Radio Interviews – Patrick Wanis https://www.patrickwanis.com Human Behavior Expert Wed, 15 Sep 2021 16:35:46 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.4.4 https://www.patrickwanis.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/cropped-fav-32x32.png Radio Interviews – Patrick Wanis https://www.patrickwanis.com 32 32 Dealing With The Divorce Of Your Friends – Do You Take Sides? https://www.patrickwanis.com/dealing-with-the-divorce-of-your-friends-do-you-take-sides-2/ Thu, 15 Jul 2021 02:15:46 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=37848 Your friends are divorcing - to whom do you be loyal? "Blind loyalty is wrong", says Dr. Wanis. He argues you should be loyal to what is right.

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What do you do when your friends are going to divorce? Beware of blind loyalty!

Dealing With The Divorce Of Your Friends – Do You Take Sides?

Your friends are divorcing. Do you pick sides? What happens to your friendship with each of the spouses? Should you be loyal to the spouse who is your friend? What if your children are friends with their children?

Anna and Raven of The Anna and Raven show turn to human behavior expert, Dr. Patrick Wanis for insights on how to handle the predicament of friends divorcing. In this enlightening interview, Dr. Wanis also raises a controversial point regarding how to determine where your loyalty lies when your close friends are divorcing. “I do not believe in blind loyalty”, says, Dr. Wanis.

Dr. Wanis also shares a powerful insight about what you can say to the children of the divorcing couple. Listen below to the interview and scroll further below to read the transcript.

Anna and Raven interview Dr. Patrick Wanis for his insights into dealing with the divorce of your friends. Here is the transcript.

Anna:Well, you get the news that your best friends are getting divorced, and now you’re in an awkward situation where, ‘Well, do I have to choose one of you? Am I expected to do that now?

Raven: What yet so difficult right, and sometimes they can make it easier on you, but let’s face it a lot of times they make it harder.

Anna: Dr. Patrick Wanis is a human behavior expert you can visit him online patrickwanis.com. Dr. Wanis, when you are put in that situation, what should you do?

Dr. Wanis: The most important thing to do is to analyze the context. In other words, is it to their advantage to divorce?  Is it to the advantage of the children? For if the parents are really arguing a lot and creating a lot of tension, and if there’s any sort of verbal or emotional abuse in the household, then it’s better for them to divorce. So, you’ve got to look at the whole thing and say, “What’s in the best interests of everyone, the couple as well as the children?” That is step number one.

Anna: So, you have to choose based on who you think the bad guy is?

Raven: Well, maybe if it is a good idea that they’re getting divorced, you should give them both a pat on the back?

Dr. Wanis: Now, I’m not saying here that you decide who’s right or wrong. I’m saying if you believe that it’s in their best interests, then you’ll support them to actually go through with the divorce. If you truly believe that they can resolve this, and that it is in their best interests to resolve it, then you give them that sort of support. But you don’t take sides.

Anna: So, what do you do when it’s all said and done, like there is nothing else you can do as a supportive friend to get involved? You are kind of at that crossroads where they have separate lives: Is it ok to still be friends with both of them?

Dr. Wanis: You have to discuss it with both of them. You’ve got to be able to approach each of them and say, “I’m still going to be friends with John and with Mary”, and then get their feedback. Let them know that your intention isn’t to hurt them, but you still have a relationship. We have got to be careful of this concept of blind loyalty.

You’ve got to be loyal to what’s right and what’s wrong, not just loyal to the person. ‘Because well, we’ve been friends forever, and even though John cheated on his wife, and he took all her money from the account, I’m still going to be loyal to him.’ That’s not correct.

Raven: Right and that feels more obvious than others.

Dr. Wanis: Sometimes it is black and white, but usually it’s not.

Anna: That’s true because, I’m in a situation like that right now, where a friend of mine is divorcing, said, “Like I hate to do this, but you kind of have to choose if you are with me or with him.” And obviously, I’m with her because he is a cheater, but if he wasn’t, – and it was just like the relationship deteriorated out of nowhere, then I think it would be tougher to make that call.

Dr. Wanis: Yes. I think when you sit down and speak with the other person, whether it is the  husband or the wife, you will explain to them that whatever your relationship is with them, it’s not that you are picking sides, it’s not that you think they are right. It’s not you choosing one over the other, but you still have a relationship with them. What happens if you’re working with them? What happens if you have a business with them? You can’t always just cut them off.

Raven: And what I find doctor is that with children I mean that becomes so much more exponentially difficult right, I mean because now your kids’ lives are intertwined also.

Dr. Wanis: Yes. And I think the message that you could relate to each person is to say that, “Regardless of your divorce and regardless of the pain and the hurt that you’ve  experienced and the other person’s experienced, my love my admiration, my connection, my friendship with you will not change.” And it’s the same thing you have to say to your children. If you are divorcing, you’ve got to say to your children “Regardless of what happens between mommy and daddy, I still love you. My love, for you won’t change, nothing will change.”

Another important point to make here when dealing with the divorce of your friends is that children always tend to blame themselves whenever their parents divorce. If your children are interacting with their children and you have the opportunity, and it’s appropriate in the context, you could say to them, “Whatever happened between your mommy and daddy is not your fault. The problems that your mommy and daddy are having are not about you. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your job to try and rescue them.” And that makes a big difference, because children will lose their innocence and lose their childhood when they’re given these heavy responsibilities.

Anna: Dr. Patrick Wanis. Thank you!

Also read how to affair-proof your marriage:

https://www.patrickwanis.com/affair-proofing-your-marriage/

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]]> Divorce Rates For People Over 50 Continues To Rise – Here Is Why – Gray Divorce https://www.patrickwanis.com/divorce-rates-for-people-over-50-continues-to-rise-here-is-why-gray-divorce/ Mon, 14 Jun 2021 20:19:28 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=37589 The first is “forced togetherness.” ‘Oh, now that I really know my partner, I don't like them.’ The second is the existential crisis: “Who am I? Why am I here? What am I doing? How much time do I have left? What do I want to do with it?”

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“Among U.S. adults ages 50 and older, the divorce rate has roughly doubled since the 1990s…Among those ages 65 and older, the divorce rate has roughly tripled since 1990, reaching six people per 1,000 married persons in 2015. – Pew Research Center, 2017

Divorce Rates For People Over 50 Continues To Rise – Here Is Why – Gray Divorce

The trend of divorce among seniors – older people has been rising, and it seems the pandemic – Covid-19 has contributed to the trend of divorce among seniors.

“Couples can divorce later in life for the same reasons younger couples split up – infidelity, financial pressures, regrets about earlier decisions, or a desire for greater independence. But when you’re over 50, these reasons are framed by aging and the realization that you have more years behind you than ahead of you. Older couples face unique aging-related issues that can factor into the decision to divorce – including health concerns, tensions brought on by living in closer proximity in retirement, losing parents and friends, and even the unsettling loss of youth.” – https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/special-issues-late-life-divorce-32335.html

However, the pandemic has changed people in ways that experts – sociologists and psychologists could never have predicted.

Divorce rates have tripled in the last 20 years for people over 65! Anna and Raven interview human behavior expert Dr. Patrick Wanis to reveal the reasons that seniors are getting a divorce.

Listen below or read the full transcript further below.

Anna: There’s been an uptick in divorces, and it’s not just among the young. It’s actually the elderly. Seniors are divorcing. Why? Dr. Patrick Wanis is a behavioral expert. You can visit them online. PatrickWanis.com. Dr. Wanis, why are all these older people getting divorced by now? Why, Grandma, why now? Like you’re leaving Grandpa?

You are a really good question. Why are seniors divorcing? Why now? And the “now” is the answer. It’s because of all of the changes that are happening to all of us. There are extraordinary changes in behavior as a result of the pandemic. And I think the first thing, and this is so looking at as a big picture, it’s not just that older couples are divorcing, it’s that people are moving house; people are changing career; people are moving from one state to another; people are moving from one country to another.

And the way that I view it is to think about it as if you’ve just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. That means suddenly, as a result of the pandemic, we’re facing mortality and saying, ‘Wow. If my life were to end now, is this the way I want to live?’ And suddenly a lot of people question what they value. Now, of course, there are other reasons, too, because this has been an evolving pattern. And I think the first thing to say is the taboo of divorce has been progressively eroding.

And maybe as a result of the fact that we’re almost like a disposable society, we know we can swap out the phone, we can swap out the computer, we can swap out the car, swap out the TV, that we no longer settle for something that doesn’t really satisfy us, something that doesn’t really give us great joy and meaning and happiness and purpose. I think that for a long time, a lot of people stayed in marriage out of convenience, out of routine, security, and that security came in the form of familiarity:

‘Well, I know my partner; my partner knows me.’ But I think we’re finally in the place of saying, ‘If I’m not happy, I’m not going to accept it.’

So, this is more and deeper than just, ’Hey, we’ve been stuck in this building looking at each other, these four walls for the last, you know, two years right here. And I’m sick of you at this point.’

Raven: You believe it’s actually more rooted in the fact that there’s been some soul searching and some clarity, really, on what people want and what they’ve been doing and how they want to move ahead?

Well, you’re right on both points. The first ‘being stuck together’ is what we refer to as “forced togetherness.” And then you go, ‘Oh, now that I really know my partner, I don’t like them.’ The second is almost like the existential crisis: “Who am I? Why am I here? What am I doing? How much time do I have left? What do I want to do with it?” And when answering that question, ‘Who am I?’, I think we tend to go really deep and say, ‘Wow, look at the way the world’s just stopped. What’s going on? Who’s in charge? I want more security. I want more stability. I want more freedom.’

Anna: I read a stat somewhere that says that divorce rates for people over 65 has tripled in the last 20 years. So, if you’re over 65 and you’re like, ‘you know what, I’m done with you. We’ve had our kids, we’ve raised our families. Now I’m going to go party on my own.’ Where do you find love? Like, I just have a hard time imagining my grandmother going on Tinder and I don’t want to picture it makes me sad. It makes me scared. I don’t want to think about it.

I’m not sure that your mother would go on Tinder, but I’ll give you an example of a client’s mother – a senior who after divorce found love. And she was 74. She did that through her church. So, for her, she already had a place where she had an opportunity to meet new people. And she found someone that was roughly the same age, maybe a few years older, and they married and they stayed together another fifteen years. Wow. So, yes, you’re right, your grandma is not going to maybe go online or use Facebook. But if she goes out to church, to some sort of club, to some sort of hobby, I’m not talking about a nightclub.

Anna: I was trying to imagine my grandmother would glowsticks.

it’s simply a case of where can this older person meet other people. Then that’s another way. There are ways to meet people at all ages.

Anna: All right. Good stuff. Dr. Patrick Wanis, you can visit him online at Patrick Wanis.com.

“What’s pushing gray divorce is people are living longer and they feel more entitled to living fully. They’ve contributed to raising children, they want an emotional journey, it’s their time now. They may have (decades) ahead and don’t want to be unhappy anymore.” – Lili Vasileff, certified financial planner and president of Divorce and Money Matters

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]]> Mourning A Breakup Or Loss Of A Relationship https://www.patrickwanis.com/mourning-a-breakup-or-loss-of-a-relationship/ Wed, 12 May 2021 20:37:18 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=37231 To recover from the mourning of a breakup, you must take a certain set of actions and change your attitude and mindset. You will, inevitably experience anger, frustration, hopelessness, and many other negative emotions.

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to like to reveal steps towards recovering and mourning a breakup or loss of a relationship.

How To Recover From Mourning A Breakup Or Loss Of A Relationship

First a quick update:  

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

How Do You Solve Problems? By Adding More?

Do you think of adding or removing when trying to solve a problem? A new study reveals the default mode to problem solving is to add even when it is not the right solution. Why is more always more? Read the article with my quotes and insights.

Are You Feeling Guilty Or Ashamed?

Do you feel guilty or ashamed for something you have done or for your past relationship or Ex? Do you know the difference between guilt and shame? Watch the video and learn how to overcome guilt and shame.

Now, let’s talk about steps towards recovering and mourning a breakup or loss of a relationship.

Have you noticed that most of what we learn to do is to acquire things, and yet we struggle so deeply to let go of things and relationships? We struggle with the loss of a relationship because we are not taught to deal with change, with endings and loss. Therefore, we are not prepared or skilled in responding to the breakup or ending of a relationship.

To recover from the mourning of a breakup, you must take a certain set of actions and change your attitude and mindset. You will, inevitably experience anger, frustration, hopelessness, and many other negative emotions.

One of the key emotions that people experience when there is a breakup or loss of a relationship (or any  loss for that matter) is guilt, and sometimes guilt is appropriate because it represents our conscience and alignment with our values. Whenever we look back upon any relationship, we will find somewhere, somehow that we did something wrong; we were lacking. “If only I had…why didn’t I…?”

On the other hand, sometimes we will avoid feeling the pain of guilt or, we will run from guilt towards blame. In other words, we will focus on blaming the other person for the relationship outcome or breakup primarily as a way of avoiding feeling and facing our own guilt.

It is also natural to experience anger along with the sense of isolation or loneliness. There is always sadness when there is loss or change. And whenever there is a breakup or loss of a relationship, there is also a huge chunk of identity that is ripped out. That shattered identity is often experienced as emptiness. Thus, you think to yourself, “Who am I without this person?” This is a natural question. And the deeper the bond and stronger and more entwined together your lives were, the greater the gaping hole of emptiness will be.

It’s critical to be really weary of thinking that you have fully recovered and that you are over the loss, and everything is just fine.

“I’ve always thought that some of the things people suffer most from are the things they tell themselves that are not true.” – Elvin Semrad

YouTube Video

What truth do you need to face and accept?

Remember, what makes the grieving and mourning so much worse is the way that you react to the loss. It’s critical to accept the pain, the disappointment, the frustration, and the heartache that is being caused by the end of this relationship. It is your choice to take full responsibility for what you feel. That begins with identifying, labeling, and accepting all of the emotions that you are experiencing. I teach, “You are allowed to feel whatever you feel.” You cannot heal without accepting and validating what you feel. The next critical step is your choice about what you will do with that feeling: will you face it, exaggerate it or release it (via understanding, compassion and acceptance?)

Notice, too, the way that you are running away from feeling and experiencing those emotions, from confronting the pain of the loss.

How do most people escape the pain of a breakup or loss?

Food, alcohol, drugs, workaholism, shopping, obsessive behaviors such as surfing the internet endlessly, bingeing on TV movies or shows or sex.

Think now about a former loss. How did you deal with it? How did you in the past deal with loss and grief? What is your default mode of response to loss and grief? And how did that help you or not? Be willing to be completely honest and open with yourself to admit the way your current behaviors, responses and reactions are making it worse for you the move through the grieving process.

You are probably still stuck in this empty space where there has been no closure. It’s not always possible to get the closure in the way you want or expect. Perhaps the relationship has ended and the other person is dead or won’t communicate with you or perhaps he/she doesn’t really know how to explain their motivations or doesn’t have any interest in doing so.

Closure must come from within you.

It’s up to you to seek understanding, acceptance and compassion for yourself as well as for the other person. What are you refusing to accept about yourself or the role you played in this relationship? And even if you did play a key role that destroyed the relationship, then the responsibility and onus is still upon you to move to acceptance and forgiveness of yourself.

“When people are having trouble loving currently, it’s because they have an old love that they’ve never given up” – Elvin Semrad

You have the choice to acknowledge, bear and keep in perspective the painful emotions and effects of the breakup or loss. It is up to you to stop, look, listen, and stop running from yourself and life. It is up to you to harness open-mindedness, willingness, and courage. Don’t expect to do this on your own. You will need help, and the more you are willing to open, be vulnerable and allow others to help, support, comfort and accept you, the easier your recovery will be from the breakup or loss of the relationship.

Beware, too, of the dangerous myths regarding loss and grieving.

All relationships are unique, as you are, too, and therefore the recovery  process is unique for each person. If you would like help professional help to heal the mourning and breakup, or to overcome guilt or shame, book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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]]> Two Signs That Your Relationship Is Over https://www.patrickwanis.com/two-signs-that-your-relationship-is-over/ Tue, 13 Apr 2021 16:05:08 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=36598 What happened in your last relationship - with your Ex? What ended the relationship. Dr. Wanis reveals the two signs that clearly spell the end for your relationship.

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What happened in your last relationship – with your Ex? What ended the relationship. Dr. Wanis reveals the two signs that clearly spell the end for your relationship.

Two Signs That Your Relationship Is Over.

Listen and see if this explains what happened in your relationship with your Ex.

What do you think are the top 5 causes of relationships breakups?

Is one of these the reason that you broke up with your Ex?

In this interview, Dr. Wanis reveals the two signs that your relationship is over.

In Dr. Patrick Wanis’ Free Breakup Test, over 5,000 people responded to reveal the top 5 reasons they broke up with their Ex.

One is “constant arguments.” Dr. Wanis reveals that there is also an emotion that once realized says your relationship is over – and incidentally it is an emotion usually exhibited by women more than men. And it is not the action of nagging!

It is contempt.

Contempt is one of the two signs that your relationship is over.

The dictionary defines contempt as “the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.” This emotion leads to another emotion of anger as well as disgust. Therefore, one partner begins to look down upon the other person and expresses disgust, disdain, rejection but above all, a sense of superiority. Once the dynamic in the relationship shifts from love, affection, tenderness, care, concern, support, kindness, patience and understanding to contempt, then the relationship is over . A relationship cannot survive when one person acts superior to the other and treats them as if they are worthless, unlovable, insignificant or simply deserving of hatred or being completely ignored when not being scorned.

Listen below to the interview with Dr. Wanis for the two signs that your relationship is over. And click here if you need to Get Over Your Ex! and click here for The 5 Signs That Reveal It is Time To End Your Relationship Read the full transcript further below.

Anna: When do you know that it’s time to break up? Whether you’re dating or you’re in a marriage, there has to be certain signs that say, ‘Hey, listen this isn’t going to work going forward.’

Raven: Yeah, it would be nice to know those signs before things get really expensive or really painful.

Anna: Right. Dr. Patrick Wanis is a human behavior expert – patrickwanis.com. Dr. Wanis. Are there signs to say, ‘Hey listen. Let me get out of this before we go any further?

While there are many signs, I think the most important point to make is that it’s not always black-and-white; there aren’t always absolutes. But here are some of the things to be aware of that say to you, ‘Look! This is not going to get any better and it’s not going to change.’

The first one is: Are either of you willing to get help? And if your partner isn’t willing to get help, or if you think it’s only your partner’s fault, that’s not going to work.

Here are some of the main causes of breakups: When a couple is constantly arguing, and when it moves to resentment, to constant hatred, then that’s the end of the relationship.

If you look down upon your partner as well as having lots of arguments and you are approaching your partner with contempt that’s the end of the relationship. It’s beyond redemption. You can’t heal it; you can’t save it once contempt enters.

Also, look at your values. Are your values constantly clashing?

If you want different things in life, or you are at different stages in life, that usually can’t be resolved. Wanting different things in life is specifically about values; being in different stages of life is about responsibilities. And so you can’t just ignore your responsibilities, and you can’t expect your partner to change their values.

Also, look at what are your issues and what are your partner’s issues. Again, if your partner  has issues that are screwing up your relationship, and your partner is not willing to get help, then you can’t heal that. Now if you have issues, then you’ve got to go and get help.

And if you think that your habit or your behavior is destructive, then maybe you don’t necessarily end the relationship, but you have to separate and give yourself time to get yourself the help. This, of course, depends on the context and circumstances of the relationship.

Raven: My father used to say, “If you have a foundation of a house right, you get a crack, there could be some water seeping, and there could be some animals getting in, whatever, you’re going to fix it, you get address it right away. If not, the whole house is going to come down, sooner or later.

Yes, And the other thing that’s really important to remember when you’re considering if it is the time for us to break up is, what are the main things that are happening in this relationship? What’s the dominant emotion or behavior? Is one person or the other constantly criticizing, attacking, stonewalling, judging, blaming, comparing, or even playing the victim?

Anna: And Dr. Wanis do you think that just growing apart with age is a reason enough to get a divorce?

It’s not the aging that has created the problem. It’s the fact that the values have changed, or the values have evolved, and now there’s a clash in values. So, you’ll often find this, it’s called “Empty Nesting”, and so the couple now have children that have gone to college, and now they don’t know what to do with themselves, and they realize, “Oh, I’m not really that into my partner anymore.” Well, that’s because you weren’t before, but you had so many distractions with your children that you were able to stay together, but, now you realize, ‘We don’t have that much in common anymore.’ Again, the values have changed.

Anna: Good advice, Dr. Patrick Wanis. Visit him at patrickwanis.com  

https://www.patrickwanis.com/5-the-signs-that-reveal-it-is-time-to-end-your-relationship/

 

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]]> The 5 Signs That Reveal It is Time To End Your Relationship https://www.patrickwanis.com/5-the-signs-that-reveal-it-is-time-to-end-your-relationship/ Wed, 31 Mar 2021 15:10:25 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=36460 There are 5 signs that scream it is time to end your relationship. First, how does your body respond to your relationship or marriage? When speaking about your relationship, do you notice your heart rate is up, your chest is tight, your breath is shallow, you are tense, nervous, agitated or you feel highly stressed?

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 5 signs that it is time to end your relationship.

5 The Signs That Reveal You Should End The Relationship or Marriage

First a quick update:  

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

Heal Your Issues With SRTT

All of us have issues. Not all of us can let them go. Imagine a process that helps you to heal your unresolved issues! A process that gets to the root cause of the issue and relieves you without reliving the pain or trauma. This process is my unique SRTT – Subconscious Rapid Transformation Technique. Watch the video. https://youtu.be/L6zN49UpADw

Now, let’s talk about the 5 signs that it is time to end your relationship.

Do you have doubts about your relationship – where it is right now and where it is going; do you really have a future together?

While there are specific parameters which highlight or predict that your relationship will succeed or fail, it can all be summed up quite simply: The way you speak about each other.

The way you speak about each other reveals the deeper emotions and beliefs you have about each other. And it also indicates if it is time to end your relationship.

Shocking as it is, women initiate divorce more than men. Women initiate sixty-nine percent of all divorces, and college educated women initiate ninety percent of divorces. However, in non-marital relationships men and women equally initiate the breakup. It is possible that the difference is that non-marital relationships are built on different expectations and agreements than traditional marriages. Accordingly, perhaps women are happier in non-marital relationships.  Source: https://www.asanet.org/press-center/press-releases/women-more-likely-men-initiate-divorces-not-non-marital-breakups

The Way We Were

When you speak about your relationship to yourself or to others, and when you are thinking about the history of your relationship together, are you cherishing or trashing your partner? In other words, do you focus on the good times over the bad? Do you accentuate the successes over the failures? Do you focus on your partner’s positive traits over their negative or annoying traits?

Kim T. Buehlman, John M. Gottman, and Lynn Fainsilber Katz of the University of Washington conducted research and oral interviews with married couples to predict the dissolution or divorce of a marriage: “How a Couple Views Their Past Predicts Their Future: Predicting Divorce from an Oral History Interview.” Source: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232601072_How_a_Couple_Views_Their_Past_Predicts_Their_Future_Predicting_Divorce_from_an_Oral_History_Interview

Known as the Buehlman Scoring, they presented a five-dimension assessment to predict the death of a relationship; it can also be used to tell you if it is time to end the relationship.

YouTube Video

Alarm – Danger Ahead

I believe that this alone is the  strongest indicator that your relationship is extremely unhealthy: The way your body responds.

As you verbally or mentally describe your partner and relationship, do you notice your heart rate is up, your chest is tight, your breath is shallow, you are tense, nervous, agitated or you feel highly stressed?

If yes, your body is responding to the unhappiness within the relationship. This is called Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) which is your body’s general alarm mechanism. It is also known as ‘flooding’ because you feel overwhelmed or flooded with wide-ranging stimuli that is also harmful to your health. This alone reveals that it is time to end your relationship

This physiological reactivity (akin to fight-or-flight response) will, in turn, also further negatively impact your behavior and the way you interact with your partner. DPA prevents you from thinking clearly. It creates disorganized behavior and hypervigilance whereby you see things as even worse than they perhaps are. In turn, you react to arguments and other occurrences as ‘threats’ thereby worsening the initial flooding or physiological reactivity.

Here are the five signs that reveal whether or not your relationship will survive; they are also effective indicators that it is time to end your relationship. They were designed as open-ended questions to describe and reveal the way you tell the story of your relationship. Below I have created these questions as a way to help you to identify the health of your relationship.

1. Fondness and Admiration

As you speak about your partner, do you express “warmth, affection, and respect for each other” or do you highlight the negative? Do you give compliments and express pride in your partner? Do you adore your wife/girlfriend? (Did you know that women want to be adored over being loved?)

2. Me-ness vs. We-ness

Do you speak more about ‘we’ or ‘me’? Do you function well as a unit, as a couple? Do you communicate with your spouse about your problems, or do your viewpoints clash so strongly that you cannot communicate? Do you feel lonely or isolated, lacking in support from your partner or from others?

3. Knowing your partner

How well do you know your partner? Do you understand your partner sufficiently to relate what makes them tick, what is important to them, their values, and what affects them positively and negatively, or have you lost the connection? Are you emotionally intimate? Do you trust and are you vulnerable with each other?

4. Glorifying Your Struggles

Do you speak of the struggles you overcame in a positive manner? Do you refer to the way that you grew and learned from them, became more strongly committed with deeper mutual trust, and shared meaning and purpose? Do you describe the way you were/are as chaotic but yet, still feel hopeful and close? Do you struggle to solve problems together? Do you feel out of control?

5. Disappointment vs. Satisfaction

Are you satisfied with the way your relationship is evolving or are you disappointed that it is not what you expected? Do you express negativity about the relationship? Do you feel cynical about your future? Are you belligerent (often a male response) or contemptuous and angry towards your partner (often a female response)? Are you defensive, stubborn, or withdraw (often a male response)? When describing your relationship, do you feel depressed, hopeless, or defeated?

Review your answers, and notice where you are in these 5 areas. When there is contempt, anger, belligerence, a negative view of your partner and the relationship (past and present), an inability to communicate and solve problems and differences, then you are most likely at the point of no return. It is time to end your relationship.

If you would like help professional help to deal with changes within your relationship or to heal the past and resolve your issues, book a one-on-one session with me.

 

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post The 5 Signs That Reveal It is Time To End Your Relationship appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

]]> Dealing With The Divorce Of Your Friends – Do You Take Sides? https://www.patrickwanis.com/dealing-with-the-divorce-of-your-friends-do-you-take-sides/ Mon, 29 Mar 2021 15:52:00 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=36432 Your friends are divorcing - to whom do you be loyal? "Blind loyalty is wrong", says Dr. Wanis. He argues you should be loyal to what is right.

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What do you do when your friends are going to divorce? Beware of blind loyalty!

Dealing With The Divorce Of Your Friends – Do You Take Sides?

Your friends are divorcing. Do you pick sides? What happens to your friendship with each of the spouses? Should you be loyal to the spouse who is your friend? What if your children are friends with their children?

Anna and Raven of The Anna and Raven show turn to human behavior expert, Dr. Patrick Wanis for insights on how to handle the predicament of friends divorcing. In this enlightening interview, Dr. Wanis also raises a controversial point regarding how to determine where your loyalty lies when your close friends are divorcing. “I do not believe in blind loyalty”, says, Dr. Wanis.

Dr. Wanis also shares a powerful insight about what you can say to the children of the divorcing couple. Listen below to the interview and scroll further below to read the transcript.

Anna and Raven interview Dr. Patrick Wanis for his insights into dealing with the divorce of your friends. Here is the transcript.

Anna:Well, you get the news that your best friends are getting divorced, and now you’re in an awkward situation where, ‘Well, do I have to choose one of you? Am I expected to do that now?

Raven: What yet so difficult right, and sometimes they can make it easier on you, but let’s face it a lot of times they make it harder.

Anna: Dr. Patrick Wanis is a human behavior expert you can visit him online patrickwanis.com. Dr. Wanis, when you are put in that situation, what should you do?

Dr. Wanis: The most important thing to do is to analyze the context. In other words, is it to their advantage to divorce?  Is it to the advantage of the children? For if the parents are really arguing a lot and creating a lot of tension, and if there’s any sort of verbal or emotional abuse in the household, then it’s better for them to divorce. So, you’ve got to look at the whole thing and say, “What’s in the best interests of everyone, the couple as well as the children?” That is step number one.

Anna: So, you have to choose based on who you think the bad guy is?

Raven: Well, maybe if it is a good idea that they’re getting divorced, you should give them both a pat on the back?

Dr. Wanis: Now, I’m not saying here that you decide who’s right or wrong. I’m saying if you believe that it’s in their best interests, then you’ll support them to actually go through with the divorce. If you truly believe that they can resolve this, and that it is in their best interests to resolve it, then you give them that sort of support. But you don’t take sides.

Anna: So, what do you do when it’s all said and done, like there is nothing else you can do as a supportive friend to get involved? You are kind of at that crossroads where they have separate lives: Is it ok to still be friends with both of them?

Dr. Wanis: You have to discuss it with both of them. You’ve got to be able to approach each of them and say, “I’m still going to be friends with John and with Mary”, and then get their feedback. Let them know that your intention isn’t to hurt them, but you still have a relationship. We have got to be careful of this concept of blind loyalty.

You’ve got to be loyal to what’s right and what’s wrong, not just loyal to the person. ‘Because well, we’ve been friends forever, and even though John cheated on his wife, and he took all her money from the account, I’m still going to be loyal to him.’ That’s not correct.

Raven: Right and that feels more obvious than others.

Dr. Wanis: Sometimes it is black and white, but usually it’s not.

Anna: That’s true because, I’m in a situation like that right now, where a friend of mine is divorcing, said, “Like I hate to do this, but you kind of have to choose if you are with me or with him.” And obviously, I’m with her because he is a cheater, but if he wasn’t, – and it was just like the relationship deteriorated out of nowhere, then I think it would be tougher to make that call.

Dr. Wanis: Yes. I think when you sit down and speak with the other person, whether it is the  husband or the wife, you will explain to them that whatever your relationship is with them, it’s not that you are picking sides, it’s not that you think they are right. It’s not you choosing one over the other, but you still have a relationship with them. What happens if you’re working with them? What happens if you have a business with them? You can’t always just cut them off.

Raven: And what I find doctor is that with children I mean that becomes so much more exponentially difficult right, I mean because now your kids’ lives are intertwined also.

Dr. Wanis: Yes. And I think the message that you could relate to each person is to say that, “Regardless of your divorce and regardless of the pain and the hurt that you’ve  experienced and the other person’s experienced, my love my admiration, my connection, my friendship with you will not change.” And it’s the same thing you have to say to your children. If you are divorcing, you’ve got to say to your children “Regardless of what happens between mommy and daddy, I still love you. My love, for you won’t change, nothing will change.”

Another important point to make here when dealing with the divorce of your friends is that children always tend to blame themselves whenever their parents divorce. If your children are interacting with their children and you have the opportunity, and it’s appropriate in the context, you could say to them, “Whatever happened between your mommy and daddy is not your fault. The problems that your mommy and daddy are having are not about you. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your job to try and rescue them.” And that makes a big difference, because children will lose their innocence and lose their childhood when they’re given these heavy responsibilities.

Anna: Dr. Patrick Wanis. Thank you!

Also read how to affair-proof your marriage:

https://www.patrickwanis.com/affair-proofing-your-marriage/

The post Dealing With The Divorce Of Your Friends – Do You Take Sides? appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

]]> Did You Get Together For The Wrong Reasons? Beware of The Top 6 Wrong Reasons To Marry https://www.patrickwanis.com/did-you-get-together-for-the-wrong-reasons-beware-of-the-top-6-wrong-reasons-to-marry/ Wed, 10 Feb 2021 19:34:25 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=35862 You are not actually thinking about love, compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams or emotional intimacy. You are only thinking about the commitment – to build a life together but the commitment is not authentic because you are doing it to please other people, to get approval or to avoid criticism and rebuke.

The post Did You Get Together For The Wrong Reasons? Beware of The Top 6 Wrong Reasons To Marry appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal the 6 wrong reasons to marry or enter into a relationship.

Did You Get Together For The Wrong Reasons? The 6 Wrong Reasons To Marry

First a quick update:  

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

How To Overcome Anxiety

Every one of us is facing great challenges during this crisis. Anxiety is one of them! Here are simple but effective strategies to overcome anxiety now. Watch my video to learn how to neutralize anxiety by dealing with the thoughts and your physiology

Now, let’s talk about the 6 wrong reasons to marry or enter into a relationship.

Did you get together with your partner or ex for the wrong reasons?

Did you know that the top cause of breakups is arguments?

Arguments that are the result of partnering for the wrong reasons – the wrong motivations – the wrong values.

Here are the top 6 wrong reasons people get married – along with their antidote.

1. Pressure – friends, family, peers, society or religion demand that you be married or in a relationship

You are not actually thinking about love, compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams or emotional intimacy. You are only thinking about the commitment – to build a life together but the commitment is not authentic because you are doing it to please other people, to get approval or to avoid criticism and rebuke.

Antidote: Whose life is it? Yours or theirs? Remind yourself that you are pleasing them now, but they will be even less agreeable and approving when you breakup or divorce. And you will struggle before they give their blessing to end the marriage i.e. you will suffer for years in order to please them!

2. Loneliness – feeling alone, isolated, disconnected or left out

Again, you are not actually thinking about love, compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams or emotional intimacy. You simply don’t want to be alone anymore, and you want the loneliness to end. You are seeking a friend and companion but settling for an incompatible roommate or coparent whom you will be tied to for the rest of your life, and who cannot ever truly fill the inner emptiness.

Antidote: Resolve the inner issues that create the feelings of loneliness. Place more energy and focus on love and finding the suitable partner. Don’t make your partner or spouse responsible for your happiness.

Compatibility refers to temperament, character, love languages, timing, stages of life, skills in conflict resolution, and values.

YouTube Video

3. Insecurity/Personal Unhappiness – unresolved issues

You don’t feel good about yourself; you don’t feel worthy or good enough. You hope and expect that once you are in a relationship or married, that all of the unhappiness and self-loathing (emotional pain or subconscious reasons you think you are not lovable or good enough) will dissolve or disappear. Instead, you become even more miserable because your partner cannot heal you and actually triggers your issues and pain. Now you have more problems than before because you also have to deal with the misery from the unsatisfying relationship.

Antidote: Heal your unresolved issues. It is much easier to do it now on your own than when you have additional responsibilities and dependents. If you are in the relationship, still make your priority your healing and emotional freedom.

4. Financial security – an easy life, someone to take care of you

Perhaps you don’t want to work or have a career and are simply looking for someone to take care of you financially or, you want someone who will give you financial security by paying for everything or at least for enough so you don’t have to worry about being autonomous and independent. Olga married a man for financial security only. She got a mansion and luxurious cars and things. Four years later they live on opposite sides of the mansion arguing, and truly miserable as they try to raise two children.

Antidote: Focus on creating financial security or at least ensure that the financial security is another reason that you choose to be together (along with love, passion, emotional intimacy, shared values and objectives, mutual admiration and care, etc.)

5. Lack of fulfillment/Image

You feel that you and your life will be incomplete without a partner, and without a partner right now! Worse, you believe that you have to prove something and therefore your partner needs to fit criteria that will enhance your image such as social status, looks, age, power, influence or the list of the ‘perfect match.’ Perhaps you feel that you are a failure without a partner or you need someone to fulfill your needs to have a family and so you chose your partner based on one criteria alone – the wrong one.

Antidote: Love and compatibility do not relate nor are the direct result of ‘image’ or social status. Choose someone whom you truly want to be with; someone who shares your values and dreams, engages in emotional intimacy, is mutually supportive and will commit to building a life together and maintaining and growing the love for each other.

6. Infatuation/Youthful love

Infatuation is the chemical attraction with a twist – you think about the passion and excitement and how you feel around him/her but you don’t actually care about the person; you care more about owning, controlling or possessing them because you feel good and turned on with them. Perhaps you are ‘hopelessly in love’ and you think love is all you need. You have fooled yourself into thinking, ‘We love each other, so when we get married that will solve and end all of our current arguments; let’s just get married and everything will be alright.’

Antidote: Love isn’t enough for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Again, you need more than the passion, you need compatibility, shared values, shared goals and dreams, emotional intimacy, mutual admiration and care. Do you truly want your partner to become the best version of him or herself?

As you review once more the list of the wrong reasons to marry or have a relationship, you will notice that the first key is healing your unresolved issues and the second key is knowledge about what is needed for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. If you would like help to heal the past, book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.

Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post Did You Get Together For The Wrong Reasons? Beware of The Top 6 Wrong Reasons To Marry appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

]]> 7 Things You Do That Give More Control To Your Ex https://www.patrickwanis.com/7-things-you-do-that-give-more-control-to-your-ex/ Wed, 16 Dec 2020 20:17:50 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=35475 Here are the 7 most common self-sabotaging behaviors following a breakup and which I have identified through both work with clients and the responses of over 4,000 people who have taken my free Breakup Test.

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control, breakups, obsessed, spying on ex, google ex, spying social media, crying, fantasizing getting back, emotional pain ex
7 Things You Do That Give Control To Your Ex Over You

In this week’s Success Newsletter, I would like to reveal,

7 key self-sabotaging behaviors that tighten the emotional grip your ex has over you.

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

Time Doesn’t Heal All – Get Over Your Ex Now!

Time doesn’t heal all. If it did, the older you get, the happier you would be. What you do in the space of time makes the difference and determines your result. Watch the video

Now, let’s talk about 7 key self-sabotaging behaviors that tighten the emotional grip your ex has over you.

Your relationship or marriage is over, but it is not over in your head.

Your ex still has a powerful grip over you, and it is manifested in your behaviors. Behaviors which make it worse for you, create more pain and only serve to give your ex more power and control over you.

Here are the 7 most common self-sabotaging behaviors following a breakup and which I have identified through both work with clients and the responses of over 4,000 people who have taken my free Breakup Test.

7. “Searching for ways for us to get back together”

Choosing to try to repair the relationship and get back together is understandable if the other person is open and willing. However, it is imperative that you be willing to face the reality – the need to accept that the relationship is over. Expending energy to try to get back together with your ex keeps you stuck in the past, wastes precious time, and prevents you from building a new life. Take heed if your ex has moved on while you are still trying to win him/her back.

6. “Spending hours looking at photos and videos of my ex and I”

Reminiscing or crying over what you had does not help you to break free from your ex. The more you place your happiness on what you had – on the past – the worse you will feel and, you will conclude that no one else and nothing else can ever lead you to happiness. The more time and energy you spend looking at photos and videos of you and your ex, the more you will become anchored to him/her. You are not in a desert whereby your ex is the only source of water.

5. “Rereading texts and emails between my ex and I”

This behavior is similar to number 6, except that it will lead to obsessive thoughts and rumination. Are you trying to understand why the relationship did not work out or are you trying to convince yourself you can get back together? The motivation and intention behind your behavior is key but remember the action of repeatedly rereading texts and emails won’t help you to be free or to love and be loved again.

YouTube Video

4. “Repeating in my head over and over again the good things my ex said”

This behavior can be driven by shock and confusion or the need to soothe and comfort yourself by wading in the warmth of the past – ‘he said he loved me and I was the one, and…’ Although it might work for a while, it will quickly become a fantasy whereby you are holding onto something that no longer exists. People can say something they truly mean and believe in the moment, only to later change their mind, thoughts and emotions. Have you ever said, “I love you” to someone, only to later no longer love that person or want to be with them?

3. “Fantasizing that we will get back together again”

This is the most commonly reported behavior by men following a breakup.

Dreaming is fine when you want to get clear about a goal or outcome you want. However, watching videos of you and your ex, repeating in your head good things your ex said to you and, fantasizing that you will get back together again, keeps you paralyzed in denial, and eventually turns to anger, frustration, sadness and hopelessness because you are not actually getting back together.

2. “Spying on my ex’s Facebook page or other social media accounts”

How does it help you to spy on your ex? What is your motivation? Are you hoping that he/she will be unhappy without you or are you seeking to control your ex? Beware of spying on your ex only to learn he/she has moved on or is happy without you which leaves you feeling like a victim – helpless, hopeless and lost. This behavior erodes your confidence, optimism, belief in yourself and your capabilities, and your resiliency.

1. “Repeating in my head over and over again the bad things my ex said”

This is the most commonly reported behavior by women following a breakup.

Why is this so damaging? Although it is necessary to be clear about the behavior or specific actions that led to your breakup, the more you repeat in your head the bad things that your ex said, the worse you feel and, the more you reinforce those thoughts as part of your identity. In other words, focusing on the bad things that other people say to you, results in you believing those words or obsessing over them. The bad and hurtful words lead to bad and hurtful emotions which disrupt sleep and healthy functioning.

Be vigilant and beware of the 7 self-sabotaging behaviors listed above; ask yourself, “What do I hope to achieve by this action? Does it help me, or does it make things worse for me?” Become self-aware: how are these actions affecting your physical body and your emotional state?

Ask friends to support you to help you to engage self-control to stop these self-sabotaging actions which hand over psychological control to your ex.

If you would like help to get over a breakup or divorce and to let go any of the painful emotions or behaviors following the breakup, or to improve your relationships, book a one-on-one session with me.

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post 7 Things You Do That Give More Control To Your Ex appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

]]> How To Overcome Sadness/Depression Following A Breakup – 6 Keys https://www.patrickwanis.com/how-to-overcome-sadness-depression-following-a-breakup-6-keys/ https://www.patrickwanis.com/how-to-overcome-sadness-depression-following-a-breakup-6-keys/#comments Wed, 18 Nov 2020 21:17:46 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=35201 You will also experience sadness when there is a change in your life, particularly a dramatic change or end – again, even if you wanted or made that change yourself. You will also feel sad because your identity has been shattered due to the breakup, as well as the shattering or sudden end of routines, habits, and family and friend connections.

The post How To Overcome Sadness/Depression Following A Breakup – 6 Keys appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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get over sadness, depression, anger, confusion, frustration after breakup or divorce, how to get over my ex, grieving a breakup; stages of breakup grief
How To Overcome Sadness & Depression Following A Breakup or Divorce

In this week’s Success Newsletter,

6 steps to overcoming sadness and depression following a breakup or divorce.

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? How would you like to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

Time Doesn’t Heal All – Get Over Your Ex Now!

Time doesn’t heal all. If it did, the older you get, the happier you would be. What you do in the space of time makes the difference and determines your result. Watch the video 

Now, let’s talk about 6 steps to overcoming sadness and depression following a breakup or divorce.

Even if you decided to break up the relationship and you thought you would feel relieved and perhaps you do, you will still experience sadness and depression amongst other strong emotions such as loneliness, confusion, frustration, and anger.

Sadness is triggered by the sense of loss – having lost something you had or something you thought you were going to have; in the case of a divorce or breakup – a future, financial security, family, home, marriage, or a life together.

You will also experience sadness when there is a change in your life, particularly a dramatic change or end – again, even if you wanted or made that change yourself.

You will also feel sad because your identity has been shattered due to the breakup, as well as the shattering or sudden end of routines, habits, and family and friend connections.

Before I share 6 keys to help you to overcome sadness and depression following a breakup or divorce, let me briefly explain depression.

Depression takes many forms – it can be a sense of hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness as well as feelings of loneliness or disconnection; it can be withheld anger that leads to feelings of apathy and hopelessness. Most times you will experience depression due to rumination: You are repeating (obsessing and ruminating) over thoughts about your situation without taking action. The choice to only repeat the thoughts or pain in your head or to repeat them to others without making decisions that resolve the situation causes and worsens depression.

Here are 6 keys to help you to overcome a divorce or breakup when you are experiencing sadness or depression. For more detailed help to get over the breakup, betrayal or divorce, use my audio program/audio book: Get Over Your Ex Now!

1. Take Inventory

Spend the time to answer these questions openly and honestly. Be fully honest with yourself: What actually went wrong in the relationship? What caused the breakup? Which values of yours clashed with your partner? What did you constantly argue about?

2. Accept Responsibility & Be Accountable 

How did you contribute to the relationship breakup? What did you learn about yourself due to the breakup?

Beware of attacking yourself, which serves no purpose other than making you feel worse, and beware of simply engaging purely in blame towards your partner. Instead, choose to be honest about what you did wrong or what you failed to do. Choose to learn from that insight. (See Key 4.)

YouTube Video

3. Identify Practical Responsibilities & Take Action

Depending on the type of relationship, there will be things that need to be taken care of, such as financial responsibilities (if you shared a home or possessions or commitments), and/or the care of others, or if you have children or dependents. Take action! The more you choose to avoid, deny or delay critical decisions, the worse you will feel and the more depressed you will feel. Make a decision and follow-thru with it. Also take action to get rid of personal effects that remind you of the relationship; change the décor and environment. Avoid playing music that makes you feel sadder i.e. “our song.” Stop frequenting the same places hoping to see him/her or to punish yourself by attempting to reminisce. See Key 4 if there hasn’t been resolution.

4. Resolve Your Issues

This question is posed in Key 2: What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn from the relationship and breakup about your issues – insecurities, hangups, fears, unresolved trauma or past events?

Get professional help to resolve your issues. If you don’t, then you will bring with you the same issues (yourself) to your next relationship. Second and third and fourth marriages have higher divorce and failure rates than first marriages. Why? The core issues that caused the breakup of the first marriage were never resolved, and were taken into the second, third and fourth marriage. This same principle applies to all relationships.

Also, seek professional help and guidance if you have not achieved resolution with your ex following your breakup, particularly if there is confusion, or your ex won’t talk or explain, or their explanation is incomplete.

5. Release Emotions

Make sure you read my insights above into sadness and depression.

Here is an excerpt from my new audiobook “Neutralize the Seven Emotions That Are Holding You Hostage Right Now!” outlining action steps to neutralize sadness:

It is a natural response that you might be experiencing sorrow, sadness or grief at this time because of the various losses, and it’s okay if you’re crying. And when you are crying, seek to understand what are the thoughts and what are the feelings that are accompanying the tears?

Action Step 1: Write out a list of everything that you feel and believe you’ve lost
It can include both tangible and intangible things; maybe a possession, maybe a relationship, maybe an apartment, maybe a job, maybe even hope for something different.

Action Step 2: Review the list you just wrote and note down what you’re truly struggling to let go of

Action Step 3: Find a caring friend and share with that person what you wrote in your first list and what you wrote in your second list

Again, speak from the heart and just ask your friend to listen, to listen with compassion, but not necessarily to give you any advice, just to give you the opportunity to be heard and to feel that you’ve been understood.

Action Steps 4, 5 and 6 are in my audiobook on neutralizing emotions that are holding you hostage. I also have a chapter dedicated to overcoming depression with action steps.

If you are seeking a technique to help you in the moment when you feel intense sadness, read my article on how to control your emotions .

6. Identify and Neutralize Your Crippling Beliefs

What conclusions and interpretations have you made following your divorce or breakup? What do you believe about yourself, the world, your life and relationships? Do you believe everything is hopeless? Remember, while the pain is real, you can control your thoughts and emotions. By changing your thoughts, you will ease the pain.

Also, remind yourself that you are not the failure. The marriage or relationship may have ended, may have failed; you may have failed, but you are not the failure. Failure does not define who you are. You can choose to learn and grow from the experience and breakup – no matter how painful – and to find love again!

For more detailed help to get over the breakup, betrayal or divorce, use my audio program/audio book: Get Over Your Ex Now!

If you would like help to get over a breakup or divorce and to let go any of the painful emotions following the breakup, or to improve your relationships, book a one-on-one session with me. 

You can add to the conversation below.

I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

The post How To Overcome Sadness/Depression Following A Breakup – 6 Keys appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

]]> https://www.patrickwanis.com/how-to-overcome-sadness-depression-following-a-breakup-6-keys/feed/ 1 How To Prevent The Top 2 Causes Of Breakups https://www.patrickwanis.com/how-to-prevent-the-top-2-causes-of-breakups/ https://www.patrickwanis.com/how-to-prevent-the-top-2-causes-of-breakups/#comments Wed, 05 Aug 2020 01:31:14 +0000 https://www.patrickwanis.com/?p=34797 Most couples ignore such clashes in values until they become deal breakers, not realizing they were always unspoken deal breakers.
Thus, it makes sense that “bad timing” is also one of the top 5 causes of breakups cited by both men and women.

The post How To Prevent The Top 2 Causes Of Breakups appeared first on Patrick Wanis.

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How To Prevent The Top 2 Causes Of Breakups

In this week’s Success Newsletter,

5 keys to protect you from falling victim to the top 2 causes of breakups.

First a quick update:

The Breakup Test

Are you heartbroken, angry, lost, lonely, confused, depressed, or pining over your ex? Do you know how your ex is truly affecting you and do you want to benefit from personalized advice, action steps and revelations? Take my free breakup test and get your own personalized report.

Do You Seek Other Peoples Approval?
Who decides how you feel about yourself? Is it you or someone else? If you seek external validation, then you lose your power.  Watch the video

Now lets talk about the 5 keys to protect you from falling victim to the top 2 causes of breakups.

What do you think are the top 2 causes of relationship breakups?

Betrayal?
Infidelity?
Deceit?
Money?
Sex?
Personality?

None of the above!

More than 3,800 people have taken my free, ongoing online Breakup Test. The first question, “What caused your breakup?” offers 47 options and the opportunity to select multiple causes for the breakup.

Men and women cite the same issues as the top 2 causes of breakups:

1. “We argued constantly”
2. “We wanted different things in life”

Here are 5 ways to prevent these 2 causes of breakups.

1. Shared Values

‘Shared values’ is the foundation for a strong, long lasting and fulfilling relationship – romantic or business.

A clash in values will lead to arguments, and arguments will escalate when there is a desire for hierarchical status or power and/or a lack of skill in conflict resolution (see below.)
Wanting “different things in life” means there is also a clash in values.

In my Breakup Test, in the top 5 causes of breakups, women also cite “I wanted more time than my ex could offer.”

Again, this is a clash in values: the man has a different priority or different responsibilities. Perhaps she said to you that she wants material things and financial security, but she really wants and needs more time and attention than you thought. She also wants to be adored.

2. Wanting the same things at the same time

What stage of life are you in? What are your responsibilities?

Another key component of shared values is wanting the same things, and, at the same time.

When you and your partner are in different stages in life, you will want different things, and you will clash. For example, a man and woman may both want children, but perhaps because of her age, the woman might want children now while he would prefer to wait, or, another example: Sam is 15 years older than his girlfriend, age 22; she doesn’t want children for another 6 years. Sam wants children now, not when he is 43.

Most couples ignore such clashes in values until they become deal breakers, not realizing they were always unspoken deal breakers.

Thus, it makes sense that “bad timing” is also one of the top 5 causes of breakups cited by both men and women.

The solution: Establish your core values, priorities, responsibilities, and stage of life, and then determine if they align or complement those of your potential partner before you commit. Wanting different things in life is thus another major cause of breakups.

YouTube Video

3. Disarming arguments

When you are arguing, do you attempt to be proven right or perhaps to make the other person understand your position? Either approach often causes the argument to escalate because you are criticizing, condemning, invalidating or trying to dominate your partner and establish hierarchical status. You are being assertive but not cooperative.

Solution to disarm arguments: Make a conscious choice to lower your defensiveness and express sincere concern for the other person. Seek to understand the other person first and beware of trying to be right, win the argument, be validated or establish power over him/her. Notice when you are reacting and cutting off the other person; let them speak and listen deeply, intently, and completely. Allow them to complete their thought and concern. Also, notice if your partner’s choices or actions have triggered something for you that is in fact, a childhood issue or unresolved pain or trauma of yours. Read more “One strategy to disarm arguments”

4. Open your heart

I rarely work with couples because most couples focus on wanting to change their partner and are unwilling to see what their own individual and personal challenges are. Thus, I primarily work with individuals who have had the awakening that they need help to release emotions and change subconscious beliefs and behaviors. 

When I do work with couples, I also engage them in ‘heart openers’ – exercises that help both of them to open and become vulnerable, to express emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is the conscious choice to reveal more of your self – your dreams, fears, desires, pain, weaknesses, strengths, emotional needs, and unresolved issues. Emotional intimacy involves being willing to openly express your love for your partner.

5. The 17 transformational words

Arguments can be dissolved, emotional intimacy can be enhanced, bonds can deepen, and wounds can be healed when you choose to use these seventeen words – from the heart:

I am sorry
I was wrong
Please forgive me
I love you
I forgive you

I teach this same principle in workshops for corporations: even in a work setting (with the exception of “I love you”) these above words build trust and authenticity, and demonstrate care, accountability & responsibility.

If you would like to learn more about relationships and how to get over a breakup, listen to my audio book, “Get Over Your Ex Now!”
If you need personal help to overcome a breakup, fear, anxiety, trauma or the past, book a one-on-one session with me.

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I wish you the best and remind you “Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!”

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & SRTT Therapist

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