Affair-Proofing Your Marriage

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the ways to affair-proof your relationship or marriage.

First a quick update:

“Getting over the past”
If you want to let go of the past and be able to get on with your life; if you want to break away from the past, from the painful emotions, obsessive thoughts so that you can be happy, alive, excited about love and life, free from the pain, rejection, betrayal and deep hurt, click here.

Now, let’s talk about the ways to affair-proof your relationship or marriage.

In my Newsletter “Cheating – are women innocent”, I revealed that recent statistics show that women cheat almost as much as men do. one in five married women has had an affair according to the National Opinion Research Center. Most people define cheating as a physical interaction but in my article and quiz, “Is it cheating?”, I offer 14 scenarios for you to decide what constitutes cheating. I also explain that a committed relationship is about love, honor, respect, honesty and trust, and thus, anything that you do that goes against that type of commitment can be defined as cheating – that includes emotional cheating.

So what can you do to affair-proof your relationship or marriage?

First it’s critical to understand that each one of us is ultimately responsible for the choices we make – it is never your fault for the way the other person chooses to behave or respond, nor is it their fault for the way you choose to respond.. Also, you cannot control someone else and you cannot determine how they will respond to you but, there are specific strategies and things you can do to strengthen your relationship, bond and love, and to dramatically reduce the chances of you or your partner straying or having an affair:

Getting Over It - Affair-proofing your marriage

Affair-proofing your marriage – Use “Getting over it” now. Click on the image and get over it now.

  1. Do you really want to get married? If you are not fully committed or you are marrying due to social pressure, there is a greater chance of failure. Be clear before making the vow whether or not it is something you truly want. Although it is easy today to divorce, there are also tremendous legal, economic and emotional consequences of divorce for you, your partner and your children.
  2. Choose the right partner.  Be clear about what type of person you want to marry and which partner truly suits you. The primary key to success, happiness and longevity in any relationship, and particularly marriage, is the sharing of core values and matching temperaments i.e. you must both want the same things and your personalities need to be complementary to each other.
  3. Be clear about your values, goals and what you want. Men: find out where you are going before you decide who you are going to take with you; women: beware of only marrying for security and children otherwise, one day you will meet the man that will capture your heart and even if you don’t have an affair, you will awaken to realize how unhappy you are in your relationship or marriage and you will feel lost, confused and deeply regretful..
  4. Put the marriage first – yes, ahead of career and children.  A strong marriage with open love, respect and affection is the strongest foundation for raising children. Putting children or career first and thus neglecting your partner and marriage will ruin your marriage and thus actually hurt the children. Read more about this principle in the interview I gave “Is your relationship suffering from the Putt Putt Syndrome?”.
  5. Commit to the marriage and to each other – the choice and fear by today’s generation to commit to many aspects of life including relationships is creating unhappiness, general confusion, disillusionment and lack of fulfillment. Be willing to accept that you are going to have to work hard and spend time on your marriage and relationship – it will not naturally take care of itself; if you don’t now spend any time and energy on your husband/wife and marriage, you will when you are in divorce court.
  6. Focus on your partner as your source of sexual pleasure and not magazines, internet or other people
  7. Set a weekly date night – make time for each other and don’t talk about money, business or kids; talk about each other. Read more about this principle in the interview I gave “Is your relationship suffering from the Putt Putt Syndrome?”.
  8. Keep the romance alive – keep wooing and reassuring her that she is the one, the only one for you; let her know you adore her; express affection and thoughtfulness, use texts and emails to flirt and let your partner know how much you love each other rather than simply exchanging useless information
  9. Communicate  – a lack of communication is the primary complaint by women about their partners; men also need to talk and communicate to deepen the bond; talk about small things (daily occurrences) and meaningful things (dreams, aspirations, goals, vacations, etc)
  10. Do things together – stop being roommates and living in two worlds (women lost in children and men lost in career); share hobbies and interests to prevent growing apart; men need to do things with their wife or they lose interest; remember when you courted and you did things together?
  11. Take care of yourself – men want their woman to look good – take care of yourself physically and aesthetically; don’t let your appearance slide and no, you don’t need to have a perfect body
  12. Beware of a sexless marriage: Have sex regularly and look for ways to keep it exciting rather than making it repetitive or a chore or obligation; women: although you are a mother now and sex is less of a priority, be aware that it still remains a high priority for men. If there is a sexual block, talk about it and seek counseling and help.
  13. Give your partner what he or she needs: Women feel loved and amorous when their partner creates a space for her to feel safe and special i.e. listen, empathize, praise, support, encourage, help and allow her to express her emotions; men feel loved when they are appreciated and acknowledged and when they receive sex. (I am not saying this is right or wrong – it’s simply the way it is.)
  14. Build the emotional connection: Women: don’t stop being nurturing to your husband; men: expect that she will change and evolve physically, mentally and emotionally- work hard to keep the emotional connection alive and strong; give and receive on all levels; Women cheat when they feel invisible and their emotional needs aren’t being met. Read my article “Why women cheat”.
  15.  Avoid selfishness, entitlement and narcissism:  beware of instant gratification – think of the long term consequences and what you will lose. If you are a man with power and influence, be wary of falling into the same trap as most celebrities and politicians: delusions of grandeur and power – “the rules no longer apply to me”
  16. Establish boundaries and avoid temptation: be clear about what crossing the line means – discuss it with your partner;  be prepared to say no to offers and people; focus on maintaining emotional intimacy with your partner – talk with your partner about  your feelings and thoughts; Beware of creating greater emotional intimacy with friends of the opposite sex than your husband or wife. Attraction to other people is natural – acting on the attraction is dangerous; if you begin to feel sexual tension, walk away. Be wary of hiding things from your partner.
  17. Dissolve resentment – be open and honest with yourself about any resentment or bitterness you may feel towards your spouse for a past event; resentment destroys love and trust in a relationship and can easily lead you to look for love somewhere else; forgive and release the resentment.
  18. Keep your word, remember your vow and maintain your integrity – better to get out of the relationship than betray your partner.

Commit to making your marriage succeed before you walk away. Some people who are in an unhappy, sexless or loveless marriage will stay together and even remain loyal as a moral or a financial choice (to avoid guilt or financial loss or because they believe it is in the best interests of the children.) As the Beyond Affairs Network explains, other people may have what appears to be all they need in a marriage or relationship but, for selfish and narcissistic reasons, will still choose to cheat by seeking additional excitement outside the marriage. Thus, ultimately, the decision to be faithful, loyal and keep your word and vow is simply a personal choice.

You can comment on this newsletter by visiting my blog. If you have received this newsletter as a forward and would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
www.patrickwanis.com

7 replies
  1. Patrick Wanis
    Patrick Wanis says:

    Dear Cher,

    Of course, apology accepted!

    Anytime something happens that pushes my buttons (i.e. I have an emotional response), I always ask myself “what is it about this that is making me respond this way; what is it about me?” And often I find that the reason I am getting angry (or some other emotion) has nothing to do with the other person, but rather something in me that hasn’t yet been healed – a past painful event, a memory, a belief or some other disappointment.

    And let me say this Cher, even “the expert” has to keep working towards self-healing, forgiveness and compassion.So, yes, I focus on being a teacher and a student!

    All the best,

    Patrick

  2. Cher
    Cher says:

    Hi Patrick. I should’ve known better and I guess I just jumped to conclusions. I know that you are trying to help all of us and are trying to give us a path to take for our greater good. Now I see what you meant about all of your points in your newsletter. Through all my ranting, I guess I gave the wrong impression. I was more focused on the media and the way it plays into stereotypes and how men and women are portrayed has things and products than people. It just makes me so angry! I have always been such a spiritual person and the world isn’t. So I have learned to overly focus on the things that make me happy. However, last night I apparently had a bit of a freak out. I put you in the same place as one of those shallow, idiotic people like those on TMZ or something like that. There are good men and bad men and good women and bad women. I don’t automatically take the side of the woman cos I am one. I do my best to live a life of honor and happiness. I have achieved that. I love the person that I am. I am thankful for what I got and I count my blessings. I take care of myself cos I care about my life. I feel completely open to be me no matter what cos I want to create friendships that are based on something real. Love is important to me…it is not found, it is made. It really was the media and all of their stupid crap that got me angry. As for relationships, of course there are trials we all go through some hard some not. I never walk away from a relationship cos it gets too hard. I have endured tremendous pain and suffering. But I stay focused on the good and keep a positive attitude and I don’t make things harder than they are. Most people cling to suffering. I cling to happiness and I usually find it. I just believe that relationships don’t have to be as much work as we make it out to be. So sorry for the cruel words.

  3. Patrick Wanis
    Patrick Wanis says:

    Dear Cher,

    Thank you for your open and detailed response.

    Now let me address your points.

    First, I am not writing about nor creating stereotypes. I am writing to people who chose to commit to a relationship and/or commit to a marriage and would like to avoid an affair and betrayal. I don’t see how that is a stereotype. I also mentioned to consider if you want to get married or not; again referring to how people can be different and make their own choices.

    You wrote:
    “You mentioned that men need to figure out where they are going so a woman will follow. What if the woman doesn’t want to follow or she isn’t a follower? What if where she is going is better than where he wants to go and he would rather follow her?”

    I said that a man needs to be clear about the direction of his life before he marries or commits to a relationship. I never said the woman must follow him. Imagine marrying a man who has no idea where he is going in life or what he wants from it; that is a recipe for a disastrous relationship. And then he won’t even be sure about whether or not he has chosen the right partner!

    You wrote:
    “You also mentioned that men want their woman to look good so keep up your appearance. God, how shallow. No matter how rich a person is and how much money they can spend on skin care and plastic surgery, they are going to age and so will the men. It is not a womans job to spend their life, time and energy on looking good for their man.”

    I never mentioned plastic surgery, Botox or any other artificial means to look good? Does your definition of “looking good” imply the woman must stop the process of aging and have lots of plastic surgery? Looking good simply means respecting her body and appearance. I also said “you don’t need to have a perfect body.” Everyone should take care of their body, health and appearance – I never mentioned nor implied to do it to an extreme. Nor did I say that the woman must devote her life, time and energy looking good for the man. Of course, there is much more to a woman than that. You created the stereotype of the woman that looks good must therefore have a perfect body and have plastic surgery. Also, when a woman doesn’t respect her body, eats junk food, never exercises, then that is a reflection that she doesn’t respect her body and she sends the same signal to her children. Why would a woman not want to look after herself? Is that a positive message for her children? Do you dress up when you go on a date? Why? Why do you want to look good ever? Or do you deliberately choose to look bad to test the love of your man? Do you want your partner to look good or look bad – not taking care of his body and health and dressing poorly?

    You wrote:
    “We have a purpose in life all our own and it has nothing to do with men. We are more than just sexual vessels.”

    I never said that a woman’s purpose in life is to live for men. Nor did I say that women are sexual vessels. If you have read my other newsletters, then you will know that I teach to contribute, give back and make a difference – and that applies to men and women. Have you read my success newsletter: “Getting your six needs” https://patrickwanis.com/blog/index.php/2010/06/30/getting-your-six-needs/

    You wrote:

    “If men need it so badly, go to a sex shop.”

    Are you encouraging men to cheat or use prostitutes? I am trying to encourage men and women to turn to their partner for sexual intimacy and pleasure. You are implying that women don’t want or need sex. That is a stereotype.

    You wrote:

    “It may not be your fault to bring this to the attention of the public but it is very hurtful to women for any man to perpatuate the need for men to put another knotch on the bed post and expect us to accept it. Gross! Grow up! If your whole life revolves around chasing skirts then that doesn’t say much about you.”

    The entire gist of my newsletter is to remain faithful and loyal to your wife (or for women – your husband); I never mentioned sexual conquests and did not mention anywhere conquests – notches on the bed post or chasing skirts. And if you read the beginning of my newsletter, I also mentioned that based on statistics, today, women cheat almost as much as men; so does that mean now that women are also trying to score notches and that they are chasing “pants”?

    You also wrote that you do not believe that marriages and relationships are work and you said that “Friendships and love are a natural part of life.” Yes, they are but that doesn’t mean they are easy to maintain. Second, marriage and a relationship involve so much more than “friendship and love” – there is companionship, sex, intimacy, growth, parenting, money and financial responsibilities, etc. I have never heard one person or client ever say to me that their marriage requires no work. Also, friendship and love are not the same as a relationship or marriage; a man’s wife gives birth twice and both times she is in deep post natal depression and cannot look after the kids for two years. Is that easy? A man loses his job and feels down and there are bills to pay and the wife must work extra hours. Is that easy? What about ill health, emotional downs and other life challenges? Ask anyone that has been happily married for many years and they will tell you that yes, they had to both work hard at their marriage.

    And if you believe that marriage and relationships are easy, then do you walk away when the relationship becomes hard? That is the mentality of too many people who apply that to every area of their life and then wonder why so little is succeeding in their life.

    You also inferred that I said that men should work and women stay at home: I never said nor implied such a thing. I simply said that they should put each other first and men should beware of being lost in their career and women should beware of being lost in their children. And if you think the latter is a sterotype, you are wrong – it is closer to the truth. I know succesful career women who still put their children first.

    You wrote:

    “We all know what works to keep a relationship healthy and if we don’t, then figure it out before you get into one.”

    Who is “we”? Do you truly believe that everyone knows what is required to keep a relationship healthy? If so, then why do so many people divorce? Why are so many people unhappy or complaining about their relationships? Maybe, they feel that it should not be hard work!

    You wrote:
    “Patrick, if you keep addressing stereotypes, then people will never know that they can be more than what they are cos the thought hasn’t been implanted.”

    I told everyone reading this newsletter that they can be more, they can be loving, loyal and fulfilled in a relationship/marriage and; I told them how. That is the thought I “implanted.”

    Now, I am curious about why you missed all the other points in my newsletter: choosing the right partner, matching your values with your partners, personalities and temperaments, communication, emotional connection, loyalty, dissolving resentments, avoiding selfishness and entitlement, doing things together, being intimate & open & honest with your partner, giving & receiving, giving your partner what he or she needs, giving praise, support, encouragement, etc. When I write these points, do you thinkg am I writing to stereotypes or even writing bout stereotypes? Not at all.

    Now, you were quite open and forthcoming with me, so I would like to be the same with you.

    Ask yourself why you are angry with men? Ask yourself why you feel you cannot be you even if that is completely different to everyone else in society?

    Who has hurt you, betrayed you or let you down? Who has left you feeling disillusioned about men, relationships and marriage? Who has treated you like “a sexual vessel”? Who or what event has left you feeling cynical about men and love? Who has not given to you?

    Look in your heart and see if the real reason I have stirred such emotions in you is because of pain you have experienced in the past.

    As I always suggest, forgive; forgive everyone so that you can allow yourself to be loved.

    Wishing you only the best – love, joy, success and happiness!

    Patrick

  4. Cher
    Cher says:

    Wow… :/ what the? It would be a refreshing change to read a few newsletters that addresses more than just the average, typical, product of their environment, dime a dozen, unevolved people. There are some people that are in a unique class of their own. You mentioned that men need to figure out where they are going so a woman will follow. What if the woman doesn’t want to follow or she isn’t a follower? What if where she is going is better than where he wants to go and he would rather follow her? You also mentioned that men want their woman to look good so keep up your appearance. God, how shallow. No matter how rich a person is and how much money they can spend on skin care and plastic surgery, they are going to age and so will the men. It is not a womans job to spend their life, time and energy on looking good for their man. There is more to life than that. Woman are not things either. We have a purpose in life all our own and it has nothing to do with men. We are more than just sexual vessels. If men need it so badly, go to a sex shop. Men are born into a stereotype of being perverts, rapists, child molesters, they even rape their own daughters. It may not be your fault to bring this to the attention of the public but it is very hurtful to women for any man to perpatuate the need for men to put another knotch on the bed post and expect us to accept it. Gross! Grow up! If your whole life revovlves around chasing skirts then that doesn’t say much about you. Meaning all men. You also mentioned that relationships are work. Not necessarily. Friendships and love are a natural part of life. If you love and care for someone, it isn’t work…its normal. Work smart not hard. You said that men shouldn’t focus on their careers so much and women on their children. Again…not everyone falls into this category. Some men stay home and the women work. Not every couple choses to have children. Some couples run their own business. Some work from home. We all know what works to keep a relationship healthy and if we don’t, then figure it out before you get into one. People that cheat, haven’t grown up enough to date let alone make a commitment. Patrick, if you keep addressing stereotypes, then people will never know that they can be more than what they are cos the thought hasn’t been implanted. That goes for so many people in your position. Do more to create more.

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  1. […] ****  The top tips to affair-proofing your marriage – Did you know that there are things you can do in your relationship and marriage to make it affair-proof? In fact, there are 17 things you can do which will transform your marriage and deepen the bond, connection and love:  https://patrickwanis.com/blog/affair-proofing-your-marriage/  […]

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