In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to pose the question “Are you a Volkswagen or a Ferrari?” and explain how that relates to our deeper beliefs about our self-worth and the way we let people treat us.
First a quick update:
“Sandra Bullock and the grieving process”
Read the transcript of the interview I gave to Siobhan McFadyen, News Correspondent for the magazine Grazia Australia about Sandra Bullock and the way she is handling the pain of the betrayal and deceit by her husband Jesse James.
My Success newsletter comes out every Wednesday around noon Eastern Standard Time and if you do not receive it, it may have been spammed as filtering becomes broader almost daily. However, you can read all of my newsletters on my blog where I post and archive them.
Now, let’s talk about your self-worth: Are you a Volkswagen or a Ferrari?
Recently, I was speaking with a friend who asked me for some advice. Amanda had met a man to whom she was very attracted and they had been dating but soon he stopped returning her text messages and calls. Without blinking, I responded with “You slept with him, didn’t you?”
With a look of surprise, Amanda said ‘Yes. Why?’
“How long had you been dating?”
“There’s your answer.”
‘Three weeks isn’t a long time?’ Amanda said with a look of bewilderment.
Before I reveal the rest of our conversation and some other interesting aspects to Amanda’s story, I would also like to share a comment from a reader on my blog, Peggy:
“I’ve hooked up with this man a few times within the last year. A relationship did not develop any further than that. However, I do like this man more than as a “hook-up buddy” or even booty call. A mutual friend of ours said recently to me that he would like to start fresh and feels terrible for how he’s treated me in the past as just a woman he’s slept with. Does this mean he’s implying an actual relationship with me to begin, or could he be just all talk, feeling guilty so he has to say that?”
Peggy speaks about the man feeling terrible or guilty for the way he treated her, but this is not the point at all. The way he feels is completely irrelevant to the way he has been treating her.
What matters is the way Peggy and Amanda allowed themselves to be treated in the first place.
I said to Amanda, “Are you a Volkswagen or a Ferrari? Do you know why men want a Ferrari? Not because it is fast or sleek or has a beautiful design. No. Men pine for a Ferrari because it is hard to get. They have to work hard to get it and when something is hard to get, it becomes valuable; extremely valuable.”
“Amanda, are you valuable? Are you a Volkswagen or a Ferrari? If you want to be valued and respected, then act like a Ferrari. And if you were a Ferrari you wouldn’t just let anyone drive or ride it would you? No. You would carefully choose who sits in it; you would carefully choose its driver. If this man truly wanted to be with you, to date you, then he would wait and work at it. But you made it so easy that now he thinks anyone can have you.”
Now, bear with me, because there is more to this story.
What Amanda had also told me was that she also found out that this man had a girlfriend and was also sleeping with other girls as well. And this was the second time she had experienced this in dating. The man she was dating before had the same story – he had a girlfriend but was also sleeping with and dating Amanda.
Amanda is a beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, stylish and successful woman. She definitely does not have an air of low self-esteem. So why would Amanda still want anything to do with a man who has a girlfriend and cheats on her?
“What do you want from this man now Amanda?”
‘I can’t seem to let him go.’
“What do you want from him? What are you afraid of?”
‘I want him to change his image of me. Is that possible?’
“Probably not; because it is close to being set in stone. Once we form images of people it takes a lot of work to change that. But again, what do you want from him? What image do you want him to have of you?”
‘I want him to like me.’
“Oh, you want his approval and that’s where you made the mistake. You set out to get someone’s approval and when you make that your intention or your goal, you will do almost anything; you will give up your real self, your real values and then he won’t value you either because he senses your desperation and your lack of self-worth. He saw you as a worthless Volkswagen. He doesn’t believe in or value you because you don’t believe in you nor do you value yourself!”
Of course, this principle of valuing and respecting oneself applies to all of us, regardless of gender, and it applies to every area of our lives. Men can act just as stupidly when it comes time to gaining the approval of a woman; some men will go into deep debt to impress a woman or win her over – again, another act of desperation and seeking someone else’s approval.
I would like to share one more, brief story with you from a client of mine. Joanne was married to a highly charismatic man who turned out to be a sociopath and who completely ruined her financially, ruined her self-esteem and then fled the country. For years, Joanne wasted much energy Googling him and trying to track him down. Eventually, Joanne found him but realized he had no way of paying her back even if he decided to do so. And yet, Joanne told me she couldn’t get him out of her mind or let him go. I asked her the same question I asked Amanda “What do you want from him?” The final, core answer was that Joanne wanted him to value and respect her. And who else hadn’t valued or respected Joanne? Joanne’s father. Thus, for Joanne the key issue was to change her subconscious beliefs about her self-worth; that she is valuable and deserves respect.
For some of us, it can simply be sufficient to make a conscious choice to break the habit of letting people treats us like cheap used cars. For others (the majority of us) we need to change at a deeper level what we feel we are worthy of and deserving.
Unknowingly, we often attract or are attracted to situations, people and circumstances that reflect our deepest beliefs about what we deserve in life. I call this the Law of Deservedness. Accordingly, I have created a brand new six-module audio program to transform and renew your subconscious beliefs about your value and self-worth; to end the self-sabotage and engage your subconscious mind to work for you rather than against you. I haven’t yet released it to the public but you can have first access to it, click here.
If you would like more insights and strategies to help you value yourself, read my Success Newsletters
“Value Yourself” – January 15, 2008.
:Are you good enough?” – March 12, 2008.
“Validate Yourself” – January 7, 2009.
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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”
Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
Anointed “The Woman Expert” by WGN Chicago, Patrick Wanis PhD is a renowned Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert who developed SRTT therapy (Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique) and is teaching it to other practitioners. Wanis’ clientele ranges from celebrities and CEOs to housewives and teenagers. CNN, BBC, FOX News, MSNBC & major news outlets worldwide consult Wanis for his expert insights and analysis on sexuality, human behavior and women’s issues. Wanis is the first person ever to do hypnotherapy on national TV – on the Montel Williams show.