spend the time to answer these questions openly and honestly. Be fully honest with yourself: What actually went wrong in the relationship? What caused the breakup? Which values of yours clashed with your partner? What did you constantly argue about?
2. Accept Responsibility & Be Accountable
How did you contribute to the relationship breakup? What did you learn about yourself due to the breakup?
Beware of attacking yourself, which serves no purpose other than making you feel worse, and beware of simply engaging purely in blame towards your partner. Instead, choose to be honest about what you did wrong or what you failed to do. Choose to learn from that insight. (See Key 4.)
3. Identify Practical Responsibilities & Take Action
Depending on the type of relationship, there will be things that need to be taken care of, such as financial responsibilities (if you shared a home or possessions or commitments), and/or the care of others, or if you have children or dependents. Take action! The more you choose to avoid, deny or delay critical decisions, the worse you will feel and the more depressed you will feel. Make a decision and follow-thru with it. Also take action to get rid of personal effects that remind you of the relationship; change the décor and environment. Avoid playing music that makes you feel sadder i.e. “our song.” Stop frequenting the same places hoping to see him/her or to punish yourself by attempting to reminisce. See Key 4 if there hasn’t been resolution.
4. Resolve Your Issues
This question is posed in Key 2: What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn from the relationship and breakup about your issues – insecurities, hangups, fears, unresolved trauma or past events?
Get professional help to resolve your issues. If you don’t, then you will bring with you the same issues (yourself) to your next relationship. Second and third and fourth marriages have higher divorce and failure rates than first marriages. Why? The core issues that caused the breakup of the first marriage were never resolved, and were taken into the second, third and fourth marriage. This same principle applies to all relationships.
Also, seek professional help and guidance if you have not achieved resolution with your ex following your breakup, particularly if there is confusion, or your ex won’t talk or explain, or their explanation is incomplete.
5. Release Emotions
Make sure you read my insights above into sadness and depression.
Here is an excerpt from my new audiobook “Neutralize the Seven Emotions That Are Holding You Hostage Right Now!” outlining action steps to neutralize sadness:
It is a natural response that you might be experiencing sorrow, sadness or grief at this time because of the various losses, and it’s okay if you’re crying. And when you are crying, seek to understand what are the thoughts and what are the feelings that are accompanying the tears?
Action Step 1: Write out a list of everything that you feel and believe you’ve lost
It can include both tangible and intangible things; maybe a possession, maybe a relationship, maybe an apartment, maybe a job, maybe even hope for something different.
Action Step 2: Review the list you just wrote and note down what you’re truly struggling to let go of
Action Step 3: Find a caring friend and share with that person what you wrote in your first list and what you wrote in your second list
Again, speak from the heart and just ask your friend to listen, to listen with compassion, but not necessarily to give you any advice, just to give you the opportunity to be heard and to feel that you’ve been understood.
Action Steps 4, 5 and 6 are in my audiobook on neutralizing emotions that are holding you hostage. I also have a chapter dedicated to overcoming depression with action steps.
If you are seeking a technique to help you in the moment when you feel intense sadness, read my article on how to control your emotions .
6. Identify and Neutralize Your Crippling Beliefs
What conclusions and interpretations have you made following your divorce or breakup? What do you believe about yourself, the world, your life and relationships? Do you believe everything is hopeless? Remember, while the pain is real, you can control your thoughts and emotions. By changing your thoughts, you will ease the pain.
Also, remind yourself that you are not the failure. The marriage or relationship may have ended, may have failed; you may have failed, but you are not the failure. Failure does not define who you are. You can choose to learn and grow from the experience and breakup – no matter how painful – and to find love again!
For more detailed help to get over the breakup, betrayal or divorce, use my audio program/audio book: Get Over Your Ex Now!
If you would like help to get over a breakup or divorce and to let go any of the painful emotions following the breakup, or to improve your relationships, book a one-on-one session with me.
You can add to the conversation below.
I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.